I haven’t written in detail about my issues with food and weight in 10 months. Ten months is a long time. I would have bet 4 months had gone by since that post, maybe six, but not ten. I haven’t written because I don’t have anything good to report, no success story. I suppose that’s inaccurate.
In August I started seeing a nutritionist who specializes in eating disorders. It sucks. It’s expensive. I hate it. I’m glad I’m going. I’ve gained weight since I started seeing her, and she claims everything will be fine. I’m pretty freaking stressed about it until I see her and she talks me down from the ledge. I leave feeling confident until a day or two later when I’m back to thinking about dieting, my weight, how I wish I was thinner/younger/prettier. Every now and then I realize I look fine, that in ten years I’ll look back and think I looked great. Every now and then I’ll read an inspiring piece on body image or see someone my size who is beautiful and confident and I’ll think I can do this. I can be a great role model for my sons and nieces. But that’s only every now and then. Most of the time I avoid cameras and mirrors.
Over a year ago I wrote out my Life List and included a desire to eat vegan for four months and sugar-free/flour-free for one year. For a while I even toyed with the idea of doing both at the same time. I’ve proven how incredibly awesome I am at deciding on a goal and then attacking it with the ferocity of a dog with a bone. (Dry humor.) I knew I could do it once I committed. The problem was, I couldn’t commit.
After that post and before August I consumed so much diet coke (appetite suppressant of choice) and iced coffee that it is a miracle my kidneys didn’t disintegrate like nails left in battery acid. I spent little time eating anything substantial; I mainly grazed. I spent even less time sleeping; I mainly read. I didn’t lose a pound.
At my first appointment I told my nutritionist that I needed help, and she agreed. I have a list of things I’m supposed to do. Eat, for starters. Eat meals–at least 3 every day plus snacks. Eat sitting down without distractions. I’ve been able to manage the formers but not the latter. I hate sitting down to eat. I like to eat standing up in the kitchen reading a book. “Of course you do,” she said. “You know exactly what to do to best remove yourself from the experience of eating food.” She’s right. I hate eating. I also hate when she’s right.
But even eating and eating regularly and being present while eating regularly is easier than her biggest demand. No more dieting. No more dieting, no more reading about dieting, no more researching various diets, no more thinking, trying, or jumping from diet to diet. No more dieting. Fine, except I have been on a diet since I was 9 years old. She should have asked me to hit Daryl Dixon with a cupid’s arrow. Somehow that seems easier…and infinitely more pleasant.
I told her I didn’t like her idea because I would gain weight. She agreed that I probably would. (WHAT?!) She then went on to say that over time, once I figured out that I wasn’t stocking up before the next diet hit, I would drift back down to my normal weight. When I pointed out the obvious, that my normal weight is nowhere near where I want to be, she told me we’d work on that when I was ready. I said I thought I was pretty damn ready. She said, “Oh, you’re far from ready. If you lose weight before you’re ready, you’ll just gain it back.”
Again with the rightness. If I didn’t like her so much, I would really dislike her.
This is why my 365: Body, Mind, Spirit seems so easy from the outside. There is no need to marvel at my fortitude or say what I’m doing is inspiring. The truth is I’m in hell! Walking every day is nothing compared to this…this joyful misery. I am happy to finally eat things like ice cream (all the time) and fried zucchini (twice) and at the same miserable that I am eating things like ice cream and fried zucchini. At my last appointment she asked me how things were going. I wailed about the fried zucchini. I didn’t want to tell her about it, but I hate lying so I confessed. I was ashamed and told her I didn’t think I was cut out for this non-dieting business.
She made three observations. One, not a day goes by now where I don’t eat breakfast. It is always healthy. In fact, I eat three meals a day, plus snacks. Two, normal eaters will indulge in two orders of friend zucchini over the course of 7 months. They might even have one order per month, though I remain skeptical. Three, in her almost 30 years of practice, I am one of the most self-critical perfectionists she has ever treated.
Five minutes later she couldn’t decide which was worse: that I didn’t see myself as that bad a perfectionist, or that I was perversely happy to be the best at perfectionism. It’s true, I have been blind to the improvements I’ve made. I’m really trying to be better about that, hence the “Mind” component of my 365 project. It’s hard. So, so hard.
“Focus on your progress,” she says. “Progress, not perfection!”
If I hear or type that phrase one more time I’m going to…I don’t know. Scream. Pull my hair out. Maybe focus on my progress. I deleted my diet related goals from my life list, and that’s progress.
One last thing:
Image sources: You know how the internet is. I’m searching for proper attribution and I will update as I find it. In the meantime, know that the images are Marilyn Monroe, Naomi Shimada, Tess Munster, Denise Bidot, Jada Sezer, Laura Wells, and Victoria Manas.
your nutritionist sounds fantastic. Thank you for sharing so honestly. There is more that I want to say, but I can’t find the right words. Just know that if you ever come to London I have a really big hug for you (in a non-stalkerish fashion, I promise)
Check out this post http://babybythesea.net/?p=897#more-897, your honest words reminded me of Jenn’s post. Striving to be better role models for our kids can be really hard – it sounds like you have done a great job for your kids. And good on you for tackling your own issues head on – your nutritionist does sound really great.
Thanks, Lisa. Jenn’s post was great. I need to do a little better about complimenting myself in front of the boys, and accepting compliments for that matter!
I can’t even imagine the amount of courage that it took for you to write this post. Thank you for being so open and honest with us. Love that last quote, by the way.
I can’t remember ever reading something that resonated so much with me. I get you. In fact, I think I might be you. Thanks for making yourself so vulnerable.
Thank you so much for writing this. I will read it again and again. I need to hear all this and not be so hung up about diet, weight and image and concentrate in enjoying being real and being me. Thank you for being so vulnerable. It has really helped me.
Jules, I suspect you’re helping an awful lot of women with this post. Most of us fight ourselves about something or other. Thank you for sharing yourself so openly.
What an incredible post- your vulnerability, your insight, your bravery, your truth. I’m sure you write for far more women than you realize. Myself included. Thank you. A million thank you’s. I know I’ll come to this again and again.
Gosh the perfectionist bit really appealed to me. Last year I had to have some pretty extreme and big surgery. Luckily I had a rockstar anesthetist who saw that I was under 30 and had my PhD. She looked at me and said, “You really aren’t used to being in the middle of bell curves, are you?” (she herself was 34 with 3 kids and the university medal in medicine – ha!) and proceeded to tell me that I had to become a “high achiever patient”. This meant asking for help, resting up a lot, and taking my painkillers on time to avoid getting tired from pain. She kept reiterating: “Do this once and do it well”. I tell this story not to boast, but to remark at how her words have sort of become life lessons for me. The way she couched her advice suddenly made me want to be a reaalllly realllly good patient. I was going to be the best patient she had ever seen! I was going to rest and sleep and ask for help like a boss! (Three things I really have trouble with ordinarily). So I hope this gives you a little spark, too, Jules. Sounds like you’ve met your match with a rockstar nutritionist – do it once and do it well :) xx
Gasp! What a way to look at it! I need to be a “high achiever” non-dieter! My mind is spinning.
Really appreciate this post, Jules. As Shelley says, we all have something. Some aren’t as visible as others. You are showing up and doing the work, and it will get you where you want to go. It really will. I know this from my own hard experience.
And I love you for the thought on real women. From the bottom of my A-size cup.
Funny, considering I would love to be an A-cup. Women are weird. :)
Actually, I like being an A-cup. But I get tired of the “real woman” thing, and I really appreciated you saying something about that. And yes, women are weird. :-)
I think it’s amazingly brave of you to share this post. Change is hard, especially changing our habits. I’m struggling with my own quest to change again and am reminded just how hard it is. Thanks for sharing your struggles, we’re all rooting for you!
I like your nutritionist. She sounds like a female Dr.Phil. Right to the point with no sugar coating. It sounds like she is exactly what you need. I am a nurse, and my career has made me more observant of what I eat and how I treat my body. I want to be a good example to my girls, so we talk about eating healthy and exercising. I tell them that God gave us this one body, and we should respect that and take care of it. That does not mean I do not indulge in the occasional Coke or Whataburger. I am human. I love to sit around the table during a meal and talk with my girls and my husband. It is what I did as a child. It was family time, and the focus was on family, and not the food. I wish you all the luck. Sometimes it stinks being a girl in this world of plastic people, then again, it can be pretty awesome! Keep your head up, and take a little piece of advise from this former perfectionist… give your fears and your worries to God, and you will be amazed how easily everything falls into place. I really enjoy reading your blog, especially post like this!!
I’m trying! It’s been hard to give them up. I don’t give anything up.
What an amazing, honest post. Thank you. When I was going through my anorexic/yo-yo dieting/obsessive eating phase I reached a point when I just couldn’t take it any longer. I was so mentally exhausted, so emotionally drained. I stopped caring about how I looked, stopped caring about what I ate. If I was going to turn into a fat cow, so be it. Moo. As a result I lost 30 pounds! I guess my point is, your nutritionist is right. Isn’t that exactly what you wanted to hear? All my love and positive wishes to you. You are beautiful.
I’m at the mentally exhausted/emotionally drained part. We’ll what happens with the 30 pounds. :)
I love and hate this post in equal measure ….love the topic, hate the pain it brings is both when we enter this place of talking about this topic. Since, the beginning of the year I have been consistently jouranling. Not jouranling about any topic particularly, though my therapist would love for me to finally get over my miscarriage already, or so I imagine. I’ve accepted that I will probably never “get over it” but I also don’t want it to define me. Ok , back to eating. When we met the other night, I was so proud of both of us (though I wish I had one more bite of ahi poke, yum). I thought we both chose somewhat healthy items though I LOVE thier cheeseburgers, where we dined. So I actually think we ate incredibly healthy. Just two weeks ago, I told myself I needed to do something different with my eating. First, I am not eating every time the kiddo eats including when we go get ice cream on Fridays….. And I lived to tell about it and it didn’t kill me. I was certain both of those things would happen. I am also not cleaning my plate or eating until I am stuffed and started this thing where I don’t eat the carbs first and sometimes not at all. The diet coke IS my Achilles heel, oh sweet necter of the Gods, how I love thee so. I am treating myself once a week. I know I can’t quit it but damn if I didn’t dream about it at night…. And the headaches- they are the very worst this time. The jouranling has been really helpful and a release for me to write about my emotions instead of eating them. You know where I got the idea to journal… YOU. Never under estimate the power of your words, they are a greater force than you will ever know and can imagine.
I love you, I love the real woman you are.
Thanks, Kara.
This is such a brave post; thank you for inspiring us with your honestly. as a formerly obese physician, food has been such a dilemma for me as well. The need to “be an example” and the years of failure at doing so. Things have gotten so much better for me with time and patience and practice with changing thought patterns and habits. There is so much that has to be dealt with to heal beyond just what goes into our mouths and i think your nutritionist is brilliant. Your 365 plan iss brilliant. I think you’ll find that the soul plan you have–the words you are reading every day–can be the balm the seeps deep down into the cracks of perfectionism and gives you the ability to recieve Christ’s perfect life as your own. Then you will feel freedom.
I want that balm you talk about.
I really needed this today. Thank you for sharing your struggles. A few months ago I was counting my calories, and losing weight. The big down side was my 5 year old son started asking me how many calories were in different foods. That is just not right, so I stopped. And yet, today I have been berating myself over poor choices and thinking I need some grand plan to make me a better human being. Every “poor choice” feels like a giant failure. So, I REALLY needed this post today.
That’s nice to hear, Sarah. Thank you for sharing. <3
This is such a great post. So great. It is a relief (perhaps not to you) to hear that someone else wails about fried zucchini and the inability to accept mere progress as the goal. You are not alone in this, and I am so grateful that you reminded me that I’m not either. Keep on!
Thank you for this post! You are so courageous; and absolutely on the right track. I thought about e-mailing you, but what the heck, I’ll give a try at courage too and react publicly. :-) I recognize a lot of what you wrote and really love: “I hate it. I am glad I’m going.” Same here. I have had an eating disorder since I was 10 and had psychotherapy on and off for 15 years. That didn’t really work, because as long as I “stay in my mind” I’m okay. It’s the whole feeling part that I have problems with. I smiled as I picured you eating standing in the kitchen reading a book. I love that too. After psychotherapy, I am now able to eat my meals at a table. However, still never without a book or magazine.
For over a year now, I am doing a haptonomy-therapy and am learning how to feel/experience my emotions (“What? Emotions aren’t a negative thing, but n๏ฟฝrmal?”). Oh my. It is very hard to do but at the same time wonderful. For the first time ever, I am slowly getting convinced that I am able to overcome the eating disorder.
I am now on my heaviest weight ever, but the therapist is confident I’ll lose weight without effort (= without dieting) when I can feel the sad parts in my history. We’ll see.
I wish you very, very well! And want to give a big hug. :-)
Sounds like your therapist and my nutritionist are cut from the same bolt of cloth. She’s having me go to a therapist to work on my perfectionism. My nutritionist is the one who is like a dog with a bone–not me! ;)
I get the feeling. I, too, am one of those people who is always too organized, too idealistic, too strict about anything related to food. After working out regularly for 6 months, and trying to keep track of every morsel that went into my body, I gained weight – a lot of it. Turns out stress does more to me than I ever imagined, and I wasn’t doing any of the dieting/exercise for the right reasons. It’s a life-long battle for most of us to find our true weight, our true bodies, and our true minds…but it seems like if we don’t conquer the mind first, the rest of it won’t budge.
I commend you for being honest about how hard it is to tackle food and exercise problems, and for reminding us perfectionists out there that there are others out there who freak out over fried zucchini or ice cream. So thank you for being you…and for letting people like me in on that ugly little secret that many of us have, but are too afraid to discuss.
Wow. Your nutritionist sounds great. I wonder if there’s anyone like that in these parts? I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I am dieting right now, and am terrified of trying to maintain whatever I lose. Hopefully, I am ready. I feel like I’m getting ready, but who knows? It’s really such a journey, and it’s about so much more than food. So difficult. But it sounds like you’re on the right track!
I’m 99% sure she does Skype appointments for out of state patients.
Whatever weight you are, you’re gorgeous. You need to own that.
Was it George’s fried zucchini? Love.
I miss you. Let’s talk soon!
No, it was Johnny’s! Even better.
I think all these women are gorgeous. Yet I can’t see myself through the same lens. Weird.
I think we all struggle with this! I just finished reading a devotional about food, diet and how that affects our view of ourselves. One crucial point she made was “if your unhappy at your current weight, you’ll be unhappy at your goal weight, because it isn’t weight that makes us unhappy, it’s a deep rooted issue.” It actually hurts me to read this and know that you are not the only one. It hurts that our culture continues to glorify skinny and not healthy. Just yesterday my 6 yr old Bruce was telling me how she is skinny and I kept telling her that being skinny is not always healthy. So sad that it is already affecting girls so young. I cringe when I think about my daughter having negative views of food. But I’ve gotta start with my thoughts and view food as positive and not negative. Thank you so much for your honesty. It’s beautiful and it’s a part of YOU!!
That was a wonderfully honest post, and I wanted to also say thanks for posting the ‘real women’ poster. Funny how, to recover from an exterme, we just go to another extreme that just ends up making another bunch of people feel inadequate.
Anyway I was just jumping to ask if you’d ever tried any yoga. I know it’s not for everyone, and a lot of the time it’s all down to the teacher, but being a perfectionist myself I found it helped a LOT to learn to focus on what my body *could* do, instead of couldn’t. I started going to classes obsessed with having to work harder and harder to get into a pose, until a teacher encouraged us to shift that perspective and instead take the time to notice the small changes from one week to the next and, well, cut ourselves some slack. It wasn’t easy, but being able to be kinder to myself is a nice feeling.
I predict that there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and it is going to be so freeing for you. To be able to let go of perfectionism (something so MANY women struggle with – me included) is going to be awesome. The weight won’t even be a real issue anymore, and not because you will become a tall, skinny, imaginary (love that quote) girl, but because you will be YOU. Bravo.
#1 – You are such a brave person to put all of this out there. It is certain to help someone else who is possibly in a much lower place that you are now.
#2 – I challenge your skepticism because I am proof that she’s right. I know it’s hard to believe right now, but it truly does even out when you’re staying satiated from your other meals.
I love this post! Thank you for, as usual, being so honest. I am fairly ‘normal weight’and yet have had a lot of mental hang-ups about my size/weight over the years and have been working towards the non-diet mentality myself for the past 2-3yrs. It’s far more difficult than I anticipated and yet, I can say now that I’m into it a few years, very satisfying to just eat food. Period. Your nutritionist sounds like a gem and your goals this year are AWESOME! Keep going…
*the photos and poster in this blog post were quite beautiful. Great job choosing!
Oh Jules… this spoke to me. This could be me, from the Diet Coke to the dieting-since-9 to the self-critical perfectionism. I have my first meeting with a weight-loss doctor (no surgery, just a holistic medical approach – I’m not even sure exactly what that means) on Valentine’s Day. My gift to myself, my attempt to love me. I wish you well on your path, and would love to read a check-in occasionally.
Thank you for your honesty!
I’m so happy to be one of your readers today. I enjoy all of your posts, but I will admit that when I started reading (and indeed most of the way through), my heart was beating kind of fast and I was all stressy. Almost in tears. I finally stopped, walked away from my desk and did something else while I MADE myself think about why I was reacting that way.
“This is a post about ‘real women.’ This post is about what ‘real women’ look like, and I don’t look like that.”
Oh, Jules. The boxes we put ourselves into. I’m sorry that I thought you were going to disappoint me. The fact is that I disappoint myself on a regular basis by letting others’ pride in their bodies diminish my own. The fact is that I have climbed out of so many holes on my own that I forget I have one more to go, and that’s embracing what I look like. I don’t allow myself to feel attractive. I don’t look in the mirror and like what I see. And I admit that every post I see about what “real women” are just drives home the point that I am skinny and short and I have a body that more closely resembles that of a 14 year old boy than a 38 year old mother. And I feel less “real.” Less present.
Thank you for including us ALL in your post today. Thanks for sharing yourself. And thanks for welcoming me.
Elizabeth, I don’t have the right words to say thank you for this comment, but (especially in the spirit of this post of getting over perfectionism), I’m not going to let that stop me. A childhood of diets meant that I had a lot of anger about weight when I became an adult, but a conversation with my very slender boss opened my eyes to the fact that I wasn’t the only one who was getting shafted by the One True Body Ideal. I really hadn’t had any idea that she had to deal with crap about her weight and her body, and that any time I slid into snarking on thin bodies, I was becoming part of the problem myself.
I’m glad that more people are speaking up about how hard, but necessary it is to push back against diet culture (Jules, this was *awesome*). I’m really glad for quotes like the one Jules closed with, since body policing hurts all of us, no matter what side of it we’re on. And I’m especially glad that you pushed through and left this comment.
Second that, Elizabeth. Great post – for ALL of us – Jules. I’m “underweight” and 5’2″ with some curves and a good body image. I put the “underweight” in quotes because that is just how I was made – I have always, always been small and slight, and I’ve never dieted except to lose those Freshman 10 in college. I enjoy food, avoid diet/low-cal versions, and have never had any sort of eating disorder or exercise obsession. I’m now pregnant with our first child and man, my midwife was on me at the beginning about not weighing enough according to her chart. I really think she was suspicious about the health of my eating habits – I was so offended! Lady, this is the way I am, thankyouverymuch! I tried really hard to stuff myself to please her with weight gain the first few months, but now I’m just doing my best to eat till I’m full (instead of till I’m not hungry, my pre-pregnancy habit) and let the scale fall where it may. So, a totally different take from me, but still on the topic of food.
Zucchini is a vegetable. We all need to eat more veggies. It is shifting the idea from food is bad to food is nutrition and healing. I eat to heal my body and provide it with all the nutrients it needs (if only that were true…it is a work in progress). I had a great nutritionist that I use to work with say “It’s not about what “bad” stuff you ate today, it is about what you have not eaten. You know you need fruits and veggies. If you get to dinner and realize Gosh, I haven’t eaten any vegetables, have a salad. Don’t beat yourself up over the brownie at breakfast.”
That top photo of Marilyn Monroe is one of my all-time favorite photos.
I wish you strength and patience in your journey towards health and normal eating!
I do hope that you continue to blog about your eating disorder, how it affects you, and how your therapist is guiding you towards dealing with it. My life has been touched by eating disorders in a very sad way. My aunt died of anorexia in 2009, at the age of 59. She was anorexic from the time she was a teenager until her death. My aunt was a particularly difficult case to deal with because she was also schizophrenic, and to have that dual diagnosis complicated treatment for both mental health issues.
Today, I have a friend with an eating disorder that I see regularly and email almost daily. When he entered into treatment for his eating disorder, I didn’t know how to support him because my family never figured out how to support my aunt. My whole life, I witnessed our family fail to figure out and understand her very complicated situation (not entirely our fault). I did what I do, when I needed to know what it means to have an eating disorder – I looked up pro-anorexic blogs and began reading. (No one should do this unless they are 100% sure that they themselves are not going to develop an eating disorder or are certain that reading a pro-anorexia or pro-bulimia blog will not aggravate an existing problem with food.)
I found some blogs and followed them for months, all of them written by teenage girls. It was extremely helpful to me, because what they were willing to say online to their friends was usually the stuff they were too polite to say to their friends and family. As a friend and a family member, I needed to hear such things. I needed to hear that a compliment such as you “you look healthier” can be a trigger, that sometimes it’s really awful (instead of comforting) to be hugged, and that sometimes the people who surround someone with an eating disorder just want the person with the eating disorder to get better SO BADLY that we’ll say anything, even something really boneheaded, just to make “it” better.
That saved me in my daily conversations with my friend. When he was really falling off the wagon in terms of his recovery, was gaining a ton of weight which then caused people around him to comment on his body, which triggered his self-loating…. thanks to the teenage girls who vented their anger and their suffering online, I was able to understand HIS anger, understand what he needed to hear from his support group.
Thanks to bloggers who record “and this is what my therapist says I need to do, and this is EXACTLY how hard it feels to attempt it, and this is how quickly I back slide, and this is what makes it harder, and this is what makes it easier, and this is what feels good when I’m down, and this is what I think about my therapy”, I am able to support my friend when he echoes what you say.
I hope that blogging about your eating disorder brings you relief, that it lets of some of the pressure behind your perfectionism. Journalling is good for that. The blogging being done by the often derided and dismissed teenage girls of tumblr and elsewhere has been empowering me for at least a year to two years now, and I thank them whenever I can for choosing to share instead of letting themselves be silenced by a society that devalues them, or tells them to get over it, or says they’re in it for the attention, or tells them to “just eat”. I thank you for being an adult woman who has an eating disorder, and says so, and addresses it, and takes the time to share what “addressing it” means to you.
I love the part about you being proud of being the best at your perfectionism…that spoke to me:) Perfectionism is so freaking hard to let go of. It is the dysfunction that looks so functional, don’t you think?
Another voice, admiring your courage on putting all this out there for the world. I was a chubby little kid through grade school. I was teased & bullied, yadda yadda. It proved to be a true case of “baby fat” that mostly left when I hit puberty. Then in high school, I challenged myself to lose a lot of weight — which I did. I got quite skinny & coasted on that for years — eating terribly through my early 20s (no breakfasts ever, Hostess fruit pies for lunch!). But that was 20 years & 2 kids ago.
This whole post makes me realize that, for whatever reason, I missed the whole perfectionist thing, and the body-image thing. I don’t know why. But I’m feeling very grateful for mostly feeling fairly okay about my body (my hair…that’s another story). And what your nutritionist said, about how you’re one of the most self-critical perfectionists she has ever treated? Yikes. I’m kinda scared of you now. ;)
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Just last night I had one of those ‘I have a big event coming up, time to actually stick to my diet this time’ talks with my husband. And yet, like LAUGHING ABI mentioned above, I am exhausted. I *feel* like I have been dieting for a decade, yet because I can’t make it stick I have all the frustration of dieting, but none of the results.
The idea of living in a non-dieting world sounds equal parts liberating and absolutely terrifying. I keep ‘dieting’ and yet am so overweight… it scares me to think what would happen if I wasn’t trying to lose weight. And yet. If your nutritionist is right and that is the secret?! Wow. Especially since what I have been doing isn’t working, I guess the logical thing is to try something new. (And maybe, for once, that isn’t a new ‘diet’??)
PS- Would you mind sending me contact info for your nutritionist? I’m not in LA, but if she does Skype, she may be just what I am looking for…
Might as well de-lurk to tell you I’ve suffered eating disorders most of my life. I have to be VERY careful because I can slip back into those feelings of self-loathing very easily.
i’ve been trying to think of something fancy to say but i can’t. thank you, thank you for your honesty here. you are not alone.
I’ve been seeing a therapist that specializes in body image and eating disorders. I have 3 kids, a mom with Alzheimers that was living with us, a full time out of house job as a clinical law professor, and a hubby who travels often for his career. I couldn’t deal with all of those things and my body issues (that I’ve had since I was four). Things have been a lot better for me in that time. Because of therapy, I’ve put everything in perspective and have made decisions about what to do with others and myself so I don’t abuse myself with food. I fail . . . a lot. But I do focus on myself more now than I did before.
One of the issues that I have with overeating is the fact that in my head I burn it off because I consider myself an athlete (a fat athlete, nonetheless), so I will exercise and feel strong, but will ruin all those efforts with a cookie (large cookie) or a chocolate bar–daily. Or I will eat well and not exercise. I fail to find the balance in all of the things necessary to achieve my goal in health and fitness.
I have gone gluten free again because I went way over my “usual body weight” which is still in the 200s. I am trying to get to my happy weight, which is about 43 lbs less than I weigh now. I’ve decided to take it day by day. “I will exercise today.” “I will eat more healthily and in proportion today.” “I don’t need that toffee cookie, sized like a saucer, and a latte with 8 sugars today.” I can’t plan for 6 months down the road because I will consider myself a failure, if I don’t reach that goal in 6 months. And feelings of failure leads to (all together now) “overeating”.
You will succeed when you are resolute in your mind that you will work toward finding your happy weight (and that may not truly be 115 lbs because you’re 5’2″–totally making up those figures, of course). I will say to you that you should try to build in exercise into your daily schedule. I find myself fidgety and anxious if I don’t have a workout. Go for a walk. Climb steps. Bike ride. Chase after the boys. But do it actively for at least 30 minutes. That is all. It will build from there. It will become a habit and you will find it to be a necessity in your daily function. There is no excuse if the boys are both in school. Buena Suerte!
I love hearing your perspective and hope you continue to post updates. If the nutrionist genuinely works for you, I vow to try it myself.
However, as a woman who has never *not* been fat, it drives be absolutely batty when people say that when you get your head straight, the weight will come off. I’ve read so many articles and posts about “non-diets” and “eating based on instinct” and “once you let go of your ego the weight will fall off.” I firmly believe its not that simple and I actually find it offensive to suggest its the only real answer. I’ve always been fat. I was raised by parents that fed me alongside my (skinny) brothers… but I was a fat kid. I live and work with a husband who observes literally every piece of food that goes into my mouth. And I’m still fat. There’s no sneaking food or lying about what I eat. I never expect to be skinny. I would like to someday be not medically obese. At the moment, I’m doing Weight Watchers – a diet where I’ve had to UP (yes, increase) my food intake to meet my points allowance, so I’m actually gaining weight. It’s maddening and at this point I’m really just ranting.
i had lofty ambitions to start this year with lots of raw or lightly steamed fruits and veggies all day, a small serving of lean meat or fish for dinner. no soda and heavily doctored coffees!!! of course, it wasn’t long before i returned to old habits. but when i type it out and read it back it seems a little ridiculous that i haven’t just gone for it. i still believe it will improve my life. i still want to do it. there’s obviously too much thought in between. let’s just do it, shall we?
Thanks for your post. I have to say I’m one of the lucky ones in that I don’t have (much in the way of) body image issues . . . but as someone up above commented, I have friends who are going through this, and it is very helpful to know something of the struggles. I’ve found Anne Lamott writes about her eating disorder and addictions, along with the art of writing and her spiritual journey, very well. One thing she wrote has always stuck me with me, that when she started seeing someone about her eating habits she had to re-learn what hunger felt like. I had no idea that happened. But she talks about how she dealt with that. . . I think it’s in “Traveling Mercies.”
I was really tired when I wrote this last night, so I forgot some other points my nutritionist has been trying to help me realize. (Nico has been sick for days and keeping me up night, poor thing.)
She said that at some point I’m going to have to accept that there is no perfect weight, no perfect size. Charts are pretty worthless. She (kindly) suggested that I may never be “skinny.” Her point is that once I stop trying to be something I am not, I can discover who I really am. It’s very possible I will always be plus size, and so long as that is my natural weight with mindful eating, that’s perfectly okay.
Oh, Jules – I’m so sorry that your struggling with all these frustrating things. I’ve gotta tell you – I think you are seriously one foxy looking lady! :) You are seriously so gorgeous, so don’t let yourself get too down! I’m just one straight bean pole still wearing training bras at 25, so ya know, there are pros and cons to each side ;) Also, I have to share that I am completely inspired by, and totally loving the concept of your daily walks. Little routines that we make for ourselves, our “norms”, can really help create the happy and healthy lives we are all searching for. Kudos on your accomplishments!
thank you for this… for every word. self love the the hardest and most important thing ever. so very hard.
Very honest, very brave, and very much appreciated.
Thanks for your words.
I am right there with you in the trap of perfectionism and avoidance of mirrors and cameras. This is very, very hard stuff. I am sending up a prayer for both of us.
Hi Jules – I thought about this post all day yesterday, struggling for what to say. First, I am so impressed that you write about your struggles with disordered eating here and I really love your eloquence (as always). Your writing just makes me want to reach out and hug you. Seriously! Second, I’m impressed that you continue to try and get to the bottom of why you are how you are in an attempt to improve yourself. There’s been many times that I should have done the same, but then thought, well that’s just the way I grew up, so…I know in my heart that isn’t an acceptable response (to me) nor will it provide a solution. And honestly some of my issues (or things I’d like to change, I guess) – I didn’t even know they were issues! Like my extreme perfectionism and my tendency to hide when I eat foods that I perceive as “bad”. It’s only when pointed out to me as maybe not the healthiest of behaviors, that I realized, oh my, this isn’t how everyone else is and maybe it’s not so good for me! Anyway, all this is a long-winded way of saying – good for you! I am proud to read your words and I love that you are including us in your journey! xo
I’m sitting here and tears are in my eyes. You are so beautiful, absolutely breathtaking, and I was wish I was closer to you. I want to photograph you so desperately and show you how beautiful you are!
I don’t know why, but that last quote made me cry. Maybe because I haven’t slept in days, but it definitely hit something. For years I’ve felt that I didn’t have a leg to stand on when it came to talking about healthy living, eating, dressing your body, whatever, because people would automatically pull the skinny card. I actually said to someone last night that maybe I shouldn’t try to lose the post baby weight because people seem to really be able to relate to my posts where I show my big pooch. Most of us here in America are twisted and warped in some shape or form when it comes to body image, whether short tall fat or skinny. At any rate, I’m cheering you on.