The Blooper Reel

Being sick over the weekend prevented me from taking pictures of myself for a future blog post.  In fact, I completely forgot about it until right before noon today.  This meant I had to shower, dry/style my hair, put on makeup, and then take pictures all before leaving to pick up Mikey from school at 2:30.

After the debacle that was Cheese-Gate, I bought a remote control for my camera.  This, I believed, would be the best $20 I ever spent.  In theory, it has been.  Theory, however, doesn’t account for things like Nicholas.  You see, today I wanted to take a picture of myself sitting in a chair by the nice light of my kitchen window.  I wanted my arms demurely folded in my lap, perhaps casually slung over the back of my chair, giving me the air of genuine, open, friendly, approachable, royalty.

The woman in the store made a great show using the remote control from awkward angles, and I could swear she used it once with one arm behind her back.  Knowing this, I figured I would pose like a queen and press the remote with the fat of my big toe.

[pauses briefly to allow readers to appreciate visual.]

It didn’t work.  Something was weak, and I still don’t know if it was my plan or my toe.  Either way, I was left sitting on a chair in a kitchen having a staring competition with an aperture.  I had no choice but to call in Nicholas and have him take my picture using the remote control.  It went exactly as you imagine.

Right out the gate we had to have a discussion about impulse control and waiting for mama’s “go word.”

Not my go word. That is, however, the same weird, twisty-thing my dad does with his eyebrows whenever he has to say something like, “Um, still not my go word!”

Praying for patience.

But received wrinkles, nostrils, and chola-chin instead.

Sure, take a few more. We’ve got nothing but time!

Wait. What? What the hell happened to my neck?  First my feet, now my neck?! Chin, meet breast plate. Breast plate, meet chin.  By the way, did I blow your hair back with the force of my sigh?  Because let me tell you–what God apparently didn’t give me in neck he gave me in lung capacity judging from this picture.  Sighing, Nicholas = NOT MY GO WORD.

I’m going to assume this means I am so awesome that, like, 35% of my body parts are just superfluous.

Out of, oooh, 145 pictures, I was able to crop, splice, and EDIT THE HELL out of five pictures. I then sent those pictures to Tristan with a request that she further crop, splice, and EDIT THE HELL out of them. You and I will both see soon enough if she can deliver.

Comments
34 Responses to “The Blooper Reel”
  1. Heather W. says:

    Um…the pictures aren’t showing up. I’m sure they’re all kinds of entertaining, though!

  2. Jules says:

    How about now?

  3. ABC Dragoo says:

    YEP clear as day ~ you’re funny with your descriptions! :)

  4. Amy says:

    I LOVE bloopers! But I certainly hope those aren’t your bad pics … if so I’m feeling really bad about myself right about now. *sigh* Have you ever tried using a timer? If not you should give it a go … setting the timer, then proceeding to fling yourself in front of the camera and quickly try to look natural … it’s a lot of fun …

  5. kelly says:

    I’m sure one will turn out great b/c you do look pretty even in these outtakes!

  6. I actually really love that last one.

  7. Jules says:

    Nooooooo! Not the last one! I look like Marie Osmond with Cushing’s Syndrome! I HAVE NO NECK.

  8. Melissa says:

    Despite the issues with your photography assistant, your makeup looks FABULOUS. And because my complexion & coloring look similar to yours, I’m here to beg for product advice. The last time I bought foundation was at Aldi, so obviously I NEED HELP.

    And I just wanted to let you know that I’m a loyal reader–I’m also a wife, mother, writer and (inactive) attorney, and I’m continually inspired by your dedication to writing while being at home. My third (and final!) child is now 2 1/2, and I’m looking at the crossroads ahead: Activate my license (after 8 years at home, what do I remember about the law?)? Dust off my journalism degree? Lock myself in my room and write bad poetry? Put up flyers in the grocery store saying I’ll bake Barbie birthday cakes for your next Pretty Princess party?

    Never mind my career crisis–I’m a big fan. And now I’ll get back to my grocery list.

  9. victoria says:

    I think you are stunning!

  10. Cara says:

    You. Crack. Me. Up. Again. Always.
    I’d go with the last statement…you’re so awesome that the rest of you is superfluous!! :)

  11. Jules says:

    Melissa. Oh, Melissa. Now you know why I am working so hard on my blog and why I think about it 20 out of the 24 hours in the day. Nicholas starts preschool next year, and right after that–kindergarten. That means I have to find a reliable source of income or go back to law. That will be 6.5 years for me, which means I remember as little as you. Plus, it would kill me to go back to work having not figured out how to make money doing what I love. Hmm. Let me rephrase that: it would kill me going back to work having figured out how to make money doing what I love but not having the courage to follow through. Yes, that’s more accurate.

    As for makeup, I am addicted to potions and lotions so I am always at least somewhat aware of the new thing. Not as much as when I was working, obviously! Having a friend like Tristen helps. We share the same obsession (mascara, pores, age spots, dry skin, etc.) so we can recommend products back and forth. Are you asking me what makeup I am wearing? Because if you all want to talk makeup–bring it. I could do that all day long.

    Victoria–stunning is the size of my pores when you see those pictures in full size. It’s why there was a picture image this morning. I clicked on full size and almost died from the horror. I had to go back in and resize them. Yikes.

  12. Sara Jane says:

    “Not the last one! I look like Marie Osmond with Cushing’s Syndrome! I HAVE NO NECK”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! There is no typed equivalent of how hard that made me laugh.

    Ps. I don’t recommend that you Google image search “Cushing’s Syndrome” while at work unless you want some odd stares.

  13. Melissa says:

    Yes, Jules, tell me about makeup! I have many obsessions, but makeup is not one of them. I wear makeup (some of the time), but if the routine exceeds 3 minutes, I’m going to skip it in favor of changing a diaper, making sure the Epi-pen in is my purse, and getting to church/school/karate/ballet sort of on time. Also, I am cheap. The only product I am consistent about using is moisturizer (I like fragrance-free Olay Complete). In these photos, your skin looks really natural but pretty–what are you wearing? I love the lip color. And someone please tell me of a mascara that doesn’t give me raccoon eyes after an hour!

    Back to work…I need a strategy. A plan. Of course, at the moment I cannot hear myself think. My almost-kindergartener is babbling about jump ropes and my 2-yr-old is doing something to get in her way. And we still need to get to the grocery store.

  14. Jules says:

    I have an epi-pen–ours is for nuts. How about you? So fun! Not. I don’t use anything too expensive, although I have a few things that I use for special occasions or when I am going to take pictures of myself. I know that sounds crazy, but I am, so it works.

    Hmm. I can already see this is going to be a long comment. I’m going to write a separate post on what I use. I tried to put it in this comment but it was so long it was embarrassing.

  15. Melissa says:

    Yep, epi-pen for peanuts. Kid #1 outgrew his allergy (yay!), but Kid #2 has it, and we’ve yet to test #3. I’m eternally grateful that nobody has asthma or multiple allergies.

    Looking forward to your makeup post! Now that my kids have eaten an entire sleeve of crackers, I am going to postpone lunch and drag them to the grocery store instead. No doubt you’ll hear the screaming all the way from here in Illinois.

  16. Mrs Soup says:

    Okay yes, I know it’s difficult to enjoy self portraits…but HELLO GORGEOUS!! Said in my best Barbra Streisand impersonation. Your skin is beautiful. Your makeup is amazing. Your eyes. Oh gorgeous eyes! And that hair. I so wish my hair would do things like that, but whenever I tried (back when I had long hair) it just went “PHBTTTTHHH”.

    Thank you for sharing!

  17. Licia says:

    Hilarious post. I’m still chuckling (which is bad because I’m in the office “working”). Much like with the post about your boston cheese cake, I am taken by your outfit. Just curious. What did you wear that top and cardi with?

  18. JJ says:

    These are fantastic. Totally a fun post. When Nico ends up being Ansel Adams taunt him with these photos.

  19. Funny stuff! And I agree you are gorgeous! Brown eyed girl must be your song!

  20. Love this. And they’re STILL good pictures. And girl, you got a good camera too.

  21. alexandra says:

    Camera remotes are tricky business sometimes. Did the woman at the store use your camera for the test or theirs? Feel free to email me if you ever want to talk technique. Also, it is a law of the universe that any demo will NEVER work once those automatic doors open and you step outside of the store.

  22. Jules says:

    Licia–I wore that with dark rinse capri type jeans, but with big cuffs. Does that make sense? I wore it with the cream canvas sneakers I wore in this post. :)

  23. Jules says:

    Alexandra–yep. Tried it out with my own camera. I don’t know what the deal is. I guess I was too close or something.

    Mrs. Soup–to get your hair to do that (I discovered) you need a really good curling iron and hair spray. It’s totally easy.

  24. Brigitte says:

    you have crazy long eyelashes.

  25. Michelle says:

    The second to last is pure fabulousness.

  26. Miss B. says:

    I like Brigitte, she’s always spot on;)

  27. Kathryn says:

    Bloopers? My butt! I think you look fantastic!!! You have such pretty eyes!

  28. seleta says:

    You’re so funny. All I see is really a pretty face with flawless skin, eyelashes like Belle’s from Beauty and the Beast and super thick hair {jealous}. Oh, and a sassy styled shelf with cream colored goodies in the background. ;-)

  29. sixoneseven says:

    I’m with Brigitte–such gorgeous fringe!

    I’m a Canon person, but I looked up your remote & it looks like it operates on an infrared signal, which requires an unobstructed path between the transmitter and the receiver in order to work. I’m guessing either your toe obscured the transmitter, or the camera lens blocked the receiver. If you’re willing to spend a little more, an RF remote will allow you to shoot from further distances even if there’s stuff between the transmitter & receiver. Alternatively, you can use your current remote with the self timer, so you can point it right at the camera to trigger but still have time to hide it away before the shutter goes.

  30. Jules says:

    sixoneseven–Thanks! I think it was my camera lens that blocked the angle. My remote timer is only 2 seconds, so I didn’t think it would be enough time. I should look into the more powerful remotes when I get more serious about photography. Right now I need a good flash for nighttime. My reunion is coming up!

  31. Licia says:

    Thanks for the outfit clarification! The jeans with big cuffs makes sense in my head. I like it. If you see a woman walking around in that same outfit some day, be assured it’s probably me!

  32. ohbrooke says:

    You have the most gorgeous eyelashes EVER! Oh, and skin, and hair and… you are stunning!

  33. Kaitlin says:

    Jules, the link to Tristan’s blog isn’t correct…you left the second P out in ‘typepad’. Just so you know.

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Hi! I’m Jules.

I used to be an attorney, but it made me grumpy. Now I write about life, sweet and savory, as a wife and mother to two small boys. My knowledge of dinosaurs knows no bounds.

You can read more, including the meaning behind the name Pancakes and French Fries here. And, yes, I really am phenomenally indecisive.