I wanted thank you all for your input on Nicholas the other day. I never considered ADD because I thought hyperactivity was a component of the disorder, and he is definitely not hyperactive. He’s actually calm and sweet, and when he’s doing something he enjoys–like building or drawing–he can stay focused for a long time. (This all works nicely with what I have since read about ADD.) I’ve been doing some research, checked out some books from the library, and have been working on some questions to ask the pediatrician. I mentioned to my mom my suspicions a few days later and she said one of my brothers was diagnosed with ADD as a child. This same brother is the consummate highly gifted day-dreamer. The plot thickens!
Maybe I have ADD, because this is all I was able to achieve in two weeks. I bought frames. Yay, me!
These frames were going to hold my favorites drawings from the boys in the laundry room, but my procrastination my have worked in my favor because now I’m not sure if that’s the best idea. We have a nice expanse of wall that may be better served with an enormous chore chart because ohmyword summer vacation.
The boys are slobs now that school is out.
They lounge on the sofa like kings.
I tell them to pick up this and that and everything else what feels like 400 times. I hate to dole out the consequences, but sometimes they paint themselves into a corner and leave me no choice but to follow up on my threats. This ticks me off because I would like to go swimming at grandma’s house, too, so their day isn’t the only one “totally ruined.”
After dinner the other night I must have complained or I don’t know what, because the Mister snapped like a dry twig and held an emergency Come to Jesus meeting. As the middle son of a single mom for most of his early childhood, he grew up with far more responsibility (and at an earlier age) than our boys have now, which he likes to point out every now and then.
It’s not that the boys do nothing. They make their beds and clean up, but there is nothing formal in place.
Assigning responsibility is one area where we don’t always to see eye-to-eye. I half expect him to toss them the keys to the car and have them fill up the tank on the way home from picking up groceries. He probably has nightmares of me rocking them to sleep as adults like the mom in I Love You Forever. On Tuesday we met in the middle.
Mikey is now in charge of clearing all the plates from dinner, rinsing them, and loading them in the dishwasher. He hand washes anything delicate. (Any dishes in the sink from throughout the day are also his responsibility.) Nicholas is in charge of putting away or to wash all the linens and wiping down and cleaning the table. They did a fabulous job. Far better than I expected.
And do you know, the next day at breakfast as Mikey sat down Nicholas almost had a coronary because he didn’t put down a place mat. “My table! My table! Dude, that’s my table. I just cleaned it and you’re going to make it all messy!”
Later that night, Mikey remembered on his own to do the dishes and load the dishwasher. I had a #momfail because I didn’t let him wash my chef knives by hand. I admit it, I chickened out. I didn’t like the way he was playing with them and instead of correcting him I took them away and said I would wash them. I knew I was doing the wrong thing even as I was doing it, but if I was perfect I’d have a federal holiday in my honor and the power to divide nations.
Instead, I have 5 frames I might not use. I don’t have a chore chart. I do have quite a few websites that breakdown chores according to age, and they are inline with what we had planned, so that’s good.
Speaking of chore charts, anyone have one they like? I admit I would like a cute one. I know! So dumb. These seem to be pretty popular. It’s a little girly for my taste and I don’t care for the black frame, but I know the boys (okay, Nico) would love those magnets.
EDIT #1: The dry erase method has been recommended and it’s one I considered, but I know the smudges would drive me crazy plus I don’t want to be the mom who doesn’t let the boys touch something because they’ll “ruin” it. (Because that’s exactly the mom I would be.) Both Mikey and Nico are left handed, so there is no way around smudges.
EDIT #2: I think I might have found what I was looking for on Pinterest. Simple, inexpensive, not too “baby” for Mikey. Thoughts?
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Good for you. We did this only haphazardly and inconsistently and it is a struggle–though to b fair my fifteen year old son is faster to say “yes ma’am” (and then actually do it right then lest he forget) than my thirteen year old daughter who really needs to have a lot of money in her future to pay the people she will need to help her keep up with herself.
Chore chart: http://suttongrace.blogspot.com/2010/01/chore-charts.html
I like this one because you fill in their name & the chores of your choice. My kids love to check off the boxes (I will eventually have them mounted on the wall with a clipboard for each).
We don’t have charts, I stink at keeping up with them and what I think the kids should do changes depending on what else is going on. They each have a clipboard with a legal pad and I write chores on it (if I’m feeling organized). During the summer they have to complete their daily chores before they can play. They have to empty the dishwasher/clear dishes/clean the table, make beds and walk the dog daily, with room and basement deep cleaning happening once a week. They also have to fold and put away their laundry as it comes up. They’re somewhat horrible at folding, but as it was all coming apart as they put it away anyway I’ve chosen to let that go. It takes at least a week of mean mom before they’ll do these things without pushing back too much and then occasionally mean mom must return for short periods during the summer.
My ADD dreamer stands in the middle of her room during cleaning day and can’t remember what to do. I thought it was just her and kid stuff until the 6 year old started just figuring out how to organize tidying up and I realized it was more. I still thought it was just “executive function” delays till we did the testing. Now we’ll see if meds help this and the other stuff.
We don’t have a chore chart. We have a list of chores on a small chalkboard on the fridge. It is largely a reminder for me–so I can remember what it is that needs doing. We are instituting an expectation that each child will do about two chores a day, assigned on an as-needed basis.
My two are 15, and it’s only been in the last 6 months that they’ve had an expectation of daily chores. Really (really really) wish I’d started this about 8 years ago. I will blame my dysfunctional marriage and the survival mode I was in for the years following its demise. One child and I went to the mat over clearing the table just the other night.
I appreciate the exploration of ADD. I’ve got a highly intellectually gifted boy who used to fall off his chair at the dinner table. Yes, he’s always had “executive function” challenges. All last year, I watched him sing-song (loudly) to get himself to focus through math homework. I’m an educator who’s seen LOTS of ADD in my time, and I know that gifted kids with learning disabilities often go undiagnosed because their abilities mask their challenges–and still I hadn’t considered this as an explanation for some of his behavior. Going to investigate further. It’s not too late for chores, and it’s not too late for this, either.
PS: We’ve actually gotten quite a bit done, but that’s why I haven’t gotten a post done. May link up tomorrow. We’ll have to see how today goes…
Jules, I really laughed out loud over the paragraph of your parenting style differences. Made my morning. I just implemented some daily chores as well because I’m losing my mind following these two tornadoes around the house, picking stuff up. I can’t wait to see what you come up with for chore charts. I tend to print of charts that I can put on a clip board and the girls can cross stuff off and then we recycle the pages. Dry erase things ALWAYS get smudged in our house & my youngest will end up with magnets ev,er.y.where except on her chore chart (they go to live in the doll houses, etc.)
Why not use the frames as chore charts? You could insert a sheet of paper if you like and write on the glass with markers.
I was thinking of getting a larger IKEA frame and doing just that so that I could surround it with the other frames I already have, but my concern was the smudge issue, and Shannon isn’t making me feel better about it!
Sorry! Your edit sums it up exactly – I don’t want to be crazy about something that is supposed to make things easier. :D
Chores were something my parents did on and off when we were growing up. They would go through phases where we had charts with stickers, and specific tasks for each of us. I loved it (as I am a sucker for structure and learning new things, like doing laundry), but they would never hold us to it for more than a month or two. They were great with the disciplinary follow-through…but not so great with any other parenting technique that involved sticking with something.
I think it’s good for kids to have the chance to take charge of their own living space. They learn new tasks, and to respect their home in a way that will come in handy as adults. Trust me – my husband was never taught how to do basic tasks growing up, and had to learn on his own (or from me) the importance of keeping a clean, well-maintained home. His allergies are better, and he doesn’t lose things nearly as much as he used to. Who would’ve thought washing your bed linens and vacuuming on a regular basis would have such a grand effect? I did…that’s who. ;-)
Meh, those magnet ones are a bit cutesy. And yeah, I can see the magnets getting scattered to the four corners of the Earth.
I like T’s idea. You could use that chart Ms Amy linked to or find a printable one on Etsy.
I have a menu planner up in my kitchen that’s just a poster inside an IKEA frame, plus a dry-erase marker. Three years old, still going strong and not looking grungy or anything. And it would be easier to change up the chores as needed. Not sure about the “kids vs dry erase surfaces” issue. I think yours might be okay with it. Or you could hang them up higher and make a “only mom can check things off” rule.
The smudge issue. I’m embarrassed to say I’m too anal about something like that, and I don’t want to be the mom who won’t let them do something because they’ll ruin it because I don’t want them to end up like me or remember I was so dumb about something so small. (Even though that’s exactly why I wouldn’t let them do it.)
The magnets being cutesy is exactly what Nico would love about them. You have to think like a 6 year old, not a grown woman. ;) Then again, they might be too cutesy for Mikey.
I’m making this way harder than it has to be.
Well of course you are. It’s sort of what you do… ;)
Those chore charts are cute, but may not work for you long term. How about a basic spreadsheet with stickers to mark completed tasks? I have 2 boys, 8 and 10, and they have to do chores to earn screen time. Most days that means picking up things they have left all over the house. I do like the idea of a daily chore, that they can take ownership of. But the dishwasher is my domain! :-)
I’ve tried so many chore charts with rewards and magnets and stickers and checkmarks and smiley faces and good heavens, I don’t know what-all. Now all we do is, she has a whiteboard next to her bathroom sink in the alcove outside her room, and I write a list of chores on it every day (she doesn’t write on it or have to touch it in any way). Fold the towels and socks that are in the dryer. Empty the dish drainer and do another sink full of dishes. Pick up the toys and shoes on your bedroom floor and vacuum in there. That’s her list for this morning.
When she’s done, she calls me to tell me she’s finished and she can go play. If I come home for lunch and it’s not done, she doesn’t go back out to play that afternoon and the list gets longer. If it’s not finished when I get home from work, she doesn’t go anywhere the next day and the list gets longer again.
Clearly, I am more on your husband’s side of the fence. I do want my kid to have a happy childhood full of fun and summers full of freedom, but that doesn’t help our family function. If all I do when I’m not working six days a week is laundry and cleaning, it’s gonna be hard for her to get to the library, the zoo, the snow cone stand, the pool…
LOVE this idea for kids a little older than mine. A is still in preschool so not quite reading yet, but I’m keeping this in mind for in a couple of years!
Rather than a chore chart we assigned (with their input) a couple of specific jobs that were each of our kids ongoing responsibility. Jobs were assigned while they were in elementary school and remained theirs as long as they lived here. During the year my daughter just spent with us between college and dental school she automatically picked right back up on her job.
This plan was helpful to me because I didn’t have to spend as much time monitoring and playing chore cop. (which is not to say that I did not dole out many reminders through the years—Do your chores!)
I actually made my own using clipboards, velcro, some simple pictures, and a laminator. If you want, I can send you the form I used? You can add or take away as necessary? It uses Xcel so I don’t know if you have that. If not, I can send it in pdf? It might not work with your frame idea, I just loved how simple it was and that I could change out their weekly responsibilities.
P.S.
Love that you have “Come to Jesus” meetings. I never heard of them until I married my husband and I LOVE the phrase.
Also: I love clipboards. I absolutely adore them. If I didn’t already have this whiteboard on hand, I would have bought a clipboard and covered it in retro contact paper and hung it on a clever hook with a sharpie attached to a ribbon. I don’t often do “cute” but I can’t resist a clipboard.
I’m a teacher and I frequently see parents underestimate what their kids are capable of. At school kids learn very early to have jobs. No teacher on earth can manage a class of 24+ kids without the students’ help with classroom tidiness. When in doubt, ask them about the classroom jobs. This will give you an idea of the responsibilities they have at school and can transfer to home. Even as a teacher I underestimate what they can do and give in to my control freak ways. When I let go and relinquish control I’m always pleasantly surprised at how my students rise to the occasion (I’ve taught grades 2-5 and it’s true for all ages).
As a kid my parents wrote out chore cards, 2-3 jobs on 3×5 cards. We would switch cards every week so we wouldn’t get bored of our jobs. Man, my sisters and I STILL talk about how much we hated those cards. But I have to admit without them, and the promise of allowance/threat of no TV, we wouldn’t have done anything.
I love that you can get the etsy charts for two kids or a family.
Dry erase crayons don’t really smudge like the markers do and are only a teeny bit more work to wipe off.
” I knew I was doing the wrong thing even as I was doing it, but if I was perfect I�d have a federal holiday in my honor and the power to divide nations. Instead, I have 5 frames I might not use.”
HA!
We don’t have a chore chart per se, because Annalie pretty much ignores them. She does have chores she’s required to do (unload the dishwasher, feed the cat, pick up own toys and clothes, sort and do her own laundry) but everything else is on an as-needed basis, because that’s pretty much how I handle my own chores, too. Also, our general rule is that if she wants to watch TV or play a video game for a half-hour, she has to do one chore to earn it. That works pretty well for us.
Our chore chart (http://myhomebaked.com/2012/03/22/choose-a-chore-kids/) doesn’t work as consistently as I’d like. No doubt it would work better if I had an expectation that they choose a certain number of chores to do each day. In reality, it gets ignored for weeks on end, and then occasionally there’s a flurry of activity when someone wants to earn a little pocket money. There are a couple regular chores that I do expect to be done daily that aren’t on the chart: picking up dirty clothes and clearing your dishes from the table. One struggle is that I need a different motivation methods for each child because of their age and personality differences.
Just this week I started having Cora empty the dishwasher. She’s 7.5 and going into second grade. She does a fine job of it too, I wish I would have thought of it earlier. I need a chore chart too though. The more kids I have the more I can’t keep up with everyone.
Aside from not knowing the tune to the song the mom sings, the other reason I don’t read “I Love You Forever” to my son is because I am so freaked out by the mom who sneaks into her adult son’s room and rocks him. I mean, is it just me or is that weird?
No offense, Jules ;)
Oh that book totally weirds me out, too.
Use wet erase markers, not dry! When I’m trying a new recipe I use one to write said recipe on a small board to take with me into the kitchen so I don’t have to lug my laptop around or worry about accidentally erasing anything, and it’s easy to clean up. I think most brands wipe away with just water, but I’ve been known to use a bit of hand sanitizer on my laminated cardboard calendar to make sure there are no leftover marks.