Short story: I almost peed my pants, so I cleaned out the junk drawer.
Long story: I have been slow to put up the Christmas decorations the past two weeks. An ornament here, a flattened, misshapen wreath there. It’s been a process. The other day I decided to set up my meager, two house Christmas tree village made of lit cardboard and realized the church with the bent tree needed new batteries. So, I went to get batteries. Tell me if you’ve done this before.
I walked into the kitchen and realized I needed to use the restroom. Yes, occasionally I’m seven years old and the obvious, like bodily functions, escapes me. I don’t even know.
The point is, I walked into the kitchen, the kitchen with an adjacent bathroom, and decided it was of paramount importance for me to replace the dead batteries in a cardboard church I’ve ignored for two weeks. Then I could go to the bathroom. I don’t even know.
I mean, I just don’t even know! I guess I thought I was shaving .0025 seconds off my time (what time?) and somehow that was going to make a difference in my day. With .0025 extra seconds in my day, imagine how many times I can, I don’t know, brush my bangs off my forehead. Wonder why mascara makes my eyes burn. Check email.
I walked towards my junk drawer with confidence.
No matter. I knew they were in there; it would take just one quick second (about as long as a tinkle!) to find three AAA batteries.
One minute later, meters of stitch witchery (?) flew through the air like parade tickets and I was absolutely, positively doing the pee-pee dance. But, since I was “in it to win it,” there was no backing down. I rummaged and rummaged and rummaged some more until I found those batteries. And then I grabbed my very favorite case of super small screw drivers and unscrewed the super small screw on the cardboard church and replaced the three batteries. And when the screw fell and got lost in a pile of orchid supplies (?) I rummaged some more until I found it put back together my cardboard church. Then I turned it on to make sure it worked.
I still don’t even know.
There was no way my bladder would survive me cleaning out that junk drawer. No amount of kegel exercises could have helped. I acted my age and used the restroom.
Afterwards, I pulled everything out of the drawer, vacuumed it, tossed out many random things, and put the batteries in an old container, front and center.
When I think of all the batteries I can change on the fly while my pelvic floor vibrates in anger, I want to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming. That much I know.
omg. i have totally, completely done that before. my 3 year old has drawn my attention to my “pee pee dance”. just so i can finish one last thing before i pee.
what IS that compulsion??
so weird. and weird to see it written about. it is one of those things i have done but never actually thought about. ha!
I know another reason why I read your blog. You remind me that I am normal.
It is nice to know that there is someone out there that does the pee dance to find batteries for ornaments, takes the kids dressed in Halloween costumes to the store when it is not Halloween, and thinks it note worthy enough that a bed is made to photograph.
Hah!! Thanks for the laugh!
Oh my that totally made me laugh. I have a dear girlfriend that always tell me I an indulging my bladder like it is a spoiled child. Some how we think we are stronger women if we can hold our pee!!! To prove a point we “do just one more thing” like we are training our bladders for some secret unknown marathon. Again thanks for the laugh ;)
Really, I have but one thing to say: best William Morris post ever. Pretty sure.
Ha! Going to pee is kind of like receiving a medal. It doesn’t feel earned unless there is a mad dash to the finish line.
I’ve done the pee-pee dance on many occasions. I would have gone one step further and changed the batteries on the potty. You know. Multi-tasking. Really? I don’t even know.
Now that I stop to think about it, almost every time I need to go during the day, I go through a list in my head and decide if, based on the severity of the pressure, I can put in another load of laundry or empty the dishwasher. I don’t know why I do this, though, because there’s nothing worse than bending over to put something in the dryer and having to freeze for a second to regain the upper hand because that position is about to make you lose it. It’s like some oddly paired wrestling match with my bladder.
We are a crazy bunch, aren’t we?
oh – so so glad to know I am not alone! I love how you describe “regaining” the upper hand…so perfect!
What is it that makes us put off going to the bathroom?? I’ll be cleaning the house or — in a recent case — decorating for the holidays, and all of a sudden, I’m doing a little jig in the living room. I inform my husband that I have to go to the bathroom, but… I DON’T GO. Why?? I always seem to wait until the last possible moment, when I literally have to put my knees together hobble to the toilet before I explode. There has to be a name for this kind of issue…
“while my pelvic floor vibrates in anger”—HA! That last paragraph killed me.
I think the last sentence could have been all she need to write to tell the story!!!
oh Jules…. you really are the best!
+200 points for everyone. I can’t stop laughing. :)
Thank you so much for the laugh this morning! My mom does this all the time, and it’s especially funny when she is attempting to do the dishes, because as soon as she puts her hands in the hot water it makes it even worse, and she starts dancing like crazy, but damn if she is going to stop what she’s doing to pee!
I have been like this my WHOLE LIFE. Stopping for a bathroom break kills me – I’m just not patient (or rational?) so I wait until I can’t possibly wait anymore. I got a little better about it after an embarrassing incident at age 12 where I actually wet my pants, while standing in the bathroom and trying to get one of those super long 80’s zippers undone in time. Way too old for that sort of thing, incredibly embarrassed. But I still find myself pushing it sometimes.
OMG, this is priceless.
TOTALLY GET THIS!! love it
Best. Post. Ever. Comments, too.
And posts like these are the reason why I love you.
I am totally the same way. I sometimes forget that I have to use the restroom and I’ve often found myself being reminded by a friend, or my boyfriend. It’s quite hilarious. The
“I have to go pee, brb.” then something distracts me, I come back … “What was I doing?”
“You have to pee.”
“OHH RIGHT, brb.”
I’m just glad it’s not a vicious cycle.
Or that I MUST feed my cat when I wake up in the morning, because she won’t be able to wait and will die from starvation if she waits onemoreminute. Or I have to finish eating my clementine before I go (which this actually just happened … I realized I had to go to the restroom half way through it and I had to finish it! HA!)
This is awesome! I am totally the same way… Glad to know I’m not the only one. I’m the one that refuses to go while I’m grocery shopping and I swear I can make it home… (I have a two year old and buggy and full of groceries and really it’s just easier to wait!)