Last week I turned 39 years old. I didn’t say much about it for several reasons. One, I’m uncomfortable being the center of attention. My last official birthday party was around age 7. I had slumber parties here and there with a handful of close girlfriends, but nothing more. One time, my dad called my friends on my 23rd birthday and had them take me out for a “surprise” round of drinks. My closest friends knew I would be mortified, so they told me ahead of time so I could practice my happy face. I put “have a birthday party” on my life list for a reason.
The second reason I didn’t say much about my birthday is because I can’t believe I am 39 years old. It’s not old(ish), but it felt ancient on my birthday. Maybe that’s not true. It felt sad. That’s more accurate. More than anything, 39 was an unwelcome reminder that time is marching on at a pace faster than I can manage. I can’t seem to be enough, do enough, or see enough for my age. At 39, my list should have more strikethroughs.
When I mentioned this on my birthday, I got a lot of eye rolls. I thought the Mister was going to throttle me. Hear me out. I have professional degrees, but I don’t use them. I have a growing blog, but not one large enough to take any of the weight off my husband’s shoulders. But I’m a good mom with great kids. That should be more than enough. That is more than enough. What a shame it is that I have to remind myself. I’m selfish, ungrateful.
The further I get from my birthday, the more rational my thinking. Everything is going to be okay. My birthday freak out was proof that, at 39, I am the same anxious, over-achieving, people pleasing perfectionist I’ve always been. I should have made praying the rosary one of my five goals this year. Mama needs a daily meditative practice, pronto.
Having to remind yourself of your achievements doesn’t make you selfish or ungrateful, you’re just so used to being a (great) mother that you stopped noticing.
My dad had similar thoughts around his 50th birthday and I could not believe my ears when he told me.
I think parents underestimate just how much their children love and look up to them. You have a huge impact on your sons’ lives, you’re making their childhood unforgettable and that’s is something that is invaluable.
I’m not saying that this is the only thing you should try to achieve, there are loads of other great things to do, but I think you should definitely give yourself some (more) credit for this, as I guess, it is one of the best things you can give.
Happy belated birthday, by the way :)
I agree with Anne – reminding yourself of your accomplishments doesn’t equal selfishness or ungratefulness.
I know what you mean about not using professional degrees. I am currently a 28 year-old stay-at-home mom to a toddler. I have a graduate degree in a very in-demand field and over the past two months, I have turned down two jobs because I wasn’t ready to go back to work. I feel guilty for wrestling whether or not to go back to work and turning down jobs when there are people out there who would give anything for a well-paying job to be offered to them. For this reason, I don’t discuss this struggle on my blog. In fact, this is the first place I have typed it out on the internet. I didn’t think this decision would be so hard.
Anyways. I just found your blog and I am now a regular reader. Hopefully if people continue to stumble across it like I did, your blog will become big enough to lift some weight from your husband’s shoulders.
Happy birthday!
Well, a very merry Un-Birthday to you! And I do love a good party . . . I’ll look forward to yours! :)
I know what you mean, by the way, about getting older. I turned 38 this year–THIRTY EIGHT! I don’t feel any older . . . until I say it aloud. Then I break out in a cold sweat and develop a nervous twitch.
But I can’t help but think, maybe God placed that feeling in your heart so you wouldn’t get too comfy where you’re at. Maybe he has a little something more for you . . . so he makes sure you continue to seek, explore, try . . . to get you where you’re going.
Of course, as you touch up on in your post, the key is to taper that want for more, with thankfulness for what you have, right now, today!
Sigh…I am (I can’t even believe it) 54 – and don’t know when that happened. If you woke me up from a very deep sleep and demanded to know my age, I think I’d say 46 – maybe 42. Oh well – at 39 I was pregnant with my second child, so even though I could be a grandmother I’m the mother of a high school freshman. I get panicky sometimes these days – when I think too much – about being so old. And all the things I haven’t done – like jump out of an airplane. And then I remember I have never wanted to jump out of an airplane, but, like your exercise goal, sometimes I wish I were a person who wanted to jump out of an airplane.
Being a great parent is a HUGE accomplishment. PLENTY of people don’t manage to do that. Living a life of intention sets an amazing example for your children. Plus – you take these incredible pictures of them – love this one where the human subject is looking away but the one dog is right there in the camera. It makes me smile. :)
At 29, I can related. I was talking to someone who was 69 who said the ‘9 birthdays are hardest for them, and I think I agree. I’m pretty content with turning 30 in a couple months, but 29 was hard.
I’m working on my 3rd degree that I’m not sure I’ll use, but it sure is fun to go to school (as I procrastinate writing my final paper of the term…). Working on gratitude is important, stepping back to see the big picture is important. You just don’t know what’s coming down the pike that will use all the skills you’ve accumulated. My mom at 57, just started a job she never thought she could have which uses her education degree, her volunteer and professional church ministry skills, her writing skills that have been a part-time job/hobby for years. She’s my example for remaining faithful when the future insists on being so blurry.
I turned 40 this year and for me, it was the first birthday that I felt even remotely close to being an adult. I’ve just never felt like the husband, house or kids were enough to make me one if I didn’t feel it inside. I guess I’m finally figuring out who I am.
From where I’m sitting, it looks like you’ve had a very life-altering year and you seem to be pretty receptive to each new thing that’s been revealed to you. I don’t even really know you, but I feel proud of you for the things you’ve shared here. It’s been very encouraging to see and it’s helped me alter my perspective on my own journey.
Happy Birthday!
I find birthdays overwhelming, too, and it’s hard to be the center of attention. This year, I’m throwing my own birthday party. We’re having a really nice dinner tomorrow night with a few other couples; very low key and no birthday cake involved. Planning it has been really fun. I know it wouldn’t be for everyone, but I’m sort of a project person. And hosting my friends will keep me busy (i.e., not self-conciously freaking out) and I’ll get to spend the day in the kitchen, which really is my favorite thing to do. We’ll see how it goes, but it seems like the best idea ever so far.
I forced a very large surprise party on Bob last month for his 40th. His feelings mirror yours as to being the center of attention. As do mine, hence the Vegas wedding. Then I was upset that he wasn’t as thrilled as I wanted him to be. You have one year to have this talk and either embrace or avert your 40 year party.
This post is one of those that make remind me that I ‘found’ this blog for a reason. You speak my language.
On the 1st I will turn 38. I have a couple of degrees and stay home, too. And I needed therapy to deal with it at first. I simply did not think that I was doing enough or that what I was doing mattered. And then my daughter needed physical and speech therapy and I saw what I was doing was. worth. every. single. moment. and. a. tight. budget.
Happy Birthday.
I’m trying to figure out how to word this comment without sounding like I’m 1.) telling you what to do, or 2.)so together that I have all the answers (because you’ve met me and know this isn’t true).
When I read this, It was clear to me that you are defining “done enough” on all of the exterior experiences (degrees/writing/blogging/mothering) and focusing very little on the person you have become on the interior. Your soul and your real person. Your passions, thoughts, ideas and creativity.
You have spent a lot of time cultivating your person, your feelings, thoughts and ideas and that is something that will never end (and shouldn’t).
Please don’t underestimate the person that the Lord has pushed you to become.
On the inside. Where some people will never see, but will be impacted by, because it’s truly who you are and not what you “do”.
Oh Jules I don’t have time to write a proper response right now, but just wanted to say that I had the same freak out last week (are we on the same cycle?). I even contacted one of my old coworkers inquiring about a job. I’m crazy and also normal, I think. I’m not making sense but I understand how you feel. Let;s get together soon, maybe after Christmas. Camp Mighty already seems a long time ago.
I totally understand. I just turned 41 two days ago. I’ve since had two people say: “wow…you don’t LOOK 41!” I mean, what is 41 SUPPOSED to look like? I’m sure it’s meant as a compliment, but I don’t feel successful or feel like I’ve accomplished “enough” to be 41, so when people equate my age with my physical appearance it irks me. I guess people don’t know what to say, so they try to throw out a compliment. I guess it’s better than people saying “wow…I thought you were 48!”
Happy belated Jules!
Jules, 39 is the new 19, well, I read ’50 is the new 29′ so I did the math there. It’s only important if you want to procreate (which you have) and after that it really means nothing because 39 is SO different from when we grew up 39 (that was geriatric back then). I just found out this guy is 2 years older than me, which makes him only a few more years older than you and this should make you feel like the Goddess that you are:
http://www.louisck.net/
I think this photograph should be printed, your baby looks like a baby in it (he’s growing so fast and here he looks so little) and your ‘original’ boys look pretty darn charming as well;)
For what it’s worth, I had the same freak out at 39. As others have suggested, 40 was much easier. I submit that those of us who freak out on the 9’s probably do so because we are anxious people, always searching, somewhat restless…so much so that we actually have anxiety an entire year early.
On the inside, though, it isn’t as simple as that–for me, anyway.
I have grown more in my adult life between the ages of 38 and 40 than in any of my other years. I finally hit the age where I realized how much of life I DIDN’T understand–meaning, I finally achieved some degree of wisdom. In my first 35 years, it was about how much I could accomplish. In my last 2 years, it’s been about recognizing how much is out there to respect. And, I suspect my freak out was more about entering an age of respect, not about revisiting what I’ve lost. I was just overwhelmed with respect…for life, for the gifts I am blessed with daily (simple things, like clean water), for the mercy of our creator (who has loved me faithfully, in spite of some serious Big Time sinful behaviors), for the people who love me, for butterflies, for music… As a kind woman posted above, it was the age where I finally became a “grown up.” And there’s some kind of awesomeness to that, which requires an adjustment. I think that if it doesn’t stop one in one’s tracks, then something is wrong.
Happy Grown Up Birthday!
I relate to many of your points, since I also stay at home and have a couple of degrees. I have a few years on you; for me, 40 was the sad number (it actually took a few months for the reality to kick in). Like you, I have a December birthday, but since mine is an exact week before Christmas, my mom made sure to make some kind of fuss each year — a tradition I do sorta continue, as we often take a special trip or at least have a festive dinner around the date. (For the 40th, I celebrated in my favorite place in the world, Yosemite.) I won’t say I’ve achieved all the insights and wisdom I hoped to have at this point, not to even mention the tangible accomplishments. But I do remind myself that I’ve always been a late-bloomer from the very start, and that assures me that I’m where I should be, for this moment. Happy Belated!
Happy birthday, and pfffft, 39 is nothing! (but I understand the not enjoying the celebration) Your boys are so young and suddenly you’ll look round and they will be grown and independent (my 2 boys, 26 and 30 now seem older than me). And forget the degree thing, you’re using your literary and creative skills (and training) to reach, entertain, enlighten, support, inspire a wider group of people than you would in that law office. So here I am in my 50s writing a PhD, plus teaching college students, and I love it, and truly, the students really like me. And yet when i look in the mirror i am so surprised how old I am and my bank balance is not great but when i work and teach it means nothing so again, 39? pfffft you could do another couple of degrees or career changes yet;))
I sooo relate to this post. I felt the same way when I turned 39 (I’ve had a few birthdays since). I also have two degrees I don’t use ;) I still have days where I feel I’m contributing nothing, I have nothing that’s just for me, and just where have the last 11 years gone, anyway? But then my kids do something amazing and I think, “Yep. This is worth it.” They are turning into wonderful little people and it’s not by default. I know now that I have a lot to do with this, but I’ve only really embraced that since turning 40. People tell me I’m “lucky” I have good kids, they eat well, they’re respectful, they do well in school, they’re funny etc. etc. etc. And I used to believe them. Then I realized I had a LOT to do with those things. I work damned hard at helping them to become that way. It’s not by accident. And I try to remind myself, when I’m feeling at my worst, that if the world has two awesome men who will be good to their wives and kids and maybe help the world out somehow along the way, this job will have been the best one I could have chosen.
Happy belated Birthday! I will be turning 42 in January and I can so relate to the “anxious, over-achieving, people pleasing perfectionist I�ve always been.”
Mine is coming in April and I’m dreading it. Don’t worry so much – the really selfish and ungrateful people can’t recognize it. So, clearly that’s not you. :) Happy belated birthday!
I think my being Latina and Catholic gives me a lot of “guilt” feelings and feelings of not being more worthy or capable. But I am starting to embrace the fact that I can and will accomplish more. For 2012, I am going to have an action plan to make the changes that I envision, but am too chicken to go for. Check out Failure Club on Yahoo. Maybe it will inspire you to strike out a lot more things off your list. Buena Suerte!
Happy Birthday! I turned 37 yesterday and I feel the same way (sad), only I couldn’t put it into words until I read yours. Glad you’re over it — I’m not. :)
Like others have said, completely relate. Ever-so-much would like to write something profound and wonderful, but alas ’tis not to be…maybe next year when 39 arrives on 30.11.2012 all the right answers will appear? If this happens, will be sure to share.
I can completely relate to how you feel. I may not be at the same stage in life as you but at (almost) 29, I’m starting to feel the fear of entering that next decade. And you know what? I don’t think that being introspective is selfish or ungrateful. I may be stepping out on a limb here (particularly because I don’t have children myself – yet) but I believe that there is always something else women need outside of a marriage, family, children…
I have always maintained I’m not a feminist because I don’t think it entirely necessary these days, but I still see the value in the notion of the “problem with no name”. I think we all struggle with this at times and maybe you’re just hitting that point in your life; where those tiny niggling questions like what do I want out of life, what do I do that makes me happy, what can I do to feel alive keep popping up. And the fact that we think these things at all makes us feel guilty and when you add family into that mix, often we feel that we’re letting them down as well. So don’t think you’re selfish, ungrateful or a bad mother because you are contemplating ‘you’ for a while. In the end this will make you a better person, and your family even more happy.
Happy birthday Jules – I have been a reader of your blog for a long time and thought it best to start writing today…I felt the need to comfort a friend I have had from afar. Smile and be brilliant!
-xxx-
wise, wise words
I was behind on blogs (sickness+busy weekend), so hadn’t read this post yet when I read today’s. Wow, I could cry, reading all these comments… Sometimes, it really IS enough to know you arent alone. It sort of takes the shame out of life.
HA! This made me laugh before 7am… no small feat.
Oh crud.. I posted that on the wrong post. These are what happens when my mind is not awake. Clearly.. this was supposed to go with the junk drawer post. Oops!