July is trying to kill me.
Several small things have happened, small enough that I would have weathered them fine on their own, but since there is a new problem, event, or social gaffe every other day, the result is a dog-pile of stress and angst. Thanks, synergism.
I’ll start at the beginning. We were days away from leaving for Florida when I received an email asking me if I would like to be interviewed for an article in one of my favorite magazines about–you guessed it–how to remove permanent marker ink from fabric. It wasn’t a for sure thing, but I went ahead with the interview (!!) and waited to hear if I would make the cut. May was looking good.
Two weeks later I signed on with Federated Media, a goal I established for myself when I started this blog in 2007. June was looking even better.
Then, July.
We’ll start off the month with The Mister. He loves his job, the same one he has had for over a year. They have bent over backwards trying to bring his salary close to where he was before his layoff, knowing that eventually he would earn commission and make up the difference. This commission was contingent upon securing a contract with a local hospital. The estimates were that everything would be signed and finalized with this hospital within three months of him coming on board.
It happened in June, so ten months. Typical for the mismanaged health care industry (especially hospitals), but better than nothing. Like I said, June was looking really good.
In July, The Mister and his company blew their first month out of the water. Just knocked it out of the park before the ink was even dry on the contract. The hospital wasn’t expecting this, and decided to cancel the contract effective immediately, citing cost issues. So, yeah. No commission. And on our end, no more severance, either. We canceled a family vacation to Colorado scheduled around a cousin’s wedding.
Stupid July.
We decided I wouldn’t go looking for work in a law firm just yet. But, the threat of financial ruin was enough to help me make up my mind on the direction I want to take the blog. I decide to make a go of it financially, and figured a redesign was a good way to mark my new dedication to what was once a place where I played around while the kids napped.
Then, I kind of freaked out. I’m not one to make snap decisions when it comes to things like my blog design (those are the decisions over which I waver for weeks) but I wanted everything in place before I started with Federated and received the article mention. Bad idea. I ended up aggravating Nicole to the nth degree with my flip-flopping. White! Color! Clean! Patterned! I don’t know, a little of each?
No.
On the night of my biggest blog freak, Buddy started screaming in the backyard. We brought him inside and it looks like he got himself caught on something. That something pulled out a fist full of fur at the roots and took skin with it, too. (He’s better now. Bald, but better. We still don’t know what happened.)
The next day Nicole and I agreed to put on hold the blog design since we both have too much on our plate. The Mister reminded me that the most important thing about a blog is the content, and suggested I focus on that. Good point! I started doing that and felt infinitely better about things.
Except July wasn’t ready to leave, despite leaving me with no money, no new blog design and, for Buddy, no fur.
It wasn’t all bad, of course. There were plenty of birthday celebrations (three!) and those were fun. My 20th high school reunion is on Saturday, and that’s exciting. My friend, Tiffany, and I are the two lone fools planning the thing so the last few weeks have been miserable. No one wants to RSVP until they see who else is going. Then they want to pay at the door instead of upfront. Then they change their minds about coming but don’t bother to tell us until our fifth message. It’s like a wedding, except we don’t get an expensive honeymoon or fancy gifts out of the deal. Our patience is slowly coming to an end.
And now I’m sick, probably because I’ve been sleeping no more than 6 hours a night. Mikey has been wheezing since we crossed into California from Lake Tahoe. He’s on an inhaler for right now.
You would think July would be happy leaving me with no money, no new blog design, no fur, no patience, and no health. False. July is nasty.
Today I decided I would not worry about money, blogs, fur, the reunion, or my waning health. Instead, I was going to bake cookies and crackers with the boys. This day remains one of my favorite days with the boys ever, and I had high hopes of recreating the magic.
Hah!
Hah! Hah!
Shortly before we left for the store I slipped in a puddle of urine, and it wasn’t mine.
For those of you keeping track at home, that leaves me with no money, no new blog design, no fur, no patience, no health, and no grace.
We get to the store and both boys hang from the sides of the cart, despite me telling them a million times that it’s dangerous. The cart wobbles, and I give them both the stink eye. They get off once we reach the nut bins. I start filling a bag with almonds.
I hear a crash.
I look down.
There is Nicholas on the floor with the cart on top of him. When I wasn’t looking he grabbed the sides and, with it empty, pulled it down on himself. He looked at me with eyes the size of saucers because, what do you know!, turns out IT’S DANGEROUS TO HANG FROM THE SIDE OF A CART and he knew that once I ascertained he wasn’t hurt, I was going to kill him.
Of course everyone comes running, and it’s all I can do to make eye contact. Actually, I don’t make eye contact. I pick Nicholas up and wave everyone off, rudely, because I am so upset I want to scream. There are two women alongside me when this happens and they are both looking at Nicholas like his only crime is belonging to such a negligent mother. One of them turns to smile at me with one of those smiles that isn’t really a smile and I, now in a tizzy, look back at her with all the love of Jesus in my heart and slam shut the bin of almonds before placing Nicholas in the cart.
Then I beg her pardon so I can move past her and she says in a voice dripping with sarcasm, “Oh, yes, I am sooo sorry.” Because, you know, if she doesn’t move fast enough I might tip her cart, too. She’s wrong, of course. I was actually debating stuffing her in the almond bin.
I round the corner of the bulk food section with no money, no new blog design, no fur, no patience, no health, no grace, and, apparently, no parenting skills.
That’s when I crashed into a bin off to the side and ripped off the scoop and tray with my cart, making an unseemly racket you could hear from either end of the store.
Mikey and Nicholas have the audacity to act smug. They remind me that accidents happen. (!!) They’ve never ripped a scoop off a bin and made a big crash, but that’s okay. I didn’t mean to do it, right?
Snarl.
No money, no new blog design, no fur, no patience, no health, no grace, no parenting skills, and no hand-eye coordination.
After my gaffe with the bin, Mikey braves my temper and jumps back onto the side of the cart. I look at him like he has a death wish, but then the six year old says, “Mom, it’s okay. There’s a bunch of stuff in the cart now so it’s heavy enough that I can’t accidentally tip it over.”
No money, no new blog design, no fur, no patience, no health, no grace, no parenting skills, no hand-eye coordination, and now, no words. I do mange to mentally curse his intuitive knowledge of rudimentary physics. And I make him get off the cart.
We get home and make the crackers but not the cookies because by this point I am feeling feverish. I start uploading pictures and tell Mikey he can eat some crackers.
“Mom, these are gross.” Nicholas concurs.
July has left me with no money, no new blog design, no fur, no patience, no health, no grace, no parenting skills, no hand-eye coordination, and no words. But by God, I’ve got crackers.
Cheddar Pecan Crisps
adapted, barely, from GourmetThese actually aren’t as bad as my derelict sons would have you believe. They are like a thin, savory cookie. Crispy on the outside, chewy on the inside. Actually, do you remember those cheddar biscuits from Red Lobster? They taste like that, only with more crunch.
- 1 stick (1/2 cup) unsalted butter, softened
- 8 oz Cheddar, coarsely grated (2 cups)
- 1 large egg
- 1 large egg yolk
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- 1/4 teaspoon cayenne
- 2/3 cup all-purpose flour
- 2/3 cup pecans, finely chopped
Preheat oven to 350F.
Beat together butter and Cheddar in a bowl with an electric mixer until smooth, then beat in remaining ingredients.
Roll rounded teaspoons of dough into balls and arrange 3 inches apart on buttered baking sheets. Flatten each ball into a 1 1/2-inch disk and bake in batches in middle of oven until golden, 15 to 18 minutes. Cool on wire wrack and store at room temperature for one week.
About the July curse and the grocery store incident, I’ll just say I can relate and hope August is better.
These life and recipie posts remind me of one of my favorite books Como agua para chocolate. Love them!
Like Water for Chocolate is one of my favorite books of all time! ~jules
I was laughing so much while reading your this post, my husband had to come over and see what I was reading. I love your blog and I too can relate to having to deal with two little boys who think they know everything.
Yay! It was meant to be funny. I have a dry sense of humor, and sometimes I worry it doesn’t come across clear. :) ~jules
Jules, I love your blog! I found it a few months ago but have been very bad at commenting. This post is classic! I have two small boys myself (smaller than yours, but they’ll get there) and I so recognize all the unfortunate events in this post. I wish you a wonderful August and I hope money will start rolling in soon!
Hi, Ida! :) (I love that name.) Two young boys? Consider yourself warned…~jules
Goodness gracious, I know the curse of July, too! With two small boys and Dad out-of-town regularly, I’m ready to hop a Greyhound to Po-Dunk City. Hang in there. It can only get better, right?
It sure as heck can’t get more annoying, that’s for sure! If you go to Po-Dunk, can you spot me a ticket? July took my money. ~jules
All that and you still give us a delectable recipe?! Now that, my friend, is dedication. And we do so appreciate. Also, I’m appreciative of the validation … I had a sneaking suspicion July was up to no good. Actually, it seems June & July have been conspiring to kill me … throw my crumpled, tear-stained body in the trunk of their car and head for Vegas. But we’ve nearly made it Jules! Now, let’s hope August will become our new bff …
Yes, let’s hope August is someone worth making out with… ~jules
July has also left me curled into the fetal position and shaking in the corner. WTH? I am SOOOOO ready for this month to go away.
Hah! That imagery always makes me laugh. I hope your August is better! :) ~jules
From a person who was sure that 2009 would be the slow, methodically, serial killer like death of her – I can so relate.
Better keep me away from your toenails….I am pretty sure that happened in July as well.
It will get better…. eventually, but it will. You’ll perservere and remember “This too shall pass.”
Damn. That did happen in a July! Your 2009 beats my July, though. Hands down! O_O ~jules
Lol…my July has been just as bad :( Im at my wits end! I was laughing out loud at this post. Thanks for making me smile this morning, I needed it.
Hang in there, Kristen. It’s almost over! ~jules
Hahahaha Lady, you might not have any money, a new blog design, fur, patience, health, grace, parenting skills, hand-eye coordination, or words but you sure know your way around writing a great story.
Those crackers look DELISH!
Thanks, Sara Jane. :) ~jules
You make me want to cry, you really do! I’ve had months like that, and I wish that those crackers had come round at the end of the day, they look like cheddar salvation. I’m going to bake some today, and hide them in the freezer, to bring them out when my month starts to look like your July.
plus 100 points for “cheddar salvation.” :) ~jules
You know the sentence that stuck is this one..”Shortly before we left for the store I slipped in a puddle of urine, and it wasn๏ฟฝt mine.”
Hand them each a basket and walk faster than them so it’s like you aren’t together : )
ha ha ha ha… and I was mad that Target has back-to-shool stuff already…
I tired that two weeks ago at Trader Joes. They crashed into an old bird who looked like she wanted to eat them for supper. I was mad at Target, too, until yesterday. ~jules
August starts in 4.5 days! I recognize how much July has sucked for you, but you had me practically rolling on the floor laughing with your stories (thank you!)…boys will be boys, right?
Boys will be boys. [sob] ;) ~jules
Sisters from anotha motha…I’m telling you!! I sooo feel your pain. But, I don’t have children, so I can only blame myself for my own gaffes.
I’m sorry you’re having such a bad month.. If I post more, would that help? :)
But hey, you had a comment from a published author, yes? And, it’s still July!! Maybe it’ll get better.
Yes, I did get that comment! That’s how July works. Brings you up so it can tear you back down. I’m telling you, July is sneaky. ~jules
Must be something about July! My husband and I just keep looking at each other and saying, “If we can just make it ’til August…” The good news is, only a few more days! Here’s hoping!
Yes! Only 4.5 more days…. ~jules
Oh oh oh! You poor lady! I have had periods of time like that where all you can do is shake your fists and scream something satisfying like, “Khan!” if you’re a Star Trek Fan or “Sharktopus” if you’re anticipating the SyFy made for TV movie (like me. This comment is revealing my dorkitude.)
Anyway, hang in there, I’ll be thinking of you! Kick July on it’s way out the door!
plus 250 points. ~jules
Why don’t you just write a book already. Your writing is superb. Better than in so many books I’ve recently read (but won’t mention.)
I’d love to! I think the blog to book train has passed me, though. I don’t think publishers have an interest in that anymore, and I don’t want to write something that isn’t special. I think you all deserve better than that. ~jules
do you really know how to get permanent marker out of fabric? My 20month old son got it all over his brand new shirt and I can’t get it out HELP!
I sure do! Buy Lift Off. If you look above, under favorite posts, there should be a link to the post. ~jules
i have had this month before, too. actually, it was from 2003-2008. that which does not kill us makes us stronger, right? hang in there. you are loved, people wait with bated breath to read what you will give us, your crackers are probably not, in fact, gross, and at least no one got hurt. (during my crap half-decade, my son’s insistence on riding a cart after being repeatedly told not to ended up with a trip to the ER so his hand could be x-rayed and the fingernail that had been ripped out could be moderately reattached until the nail grew in. that was awesome.)
What happened to your son’s hand happened to my toenail many, many moons ago IN JULY. But you have me beat w/ the half decade of bad months! ~jules
Comments, and they aren’t even my own! ;) I’ll go ahead and respond in the actual comments like the other day.
Lol! Just last night my twenty-one year old daughter and I were remembering her grocery store escapades ~ including often coming home with bloody fingers from running them on the metal shelves and having the grocery cart fall on top of her.
I had three more kids after her, the youngest is seven ~ so far no more cart accidents.
We had a pretty rough couple of months this past year as well. I am hoping for smoother times for all of us.
I second the request for smoother months! ~jules
This was one of my faves yet:) Loved it!
In stitches! I agree with Miss B., this is one faves. I am making crackers today (white cheddar and kale), I hope my little one likes them.
Oh man, July can suck it and is sucking it over here too. We are bleeding money out our eyes every time we turn around and the kicker? We are going on vacation next week.
Congrats on the FM thing, that’s awesome sauce.
And when I was five, I tipped the cart over and it pinned my little sister. A gigantic glass jar of jelly fell out of the cart and hit her in the face, giving her a shiner and also broke all over the floor. I thought my mom was going to KILL me. I still remember it. Perhaps instead of no parenting skills in the store, you were just making memories. :)
Hang in there. We all love you, so don’t give up blogging unless you really have to– we’d understand if it came to that…, but we’d miss you desperately and long for your swift return.
As far as dealing with nosy, self-righteous you-know-whats who seem to be watching and waiting like hungry hyenas for an opportunity to pounce every time one of us regular folk makes a wrong move— Well, you’re sweet and proper and I’m not, so… I won’t say it… out loud… or within your earshot.
I worked in grocery retail for years and -believe me- I’ve seen much worse than you described. Don’t sweat it. Stuff happens. I’ve been hugged by parents of children to whom I’ve related gory and warning-filled tales of hair caught in cart wheels, lost fingers, massive head injuries sustained from falling from carts onto freshly waxed linoleum over a concrete sub-floor… You get the idea– I do the dirty work and Mom and Dad don’t look like the bad guy… and then everybody gets a Free Cookie coupon and a balloon from the nice, but dark-humored lady
And I hate July, also. August, too. These two months hold some horrible anniversary dates for me and my family, so we just ignore them and skip right from June to September.
As far as surviving shopping trips with rambunctious children– Do what I do and BRIBE, BRIBE, BRIBE. Don’t beat yourself up– it won’t ruin them– but it might save your sanity and it’s nobody’s business but yours. You have MY blessing, at least. lol. Hugs to you, Jules.
P.S.– I’m making those crackers asap.
Wow! I’m sorry July has sucked, and I hoped August is better. I REALLY have a problem with people who won’t RSVP. And I remember for years when they cause me stress before a party. Which is not exactly a good quality. So, I hope you’re not like me and can have fun at your reunion despite all the rude people. :)
Crackers and a sense of humor! Sorry to laugh at your pain but that was one of the funniest posts I’ve read in a long time! Federated knows what’s good for them!
Those look like yummy cookies, not crackers!! mmmm cheddar. great story Jules – hang in there!
On one hand I want to LAUGH because this. is. so. my. life. with two toddlers but then my heart aches and I feel tears. Hope August is better.
Oh Jules, I am sorry that we are all laughing at your expense, but it’s your fault for being such a good story teller. I am sorry July has sucked a big donkey poop for you. August is just around the corner my friend ;) I am confused though, did your husband lose his job or just that particular contract? At any rate, I hope things turn around for you guys real fast, starting with your high school reunion.
oh and p.s., I too tried to make crackers a month back (whole wheat and cheddar). The crackers took all dang day to make and produced various degrees of gross to good to delicious batches, with only me eating any of them. My kids hardly touched them. I think Cheez-Its may have ruined any hope us moms may ever have of getting our children to eat homemade crackers.
I hope Tiffany lives nearby and takes you out for umbrella drinks and a slice of pie. I’m serious –you need to take a load off before July loads anything else on you. Cheers to an uneventful August!
Andrea #1: You don’t have to worry about me not blogging. I love it too much to stop! :)
Never fear, everyone else! It’s all good fun. If you can’t laugh at it, you’ll only be pulled under. :)
Andrea #2: He lost the contract, which was his only source of commission and the only way for him to get back to the salary he was at before at his previous job.
Tiffany lives in Virginia but is coming into town tomorrow morning! Yahoo!!
Oh, Jules… Your story of the boys in the store reminds me of one involving my little man that got me in a tiffy. And I am so going to try to make those crackers. I’m not a pecan kind of gal, will they taste as good without them you think?
Poor Jules! Hang in there! Sorry I can’t think of anything witty to say to cheer you up, but I’m doing algebra. That will suck the funny right out of a gal, even if she is good at math.
Oh yes, this month has been horrible. I don’t know what it is….but here’s to things looking up! It can’t last forever!
I’m so glad you wrote this. It is making me smile, and soon enough you’ll smile remembering how ridiculous it is.
August 1st, have a glass of wine. Alone.
Damn you evil July!
It did make me chuckle tho..*blushes*
Your kids are the smartest ever. I am always amazed by their brainy ways.
Oh my gosh, Jules, I have never commented on a blog before although yours is one of my favorites to follow, but I just can’t help it… had to write you……
HILARIOUS story, but even if it didn’t feel like it at the time, GREAT ATTITUDE about the whole nasty month of July. Humor helps us power through things, even if you’re wanting to stuff anyone and everyone in an almond bulk bin.
Hang in there… keep writing. Had french fries for dinner and having pancakes tomorrow for breakfast! Go Jules!!!!
This reminds me of the time my 6 year old went shopping with me at the grocery store. I had a mostly empty cart and a very full mocha in the cup holder in the basket area of the cart. I turned away to get something and my son decides to do a wheelie with the cart, thereby turning it into a mocha catapult. Clean up on aisle 11! What can you do after that, but laugh?
Hi, a friend sent me the link to your blog and advised that I would love it because you sounded somewhat like me or vice-versa! I did love your cracker story and love the name of your blog and tag line.
Re: the cracker story, it IS dangerous to hang on a grocery cart. When I was probably 4 or 5 I pulled the grocery cart down on myself by hanging on the bar and it came down and knocked my two front teeth out! Can you imagine how my mother felt with blood and teeth all over the place?
And the cracker recipe sounds delicious!
This. was. fabulous. So well written and I love your sense of humor! I think we’ve all had days like this one, though maybe we all can’t retell it with your abilities.
I came to your blog from Young House Love and have been exploring all over the place. Enjoying your blog!