Mikey was sick last week.� Sick enough to miss his final baseball game of the season.
He was pretty disappointed by this flagrant display of human frailty.� He wrote a note of apology to his teammates and attached it to a leaf (why not?) and then crawled into bed with me for an afternoon of snuggling.
I’m feeling like I can’t make the game, either.� The game being life and not making it meaning how can it possibly be Monday already?� I am just so tired and devoid of energy lately.� Maybe it’s the weather–66 degrees and sprinkling–that has me out of sorts.� At this time during the year we are comfortably in the 80s.� Weird.
What’s even more weird, and probably why I am so tired, is that I am having nightmares.� No matter how many� hours you sleep, you just don’t wake up refreshed and ready to tackle the day after a nightmare.
On Thursday night I couldn’t fall asleep until the early morning of Friday, and in that gray light before dawn I dreamed I was in a war torn city, alone.� Bombs were flying everywhere, forcing me to huddle with a group of strangers underneath the portico of a make-shift hospital.� A sniper came upon us and started tossing� hand grenades that looked like golf balls.� These golf ball bombs kept just missing us, but as the sniper’s aim gained accuracy, I turned to one of the people behind me and said, “Don’t worry.� This is a dream I am having so it won’t actually hit us.”
Of course that’s when it hit me in the back.
I didn’t feel it, or at least it didn’t hurt.� It felt more like a muscle twitching, the way you contract and retract your muscles up and down your spine after someone touches your side the wrong way.
I was afraid to touch my back, but I did.� I noticed with clinical dispassion the rough texture and the blood on my hand.� I’ve heard you don’t feel pain right before dying from grave injuries, and I said as much to the last person to stay with me in the portico.� Everyone else had scattered.
“I think I am dying, but I have two small boys and a husband who need me.� I think I can stand if you will help me inside the hospital.”
I can’t remember the face of the person who helped me, but I remember he blanched when he saw me.
I was able to walk easily enough into the hospital, but when the nurses saw me I knew I was dying.� There were two nurses.� One was young and hopeful, the other battered cold by seeing too many people die.� She was the one who gave the order to put me on the gurney and move me after I died.
I told her I didn’t like her orders, and that I might live if they worked on me a bit.
“I have a lot to live for,” I said.� “Give me a chance.”
“I’m sorry, but your wounds are fatal.� You can’t see them, but they are.� I can send in your son so you can say goodbye.”
And all of a sudden Nicholas was on my stomach, smiling and laughing and patting my face.� I grabbed him so, so tightly.� I couldn’t let go.� I just kept rubbing his legs and arms and memorizing every feature.� I love you. I love you. I love you.� You will remember me, right?� You know how much I love you, don’t you Nicholas? Tell mama you love her and won’t forget her, baby.� Please.� I”m begging you, please.
Then he was gone.� I looked around for him and caught a glance of him outside in The Mister’s arms, walking down the destroyed street with the rest of the city, slowly fleeing whatever it was that was attacking us.
I was tied down in the gurney, or maybe my injuries made it so I couldn’t move.� Either way, I started thrashing and begging the nurses to help me, to at least try.� The older nurse refused.� The younger nurse looked torn; she wanted to try but didn’t want to get in trouble.� I kept pleading my case, telling them over and over again why I deserved to live, to at least have a shot at living.� The idea of leaving the boys filled me with a hysteria I can’t even explain.� It was like crawling in and out of my skin repeatedly and towards the end I just kept screaming that I didn’t want to die.
But the hardened nurse pretended she couldn’t hear me, and when I collapsed from exhaustion on the gurney and closed my eyes so I could formulate another argument in support of saving my life she looked up from bandaging an arm and said, “See what I mean?� She’s already dead.”
I woke up.
Oh, Jules … that’s awful! {though good storytelling–sorry, I just had to note}
I’ve experienced those nightmares before and they’re hard to shake. So I’ll be praying for peace and rest … for blue skies and bright sunshine … for friends to cheer you and a heart that’s made light!
xoxo
How awful. I’ve been there (recurring nightmares as a child), and it’s so hard to shake the sadness when you wake up.
that’s the kind of dream that stays with you for days. sounds like this could be adding to the overall blah feeling. i’ve had dreams where i couldn’t shake the feeling, no matter what was going on around me for the rest of the day. get some extra hugs from those boys and all will be better soon…
on a lighter note, maybe you should start writing that great American novel already!
Oh my gosh! What a vivid and horrible nightmare! The worst is not staying around for your sons. Thank you for making me tear up at work!
Oh man, I can empathize–I had a couple of weeks last year during which I was having nightmares every single night. It culminated with a dream that I actually died, and all I could think was “these are my last words, these are my last words” and white light and then just nothingness. It was so horrifying and awful I was afraid to go to sleep for nearly a month afterwards.
However, they did eventually go away, and I was able to sleep peacefully again. The things that helped me were 1) realizing that the dreams were a result of a major life change (albeit a positive one that brought me a lot of happiness during waking hours), 2) talking about how scary the dreams were which released some of the terror for me, and 3) focusing on positive/happy things before I went to bed (photos of fuzzy bunnies, uplifting news stories, etc, you know).
Just know you aren’t the only one, and things will get better! And tell your family how much you love and appreciate them! :)
and all I could think was �these are my last words, these are my last words� and white light and then just nothingness. “
Holy crap. That has to be the scariest, most inspiring thing I have ever heard in my life. I could write a whole short story based off that sentence.
O_O
That.. not cool. I’ve had those before.. those dreams that you think about all day, and remember in such vivid detail that you almost second guess the fact that it was a dream.
I can still remember mine.
Chills.. Hope that’s your last one for the week.. (and I hope that they aren’t contagious!).
This gave me the chills.
I had an awful nightmare a few years back regarding one of the kids from the preschool I work at.
It was so realistic that I could hear and even smell everything. It still haunts me to this day. In fact when I think about it, I even get a bit sick to my stomach. Dreams can be very powerful and even life-changing experiences.
Chilling. That’s the worst kind of nightmare� much worse than zombies or monsters.
Perhaps a craft day with the boys is in order: dream catchers. Then you can hang them by your bed. This is far more superstitious than I am, but maybe the sweetness of it would seep into your dreamland. ‘Sides, I like to think crafts are the answer to all life’s issues.
sorry you aren’t sleeping well, that is the worst
How horrible and scary!! I need to go have a drink now to bring my heart rate down after reading that. It’s so weird how real dreams can be and how when you wake up, you can’t separate that fear or hatred or whatever it was from reality for a good hour or so. I hope you have restful nightmareless sleep tonight.
Ack–that is awful! I guess sometimes maybe it’s good to have dreams like that to help remind us that things could be gone in an instant and to treasure them. But, one every once in a while is plenty.
I hope you have peaceful, non-nightmarish dreams!
p.s. The note from your son is uber cute. I love cute kid misspellings!
We had the weather last week and while my dreams weren’t THAT gory, they were still disturbing and I didn’t sleep well either. So blame it all on the weather. I did.
This is so terrifying!
I hate nightmares, I often have the same one or just a slight variation of the same thing :(
so sorry for your crazy nightmares – how vivid and terrible. i hope your feeling better soon.
I’m so sorry – that is horrible, but I’d trade you for last weeks nightmare.
My parents were visiting, and I was eating breakfast with them and my 5 year old after taking my Sarah to the elementary school. In this dream I could see the school from my dining room through the living room picture window. It was a grey rainy day, and suddenly the sirens went on and I watched as a huge tornado swooped behind the school and tore apart the main building. I screamed and felt so helpless and heartsick. I kept my eye on the intact library/gym/music room praying and hoping she was in one of those classes at the moment, wondering if other parents were watching this horror, thankful my oldest attends a different school, wanting to run out and find Sarah while thinking I needed to get my parents & youngest down to the basement – all while the funnel was still tearing the main building to bits.
Then I woke up. I still haven’t told anyone, it was too too real. Not sure what to make of the fact that we recently made an offer on a house a block from the school but didn’t get the house. But I am definitely sneaking Sarah some extra hugs and smooches.
I hope you have a peaceful night, and soon.
Wow Jules. I’m sorry. That kind of dream most likely canNOT lead to a good night’s rest. :( I hope you get better sleep soon…
Holy moly, that was an insane nightmare but such detail, even your nightmares are creative. I vote for a family vacation:)
I just followed you here from Wardeh’s place and this post caught my eye. When my 3.5 year old was born C section my heart stopped and I was clinically dead twice that day. Each time I knew I was dying before it happened but I was unable to communicate with them because of the anesthesia.
I had a 3 year old at home and a brand new baby and I felt exactly like you did. I couldn’t die while I had these small kids who needed a mother and I couldn’t desert my husband or leave him with that burden.
I knew they weren’t able to help me since I couldn’t let them know I needed help until all the monitors started going off what seemed like an eternity later.
I fought with every ounce of strength I had. It felt like a dream too.
It’s amazing that you remember this dream so clearly because I have only fuzzy memories of mine. I’m glad you wrote it down. I’m also grateful you had the chance to experience something like this because it’s the kind of thing that makes you realize just what you have in life and to cherish each moment. Even the tantrums and poopy bottom ones.
Boys are the best-cherish every single little stinkin’ single moment. My boys are 21 months apart and the oldest heads off to college in August. When did that happen!
jana
The leaf is priceless!