I aced my typing class in high school.� I had perfect positioning, my hands cupped over the typewriter with the confidence of someone able to hold imaginary ping-pong balls with the youthful pads of their palms.� One day, after a particularly artful display of clerical wizardry, my teacher, Mrs. McGuire, approached me.
“You know,” she said, her gravely voice reaching down to me from her imposing 5’11 frame, “you have a real talent for typing.� You should consider a career as a secretary.”
I am hard pressed to cite a group more encouraging, more filled with hope for the future, than high school teachers.
But Mrs. McGuire did have a point.� I’ve always had dexterous hands.� I am good at putting things together and taking them apart.� I am the mom you want when your shoelaces are impossibly knotted and you are running late for school.� I played the piano (and the constant practicing, recitals, and rigmarole that entails) for eleven years, until I took up competitive tennis and developed callouses on my palms so thick I could stick pins in them without feeling a thing.
I say all this not to brag, but to justify how I can palm a basketball with my monstrous paws.� It’s true; I have hands larger than many men.� My fingers, stretched long from years of piano and prodigal typing ability, extend knuckles past the dainty tips of the women I know.� Likewise, my palms are larger than average, a fact I used to my advantage every time a nutritionist told me to use my palm to determine portion size.� My friend, Tiffany, not one to miss a freakish characteristic on the body of another, once noted that my fingers reminded her of E.T. “Every time you point I expect the tip of your finger to light up.”
At least they aren’t man hands.� They are feminine in shape and almost graceful in appearance when manicured, which I admit is never.� But, still, graceful or not, their size comes at a price, and that price is bangles and bracelets.
I have an alumni event tonight.� The type of event where you show up over dressed in hopes people will believe you dress like that normally.� What, this old thing? I used to wear this during finals, don’t you remember? The type of event where you lie about what you do and how much you make, knowing the person you are talking to is doing exactly the same. The type of event where a nice set of bangles would complement my black cowl neck top nicely.
But it is not meant to be, me and bangles.� Knowing my tendency for circus like proportions, I headed over to Lane Bryant and found exactly what I wanted: silver, but not shiny, simple enough to wear with any number of outfits, and under $20.
Unfortunately, the set was too big.� No sooner did I put them on and drop my hand did all seven bangles slide down and off my wrists into a tinkling pile on the floor.� The same thing happened with every other set I tried.
Aha!� I’ve lost so much weight that my palms and wrists have shrunk to a normal size, meaning I can now wear bangles like everyone else!� Not so much.� I went to 5 different “regular” stores and a few national chains, and while I could slide on the bangles, I couldn’t take them off without grimacing and grunting, causing Mikey to ask me more than once if I had a tummy ache.� “No, Mikey,” I gasped as I ripped off a bangle with a sharp edge, “Mama just has hands like an orangutan.”
I am laughing so hard right now.
But am a bit disappointed there aren’t photos to back up your claims. I demand evidence of said palming of basketballs.
Thanks in advance.
I love it – you should consider a career as a secretary. Ha! What a confidence builder
I have the same problem with bracelets – and don’t get me started on headbands…
Judy—YES. I have a total Charlie Brown head, too. It’s ENORMOUS. Le sigh.
Ladies, I can’t get bangles to fit, hats to fit (including men’s), and all of my headbands and sunglasses always stretch out. Forget trying on cute hats for women…
I do have the most incredible coral colored beach hat to match the bikini I bought to wear it with. It cost entirely too much money… All in hope that it would motivate me to lose the weight to wear it. Needless to say, it still is in my “For When I’m Skinny” box(es) under my bed.
The problem with bangles is I can’t put them on because though I am skinny, I think my bones are just too large. Maybe bangles just aren’t friends with either of us.
For some reason this reminds me of an episode of No Reservations (Anthony Bourdain) where Anthony was comparing the super sized sandwich he was eating to the hands of Giada De Laurentiis. I never realized what big hands she had, nor how [funny] mean Anthony can be.
Great job on your weight loss!
Okay, now I want to see Giada De Laurentiis’ hands. I know they are always nicely manicured…now I know why! She’s hiding orangutan hands.
Giada does have large hands, and her head is rather large, too. I wonder if there is a connection. I have super large, gargantuan hands, and my hat size is bigger than my husband’s! I feel your bangle pain.
Have you noticed since your weight loss that your rings are getting looser? After I lost 45 pounds last year, my rings got loose. the issue is that on my very large hands, the knuckles are huge, too. So, even though the rings are loose, if I sized them to fit, I wouldn’t get them past my knuckles. Sigh…
But, at least I can play piano!
You know, Giada does have a bobble head. I wonder if there is a connection? My rings are much loser (they spin around now) but you’re right about the knuckles. The problem with me and bangles/bracelets is getting them past the major knuckles (those at the base of my fingers). I swear I could knock out a drunk sailor with them.
We should have a MAN HANDS support group. We can all be on the lookout for bracelets and gloves that just might fit. My husband once told me I have big “mitts”. I never laughed (and cried) so much in my entire life. When I put on eyeliner, I can hide my entire face behind the palm of my hand. They are HUGE. But, I find solace in my 8″ heart tag Tiffany bracelet. It goes on with a clasp. It makes me feel better and adorns my wrist every day. Mostly cause nothing else will fit. Thank you, Tiffany & Co. for making me feel better!!!
Heidi, I’m wiping the tears from my eyes right now. That was damn funny.
you can palm a basket ball? Dang. I am impressed.
My husband loves the man hands episode. He thinks it is hilarious.
Mine are no better, but in a different way. I have skinny hands with bony knuckles; essentially the hands of an 85 year old woman. I asked my brother if he thought they looked like bird claws and he said “I would say yes, but I’m afraid you’ll scratch my eyes out.”
HAHA! I need to write about freakish body parts more often. You guys are cracking up me and The Mister. :)
Must feel good to know you’ve lost so much weight that the bracelets slip off! The ones you posted are gorgeous, though I’m more a gold gal. Hope you have a fabulous time at your event. :)
Yes, Jules! Write about freakish body parts more often. I especially like when you discuss your “watercraft sized breasts” That just absolutely cracks me up! This was a great post! You know, unless you’re 5’2″ and weigh 112 lbs soaking wet, wouldn’t tiny little hands look kind of silly on you?
I used to get teased about having “big feet”-I wear and have worn since junior high size 8 1/2 shoes. But, like I tell people, I’m 5′ 7″ tall! Wouldn’t I look silly in a size 5 shoe??? Duh. And I’d fall over and hit my face constantly! :) So, here’s to proportionate body sizes…lady like be damned!
Have fun at your “event”—with or without bangles. Which have entirely too much jingle jangle for me personally!
Hooray for women with large hands and heads. Despite the challenges of finding hats that fit and wearing men’s winter gloves because the women’s XL size of a cashmere lined glove is indeed a JOKE, life isn’t so bad. We need somewhere to store our ginormous brains, don’t we? And it’s nice to know we have the upper “hand” in a pickup game, hahahaa.
For the record, my hand is 7.25″ from wrist to the tip of my middle finger, I think I qualify for MAN HANDS group membership!
Vanessa–those are my exact measurements. Welcome to the club! Um, congrats?
Haha, thanks! With such an obligatory bestowance of membership, how can I say no!
Don’t get me started about membership in the CLOWN SHOE SOCIETY…
I have basketball-palming hands too!