They were supposed to be cookies, a quick and dirty way for me to use up an overripe banana while the chicken finished roasting in the oven.  They were also my key to ten minutes of quite.  Nicholas had been begging me for another cookie, gummy or “ga-rola” bar.  He didn’t care which, really, so long as it was sweet and filled his stomach before dinner.

“If you go play with Mikey for ten minutes, I will make you both cookies.”  He went and played with Mikey, but for no more than three minutes.

I decided on the Banana-Maple Oatmeal Cookies by Susan of Fat Free Vegan and adapted the recipe to accommodate my bare cupboards.  The chia seeds I replaced with one egg, the lemon juice with apple cider vinegar, and the white wheat flour with whole wheat pastry flower.  I didn’t have enough maple syrup.

The pastry flour was the death knell.  I remember reading somewhere that you should decrease the amount of regular flour by a tablespoon or two when you substitute it for pastry flour.  Working in reverse, I decided to increase the amount of pastry flour in the recipe by two tablespoons, which somehow turned into 1/2 cup.  The recipe said to avoid overworking the dough, but I beat it with the strength of a thousand men.  I never did make up for that missing maple syrup.  Oops.

Before we sat down to dinner I dropped the cookies on the silpat and tossed them into the oven.  They emerged 10 minutes later looking the same only darker, as if they had just returned from a week-long vacation in Cancun.    I touched one gingerly and found it very, very hard.

They were supposed to be cookies, but these weren’t cookies.  Doorstops, sandbags, pucks, bricks, discs, patties, heels, blocks, ingots, and maybe even stones.  But not cookies.

Stones.

“Maaaamaaa!  Is it time for cookies now?”

Stones.

“We ate all our dinner!”

Stones.  Stones?  Stones!

“Uh, I changed my mind about the cookies.”  This I said while I slathered them in butter and drizzled honey over the top.

I returned to the table with two plates of scones.

“Mama, what are scones?”

“Granola bars.”

Ten seconds later, Nicholas pronounced them delicious ga-rola bars.  He choked and threw up the second one, but I took it as a compliment.

You should always substitute your ingredients precisely.  If you don’t have enough of a wet ingredient, be sure to add moisture any way you can.  Don’t ever overwork your dough and add enough maple syrup.  But even if you don’t heed this advice it’s okay.  There isn’t a poorly baked item a solid marketing plan can’t repair.

They’re here!

But, I don’t know about these guys.  They aren’t lined (I knew they weren’t) and despite knowing how much of a pet peeve unlined curtains are for me, I still bought them.  And, yet, knowing they weren’t lined and consciously making the decision to buy them regardless, I still groused about the fact they weren’t lined ten seconds after they were up.

Also, you have no idea how I pleased I am that an opportunity to use the word “grouse” has all but fallen in my lap.  It beats the word “grumble” by ten, at least.

So, the curtains.  They aren’t lined.  And is the silk too twee?  Too formal against all that rough and tumble stone?  I’m not too worried about how they hang.  They’ll look better once I iron and then train them properly.  They are hanging on double rods, so I can always put sheers behind them.  Plus, I was thinking of hanging some bamboo matchstick blinds for more texture.  (Can you tell I am now paranoid about having enough texture?  I’m about ready to glue-gun a cotton ball installation on the south wall.)

Silk?  Canvas/burlap/linen/velvet?

I repeat: good a good decorator/designer is worth their weight in gold.

A good interior decorator or designer is worth their weight in gold.  The amount I have spent in paint, paint samples, curtains, furniture, and God knows what else would easily cover their professional fee along with a few core pieces for the house.

Last week I spent over $40 in paint samples.  I tested nearly every color I posted about last week plus a few more.  (All this because Sisal, the awesome color Maria recommended, is unavailable thanks to The Home Depot no longer selling the Ralph Lauren line.  I could have color matched it, but that’s too simple a solution, isn’t it?)  Some of the paint colors I tried were okay, some were unspeakably bad.  But, even the ones that were okay didn’t look any better than what I already have on the wall.  So, guess what?  I’m not painting the walls.  I’m leaving them as is (Devonshire by Ralph Lauren) and am embracing the fireplace.  More on that in a minute.

I find it funny that an over-educated book worm like me can know so little about design.  Even worse, most of the time I don’t even know what I don’t know.  I was chatting with Seleta last week about how flat a pale color scheme looks in my home.  I would love a tone on tone room, but it seems so cold and stark; I can’t figure out how the rest of blog land makes it look so darn welcoming and warm.  Seleta, a designer, was kind enough to point out the obvious.  My fireplace is large; it commands most of one wall.  One wall of rough, natural, boulders in shades of gold, copper, caramel, butterscotch, plum (!), and lavender (!!).  In order to make the fireplace work in a room with a pale or tone on tone color scheme, I need to add incredible amounts of texture to balance all the texture in the fireplace.

Well, duh.  Now that she puts it that way.  Oh well, it’s a boring day the day you don’t learn something new, right?

Which brings me to Plan G for the living room.  (Note that plans B-F wouldn’t have happened with a designer.)  The walls stay as is.  The fireplace becomes the star, diva that it is.  No longer will I try to beat it into submission with bold curtains or deep wall colors.  Instead, I went ahead and bought new curtains in antique gold from Overstock that should take the colors of the fireplace all around the room.  Hold me.

I bought the curtains sight unseen, obviously, so I am a little nervous.  I am fairly confident it will look fine after placing one of my silk curtains from the den/toyroom up next to the fireplace as a test run.  That’s what you see in the picture above, and I don’t find it objectionable, do you?  Speaking of objections, I know I give my fireplace a hard time (it is a bear for a novice to decorate around) but look at those stones and the variations of color.  Isn’t it just amazing the beauty nature can produce?

Just a word of precaution–if you at all value your time, don’t use the Sherwin Williams Color Visualizer.  It’s a rabbit hole of paint, people.  Five hours later you will look at the clock in disbelief.  (Then you’ll go back to playing with paint.)  But, if you decide to ignore my advice, you may want to use my technique and leave small strips of original wall paint visible.  I tested out some colors that ended up not looking much different from what I have on the wall, even though the little chip on the fan deck made me think they were worlds apart in terms of hue and undertone.

For my sister in law, most of the dark colors appear olive on her end.  That’s a monitor issue because in real life the paint chips are all different and, with the exception of Superior Bronze, none of them are remotely olive.  Kind of a bummer, since I would have valued her opinion.  Do you see a difference in the colors?  Which are your favorites?  You can say none of the above! Trust me, I have many, many more paint colors to play with.

Sherwin Williams, Porpoise

Sherwin Williams, Sable

Sherwin Williams, Superior Bronze

Sherwin Williams, Virtual Taupe

Sherwin Williams, Warm Stone

Sherwin Williams, Tony Taupe

Sherwin Williams, Natural Choice

Sherwin Williams, Rice  Grain

Sherwin Williams, Wool Skein

[For those of you who don't read on the weekends, you are in for a treat.  I didn't want to bother the very busy Nicole with my design dilemmas, so I started trying to figure something out on my own, as the following convoluted post details.  She read it and lost consciousness.  When she came to, she started emailing me frantically to save my from myself. I'll update with her plans as they solidify, but until then, can we talk about T.V. usage?  A few of you have already mentioned in the comments that you gave the box the heave-ho a while ago.  How do you feel about T.V.?  Honestly, so long as I have books and blogs in my life, I can take it or leave it.]

Gross.  The living room looked beautiful with all the greenery from Christmas.  Now it looks like a barren sea of knit-knot beige.  Time to remedy this nonsense.  I think it was last spring, maybe summer, when The Mister and I first noticed how our T.V. sat on an alter in the center of our home.  Because of the  mid-century floor plan (which we LOVE), you can see this T.V. from every entrance point in our home.

Front door?  Check.

Kitchen and side door?  Check.

Den/Toyroom?  Check.

Backyard?  Check.

Bedrooms? Check.

FRONT PORCH?  Check, for Pete’s sake!  Check.

What is sad about this is that we don’t really watch T.V.  Occasionally there will be a game on The Mister feels obligated to watch (he’s grumbling things don’t look good for Dallas as I type this), but that is only very occasionally.  I can safely say I watch about 3-4 hours of T.V. per week, usually less.  There are some late night crime shows we TiVo and MadMen.  The crime shows we don’t even enjoy much anymore; they are something to do together in those quiet hours after the boys are in bed.  I would be content reading, and usually I get bored midway through the program and crack open a book.

This brought us to the crazy decision to cancel our T.V.  For some people this is insanity, but I don’t think it will impact us much.  As far as shows we love, like MadMen, I hear there are ways to see these shows online and then through the magic of cables, cords, and something else, watch them on your T.V. at home.  Plus, the money we save on cable could go to much better use on projects around the home or family activities on the weekend.  We looked into it over the summer, and the right time to cancel our cable is end of January.  The end of January is right on top of us, so a decision is imminent.  One point that has been decided: any T.V. watching (via internet or cable package) will happen in the toyroom/den on a 26″ flat screen currently sitting unused in the office out back.  The huge one we have in the living room we will either sell or store.

The furniture in the living room I can then move to the toyroom-turned-den.  This is a little mockup of what I have planned for the toyroom-turned-den if I can convince The Mister to paint it Polo Green.  I admit it’s woefully incomplete.  The barnwood frames will hold three poster sized, color pictures of the boys and should eliminate the drab look (I hope).  Everything hinges on what color I paint the room.  I want to paint it Polo Green, which The Mister is convinced will look horrible.  I say the white furniture will keep it from looking like a cave, but he is not buying it.  (I’m still looking for the perfect way to house toys and a T.V., and the sofa pictured just one similar to my actual sofa.  Macy*s wasn’t letting me grab the image via polyvore.)  I showed him these fun pictures of a dark room and white furniture and thought the fact I would be keeping in place silk curtains we already have in the room would please his budget conscious/waste hating heart. My mistake was showing him pictures that are feminine and artfully cluttered.  I think his sperm count dropped two thousand points when he saw the dress form in a ruffled apron.  Not my most tactical move, that’s for sure.  (I wonder what it is like to live in a home with feminine touches?  Magical, I imagine.)

But let’s not focus on the den for right now. First thing’s first: the living room pictured at the top of this post.

The color is horrible.  I know a few of you like it and have emailed me for the brand and name (Ralph Lauren Devonshire) but I can’t stand it, mainly because I made the mistake of painting the ceiling the same color thinking I would later install crown moulding.  I contacted Maria from Colour Me Happy (she is ridiculously nice!), and she suggested Ralph Lauren Sisal.  She picked this color with my hulking butterscotch-rock fireplace in mind, which brings me to my main question before I embark on any redecorating.  Imagine this room devoid of furniture and freshly painted.

Would a wall of bookcases (with room to display objets de’art) look odd next to such a huge fireplace?  I don’t want to point to a source and say I want something like this, but not really.  But, well, I want something like this, but not really.  Wrong color (or maybe not?), not enough room for books, and wrong size, but it at least gives you the idea of what I am talking about for the living room wall.

Does that create a competing focal point?

Will it establish a 90° angle of TOO MUCH?

I need display area.  I really need bookshelves.  I thought this large expanse of wall would be the perfect place to solve both issues, and I’d rather be greeted with books and my ceramic collection than a flat screen panel when I enter the room.  Still, a piece like that will have to be custom made (unless anyone knows of something online) and most likely expensive (I thought about Billy’s from IKEA but won’t that look cheap?).  I don’t want to have anything made or buy anything prohibitively expensive and find out months later that it really doesn’t work.  Back in our dual-income days we did that far more often than I care to admit.

Along with the wall of books plus I’m imagining a sectional and gushy ottoman/coffee table to create a library-like atmosphere.

If the bookcase doesn’t work, then we will have to find a way to make it work in the den, which is exactly why I can’t focus on that room just yet.  What I will do in that room hinges on what I can do in the living room.

Okay, that’s it.  Any thoughts?  Cheers to me for achieving step one on my new New Year’s resolution.

My best friend from kindergarten called me just to talk about all the comments from yesterday and today.  We agreed I am quite the lucky cat to have such thoughtful readers.  Then we spent the better part of an hour going over all the comments, laughing at our favorites (King of the Hill) and discussing the great points and differing perspectives everyone contributed.

Speaking of faith, have you seen the Life:Beautiful magazine on the shelves in your area?  Here in California you can find it at JoAnn’s and Barnes and Noble.  I stumbled across it in October while waiting in a very long fabric line at JoAnn’s.  Basically, it’s a Christian lifestyle magazine.  I had never heard of it before and, I must admit, was a little skeptical at first.  I was expecting The Church Lady but, surprise-surprise, got something far more Anthropolo-chic.  The best way to describe it is faith-based Mary Engelbreit.  Sort of.  Remember that magazine?  Like Mary Engelbreit, Life:Beautiful features decor, fashion, cooking, parenting, crafts, etc. with a biblical message throughout.  It’s not for everyone, but neither are Berotoia chairs.

Anyway, I thumbed through it while I waited to pay for the linen I wanted to use for Mikey’s saint costume-turned-Japanese Samurai warrior shift.  I put it down once they called my number and now I regret not buying the issue you see above.  I was trying to be frugal and it bit me in the rumpus because I have spent the last three months trying to find it again.  The quarterly issues are gone almost as soon as they hit the stands and this holiday issue was no exception.  Anyway, the reason I went to four stores (twice) looking for it is because in one of the articles the author discusses the idea of a beautiful, humble home.  Beautiful, as in decorated to suit one’s tastes.  That really gave me pause because as much as I love home decor, I don’t often associate it with humility.  In fact, I always considered the two concepts completely incongruous.  I always imagined the truly humble living like Spartans on the side of a mountain, unconcerned with silly, human desires like window treatments and sectionals.  Little did I know they can buy tables at Macy*s!

You see?  Even GOD wants me to have that table.

I decided to return a few duplicate gifts at Macy*s today, and on the way back I thought about the many things I want to do differently this year.  There are many, but the primary ones involve the house and, funny enough, what we do outside the house.

I want the house to reflect our personalities more.  I think I made a good start with the pink bathroom.  It’s not for everyone, and I think that’s what pleases me about it so much. It is nothing you would see in a model home, or at least I hope not.  Side note: I admit that for a very long time I wanted nothing more than a house that looked like a model home.

This is also the year to have more family adventures on the weekend.  We tend to stay at home, recluses that we are, and Mikey sometimes complains about being bored.  Mikey always complains about being bored and, given his usage, we believe he’s not entirely sure what the words means.  Nevertheless, from this point forward, Mikey will be bored at museums, shows, and other points of interest.

Inspired by my thoughts, I stopped at the supermarket and  bought the LA Times for the Calendar section.  I was hovering briefly in a check-out line, looking at magazines and about ready to move on, when I heard some child-centered commotion.  I looked up to see the woman in line screaming at her oldest son (around 8 years old), complaining that he was hurting his youngest brother (around 4 years old).  The other brother (around 6 years old) was watching the whole scene warily.  Well, the oldest boy didn’t move fast enough and the youngeset boy didn’t stop crying so the mom completely and thoroughly lost her marbles.  She started squeezing and pinching the oldest’s arm with a look on her face that was contorted with rage.  Again and again and again she pinched and pulled and growled obscenities at him, spittle flying from her lips.  She never comforted the youngest son.

I decided right then I wasn’t going anywhere.  I got close enough to make my presence known and stared directly at her profile, challenging her to look at me.  She didn’t.  She was too busy insulting and pinching her children, but not enough where a call to the police would do anything more than enrage her more.  Still, I know she was aware of my stare and that of the checker, as well.  She ignored both of us, paying for her items in between insults and pinches and pulls. If she treats them like that in public, you can only imagine how she is like when no one is looking.

It was upsetting and reminded me of everything I hated about practicing family law.

I came home, made lunch for the family, and started wandering around the kitchen while I waited for everything to finish cooking.  While I paced, I fantasized about giving that woman a piece of my mind.  In my fantasy I was thinner and could do a mean roundhouse kick, which I used to send her flying into an end-cap display of Campbell’s soup.

…………………

I just finished lunch, and despite the power I put into crunching my three taquitos and brown rice, I am still thinking about those boys and their crazy mother.  A diversion is imminent.

…………………

I found my diversion.  My returns at Macy’s netted me a $150 gift certificate.  In the spirit of this year’s goal to reveal more of myself with my home, I decided to disclose something at Macy*s I love but, before today, would never admit to online.  Let’s just say I never saw it featured on any popular design blogs.

I love this table.  There.  I said it.  I have loved this dining room set for well over a year, closer to two.  In fact, Nicole, do you remember when you were pregnant and complaining about your suddenly whimsical taste in design and I told you it only gets worse because I was in love with a table I refused to show you?  This is that table.  I even dragged The Mister to Ontario to see it in person last year, convinced seeing it in real ife would get it out of my system.  Nope!  I love it even more.  I’ve only shown it to one person other than The Mister, and that was one of my sister-in-laws.  She was aghast when she saw the chairs.  I believe she said, “That’s a whole lot of Queen Anne.”

I know what you are thinking and, yes, that is hand-painted detailing you see on the chairs.  And on the base.  And on the table top!  Smack my ass and call me Grandma Ruth, I don’t care.  It makes me love my little cabriole-legged wonder even more.

So, there you have it.  The disclosure of a different kind of abuse, an affront to design aficionados everywhere.  Do you hate it?  Are you shocked?  I warn you–I will not be talked out of loving this dining set.  It’s me and faux 18th century British decorate arts, now and forever.

You are welcome to post a link to something awful you love online, too.  I assure you it’s quite cathartic.