I threw my back out the day of the Mercy Watson party. It wasn’t the kneeling on the floor making the poster, or hovering over the kids while they worked on their origami pigs that did it. It wasn’t even hours later as I stood in a Compassion International exhibit with the family as part of Mikey’s birthday celebration, though by that point I was shifting from foot to foot and stretching my back. It was when we got home and I took off my bra.
Turn, twist, slide and huh. That hurts.
My back still hurts, although the pain going down my legs is almost gone. I think it would be better if I wasn’t cleaning and preparing the classrooms (and library) for summer cleaning. Lots of bending over, lots of moving piles, lots of movement I should be avoiding. I’m there through Tuesday, and then I’m off for the rest of the summer. I can’t wait.
I haven’t been to a doctor–yet. I’m waiting to see if my backache magically disappears when the stress I’ve be hiding disappears as well. In the last month I experienced my first school drama. It’s a very long story, but the gist is that we may have new leadership next year. One of my best friend’s had her marriage convalidated, and as the matron of honor I had to find a dress and be in pictures. I know, not stressful for the majority of the world, but being “almost” the center of attention and posing for pictures is, possibly, my least favorite thing ever. Last week the woman who was my mentor for volunteering died after hard-fought battle with cancer. She was two years older than me.
To be sure, stress goes on, but the overriding feeling of panic is starting to fade. I’m hoping the back pain fades with the stress.
I also haven’t gone to the doctor because I feel I’m in the boat I’m in because I have to lose weight and exercise. I’ve gained so much weight in my three years at the school! I’ve also stopped exercising. I feel ungainly and my clothing doesn’t fit.
I also feel it’s time to research breast reductions. This isn’t something I take lightly, but it’s time. My back hurts. My neck hurts. My shoulders hurt. It’s difficult to find shirts and wearing something with buttons is out of the question.
Weight loss, exercise, and (maybe) surgery. That’s what I see in my future. Now I have to decide how to reach my goals.
For the last few months, I’ve been reading every book I can get my hands on about dieting and health. I researched studies and looked at outcomes. I watched lectures and listened to experts and, sadly, everything I have read and heard confirms what I wrote about years ago: diets don’t work. God, I wish they did. I won’t be doing paleo or Whole30 or Weight Watchers or anything with a doctrine. God, I wish I could. But then, doing that for most of my life is part of what got me in the mess I’m in now.
The latests books I’m reading on avoiding diets stress the importance of accountability. This is a relief for me. I believe diets don’t work, but some books stop there and don’t tell you what to do next. The books I’m reading now encourage calorie tracking and food logging for at least a few months so that I can get a feel for when and where I’m going wrong–because I am doing something wrong. I’m not listening to and/or ignoring hunger cues, I’m eating for the wrong reasons, and I’m doing both to the detriment of my health. Case in point: I love, love, love healthy food. Fruits, vegetables, SALADS…but I skip them because they seem like a lot of trouble. It’s easier to just grab a coffee from Starbucks or fries from the cafeteria.
Researchers espouse a “crowding out” eating plan, where you try to meet your nutritional requirements before you dive headfirst into the ice cream. I like this. I have always been one to find comfort in order and expectations.
Weight loss and exercise, but not too much. That’s what I see in my summer. The surgery will have to wait until I get a handle on the first two. Feel free to cheer me on. π
UPDATE: I used to be a member of My Fitness Pal, and now I’m back! My username their is RosyPaige. (No clue why–all my usual usernames must have been taken.)
p.s. I’m currently looking for apps that help me track calories, activity, and glycemic index, if possible.
p.s.s. I feel this video is necessary to end on a positive note, because I know this post sounds a little gloomy. Two words: Alan Thicke.