The Kugelmass Episode, Woody Allen

Kugelmass was bald and hairy as a bear, but he had soul.

“I need to meet a new woman,” he went on. “I need to have an affair. I may not look the part, but I’m a man who needs romance. I need softness, I need flirtation. I’m not getting younger, so before it’s too late I want to make love in Venice, trade quips at ’21,’ and exchange coy glances over red wine and candlelight. You see what I’m saying?”

Dr. Mandel shifted in his chair and said, “An affair will solve nothing. You’re so unrealistic. Your problems run much deeper.”

“And also this affair must be discreet,” Kugelmass continued. “I can’t afford a second divorce. Daphne would really sock it to me.”

“Mr. Kugelmass–”

“But it can’t be anyone on the faculty at City College, because Daphne also works there. Not that anyone on the faculty at C.C.N.Y is any great shakes, but some of those coeds…”

“Mr. Kugelmass–”

“Help me. I had a dream last night. I was skipping through a meadow holding a picnic basket and the basket was marked ‘Options.’ And then I saw there was a hole in the basket.

Excerpt, The Kugelmass Episode by Woody Allen. Available to read online here.

Learn more about Compositions here, and read all the Compositions in the series here.

Jules Kendall writes about books, family, and easygoing simplicity.


  1. Conny W says

    Sometimes I forget how much I like Woody Allen’s characters – even while annoying at times. :>) Thanks for the reminder. Cheers~

  2. says

    I adore Woody Allen! One of my favorite scene ever is him as Virgil in ‘Take the Money and Run': “I have a gub. Abt natural.” Hilarity ensures.

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