I was a mediocre tennis player in high school. I often choked under pressure and didn’t relish competition. I had no desire to play tennis in college and went to a small private high school. We competed in a bottom tier league full of similarly talented players. I played during the offseason to keep my skills up and progress in rank, but I had no desire for state or regional glory. The balance sheet in my head told me the added stress and commitment wasn’t worth it if I didn’t plan to play competitively in the future. Whether this was my INTJ personality formulating excuses to appease my perfectionism and avoid the risk of failure is up for debate. Without a doubt, it’s possible. All I know is that I had fun. I made my teammates laugh, and they gave me the most inspirational/team spirit award at the end of the season. I turned bright red and made a self-deprecating joke as I reached for my plastic trophy.
At some point, I joined the Spanish Club, though I don’t recall attending any meetings except for the one where we took a group picture for the yearbook. In the photo, my hair is a gigantic curly mess, and I’m wearing an ugly patchwork sweater that, at the time, was the height of fashion. I didn’t participate in any other activities that I can recall.
My grades were okay, especially in English Language Arts. My SAT scores were strong, but nothing extraordinary. I know I did far better in English and writing than in math. I don’t remember details, but this was a long time ago. For me, looking back on high school is like staring into a foggy mirror. I know I’m in there, but it’s all a blur.
I read a lot, far more than my peers. I skipped most parties but listened to music and made mixed tapes. I went to the movies and hung out at the mall. I worked on my tan and laid out by the pool. I traveled with my family for two weeks every August. I was timid and introverted, but overall I was a typical teenager. I graduated (middle of the pack?) and went to an excellent university.
Today I wouldn’t fare as well. I know this because we recently had a telephone call with a college coach, something we hadn’t considered until we heard it was part of my husband’s benefits package. When a friend asked me how it went, all I could say was that it was everything we feared but didn’t want to contemplate.
My favorite parenting book of all time is Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne. It’s my standard baby shower gift, and I recommend it to any parent willing to listen to me talk about slowing down. That book changed me. The college process is asking me to pluck my favorite book off the shelf and light it on fire.
We are late to the college process. We should have started in middle school. We should be working off a plan and creating an identity package and thinking strategically. It’s not enough to have good grades or be a good kid. Teenagers today need to invent Google 2.0 or swim backstroke while playing the violin at the Olympics. Mikey plays clarinet, and we don’t have a pool.
Right here. Right here at this sentence, at this painfully restrained string of words, is where I should stop writing. I should turn off my computer and read a book or listen to music or create a Spotify playlist since mixed tapes don’t exist, and all the malls are closed. Instead, I will sit here and ask the internet if anyone else wonders what we are doing to our kids.
I know good, smart kids who didn’t get into the colleges of their choice–and they weren’t aiming exceptionally high. To be fair, I also know good, smart kids who played the game and got into fantastic schools. The college coach told Mikey that while he appreciated his humble attitude as a character trait, it wasn’t going to get him into college. “You need to sell yourself, really make yourself stand out. Don’t forget; you’re competing against the OC kids. Colleges need to believe you’re special.”
He is special, they all are, but that argument won’t get anyone into college.
You spend your time as a parent regretting the past or worrying about the future. Occasionally, you get to do both. Should we have pushed the extra-curricular activities? I knew I should have sent him to that fancy science camp! What if he doesn’t like his chosen major? Fifteen is too young to know what you want to do for the rest of your life! Years ago, I got off the roller coaster. I didn’t think to worry about the people still willing to ride or that the barker was on the admissions committee.
I am confident both my sons will be fine. They’ll graduate from great colleges and have great jobs and become great people. But a part of me is sad; they may not ever have the opportunity to be okay with good. They may not want to take a class just because it sounds interesting, or read a book without linking it to their Goodreads account as proof, or make a playlist with their favorite songs because everything is traceable! What would the UC system think if they knew that in 2011 they were really into Minecraft parody songs? It would not do. It simply would not do!
What a blessing it was to be a typical teenager, growing up anonymously with books and music and a thoroughly mediocre tennis game.
Take comfort in the fact that NOBODY cares where you went to college after you’ve graduated. Even employers care more about internships, co-ops, and practical experience more than where you think it’s important to go into debt to get an education. Spoiler alert: Lots of “ meh” people will graduate and be very successful no matter where they go to school. Some will be successful without even going to college at all!! The debt (and stress/pressure) is NOT worth it… community college is fine and cheaper and will most likely end you up in the same place. Also, less “popular “ universities like to give away more scholarship money than the more competitive ones;) No college can stop a child with ambition or succeed one without it. Stick to your guns and don’t compromise your child’s mental health. The goal should be a happy and contributing child to society… not a hot mess who feels pressure to succeed no matter the cost. Sorry for the rant but my husband and I just graduated our 3rd child with 1 currently in college and another going in the fall. They all have gotten good jobs and have no debt (except for one, whose debt is manageable) they can even live at home and not spend another $10K on housing. The “college experience” is a dark and unholy world. Best of luck to you!
Thank you so much! I have such fond memories of college and law school. I don’t see that in a lot of kids these days, but as you said, it’s a dark and unholy world. By the time they get there, they’re already exhausted or looking on to the next box they have to tick.
Gaaaaah. This drives me bonkers. Just like you I loved Simplicity Parenting. I love the quirky teens my littles have turned into and I cannot stand how many times I’ve heard someone say “That would look good on a college application.” Our oldest just finished their first year in college and we have two will be seniors this fall. I can’t tell you how many times I have told them how my college essay was written in pen and was maybe a total of three sentences??!! So, I don’t know what we are doing to our kids, but I don’t like it and I keep telling myself it won’t matter if they go to a smaller liberal arts college. I know for sure that my college years were some of the best years of my life and more than anything I want them to develop lifelong friendships. Keeping my fingers crossed they find a good fit (although the world we are living in is bonkers and who knows what college will actually look like in the next few years).
I have great memories of college and beyond, as well. I want that for my sons! I’m okay with them attending out of state colleges at this point. Is this a California thing, or is this everywhere across the US?
Hi Jules,
I am a long-time reader, and I believe in the awesomeness of your children. I cannot speak to what the other commenters have said, but…I am a university professor. If your children (either) are interested in STEM/Medicine, I can say that building a network of people you know is very helpful. I would think for any field, but can only speak for mine. Feel free to reach out if you would like any help in curating that network.
Thank you, Brandi!
We just did the college thing. My kid has anxiety and perfectionism OCD, her grades have steadily dropped in high school (though she’s a smart kid and a good student, they are no longer straight a’s) and she’s done ZERO extra curriculars, other than going to an arts high school. She applied to a variety of schools from public to high reach, with an emphasis on the small liberal arts. She got into all but the super reach and received a ton of money. I was astonished at how well it went. We visited 2 schools last summer (the summer before her senior year) and never spent a ton of time talking or thinking about it because it caused too much anxiety. So, I think there are a number of ways into this process and it’s ok not to stress. Especially right now, the college landscape is going to change quite a bit during our kids time in school.
This is fantastic news! Congratulations! I think you just announced college for her a week or two ago, right?
Ugh. I’m so sad about the pressure put on kids these days and it starts at such a young age. We’re hoping to avoid some of that through homeschooling but now I have to work to make sure the stress doesn’t come to her through me! Because I’m still reading about all of the expectations and trying not to compare to other kids.
Simplicity Parenting has been sitting on my amazon wishlist for ages. I should order it this week.
I’m interested to see how the college landscape changes by the time my kid gets there. As of now, she would qualify for tuition waived from any UC/CSU because my husband is a disabled vet. Now i just gotta not screw her up by homeschooling so she can get accepted by one.
Buy Simplicity Parenting! Just be ready to live a different lifestyle (especially when compared to the rest of SoCal) and be prepared to question yourself when college comes. That is so wonderful about her college education. Perhaps not the reason why, but the opportunity.
My 20 year old daughter has the word “Labryinth” tattooed on her arm.
She read Paper Towns, by John Green, years ago; one of the characters in that books talks about how we grow up, have kids and basically foist our whole past systems onto them. We need the good house in the suburbs so they can go to the good k-12 school and they can get into the right college and have the great ( lucrative ) job so that the can buy a house in the good suburb and send their kids to a good k-12….
I have five kids, one still living at home, and they have all taken different paths from each other but I think they are all trying to create new ways out of the labyrinth.
I’m hoping that all of this health and financial turmoil will help some people to see that there are alternative ways to live.
This is by no means a judgement!! I’ve never quite fit ( I am on the Autism Spectrum – didn’t know that before I had kids! ) and have always had to look for alternative ways of doing things and I’m actually glad for it.
“I’m hoping that all of this health and financial turmoil will help some people to see that there are alternative ways to live.” I couldn’t agree more. Also, thanks for reminding me that I have an entire collection of John Green novels to share with the boys. :)
Good to have your musing back, Jules. I f I could write, I’d want to write like you. Thanks.
Thank you. That’s very kind of you to say. {blush}
The pressure that gets put on high school kids is just wild, and it sounds like your kids are experiencing much worse than I did way back in the early 2000s. I can’t believe the pressure looking back because so few of us actually ended up where we thought we should start at 18! I graduated from university 10 years after graduating from highschool, with a college diploma and a career change in between so I’m very wary of putting pressure on to get it exactly right, right out of the gate. I think as long as “kids” are taking positive steps forward, whatever those are, they are likely to make it through just fine.
It’s wild to me that we are starting late by thinking of college in his sophomore year. It is believed that the college track should begin in middle school. That is outrageous. What 11 years old truly knows what they want to be when they grow up? There are so many career paths they don’t even know exist. I work at a school and see career day every year: it’s all doctors, lawyers, cops, and firemen.
My kid is fortunate to go to a K-12 private school. They held a “what do elementary school parents need to know about college” session and I was mortified by the idea, but because of morbid curiosity, I went. The plot summary – nothing. You don’t need to be worrying about college in elementary school (and you don’t have to have a plan in middle school either). High school and college students are experiencing unprecedented levels of stress, anxiety and worse (confirmed by friends who serve in university administration). There are LOTS of great colleges out there and kids need to have the freedom to pick the one best suited to their personality and preference (which may not be the school highest ranked on some BS list). Access to a college coach is wonderful, but it is also in that coach’s interest to convince you that you need him/her. It kind of reminds me of friends walking into a bridal shop and being told they should have started shopping and planning months ago – some how they all found a dress and got married! Like others have said, as someone who has loved your writing and watched snapshots from afar, you have really good kids and they will land somewhere that suits them.
I’m not there yet, but Violet is already feeling the pressure. She told me that she’s terrified to go on to high school because if she gets a B, it will go on her permanent record. She’s in 7th grade. I will take responsibility for a lot she did not learn this crap from me (and definitely not her dad). I really hope that one of the bright sides to come out of COVID-19 is our endless push, push, push, go, go, go, do, do, do.
*is an end to our endless
(One of these days I’ll slow down enough to edit BEFORE I hit post.)
There is a college for everyone and kids can excel no matter where they go. Sure some top schools might give you a bump for your first job, but it’s really about work ethic after that. Some of the most successful people I know went to the biggest party school in our state….the one that is not hard to gain admission to. Again, it’s all in how you apply yourself. I have one child who just graduated from college and one entering Junior year in college. They both attend(ed) our state school and we were psyched the tuition level was considerably lower than private. I would suggest that the area someone attends school in has more impact long term than the actual school. Meaning, where do they want to work and live when they graduate? It is easier to tap into alumnae connections for jobs when you are near where the school is. If you go to school across the country, then that is probably where you will usually find your internships, jobs etc. If you decide to come back home after graduation those alumnae or University connections may not be so readily available. All of this really may not matter in the long run but could impact finding that “first” job. College was some of the best times of my life. I want my kids to look back and say the same thing. Good luck with all of it. It’s easy to get swept up in the hysteria but do your best not to. It truly does usually work out in the end.