I never imagined Mikey as a sixth�grade boy. I imagined him as a sixth�grader, of course, which to me meant brilliant, with�lots of friends and impeccable behavior displayed while doing many�Catholic good deeds. That is not�a 6th grade boy. (Turns out it’s not a sixth grader either.)
Mikey is a sixth�grade boy, and let me tell you about sixth�grade boys. Sixth�grade boys forget to bring work home. They forget due dates. They mismanage free time at school. They make assumptions. They don’t ask questions. Sometimes, parents, they forget to turn in a test they have taken in class. How does this happen?
“Because we graded it in class and I got a 100%.”
“…”
“And when we get our tests back we’re supposed to correct the answers we got wrong and then turn them in, and since I didn’t get any wrong, I figured I didn’t have any to turn anything in.”
I was speechless. The Mister was quicker on his feet. “Wow. I…Okay. How did you think your teacher�was going to know you didn’t get any wrong on your test if you never turned it in?”
It was like a little lightbulb went off in his head, and said�lightbulb shined a big spotlight on the 0% that stood in place of the�100% on his progress note. (Which made me feel horrible.) It also shined a light on something for me: no one talks about how hard middle school is for the students, especially the boys. (Which made me feel angry.)
For the last few months I’ve felt like our family was the only one having these issues. When I tried broaching�the subject with other parents, I got the “Little Johnny is doing swell!” line in�all its various iterations. The logical part of me knew that couldn’t be right. No child is perfect. We’re raising children, not manufacturing drones.
But logic rarely overpowers doubt and insecurity, so I spent much�of October through December feeling like a failure. Maybe I hover too much. Maybe I don’t hover enough. Maybe he’s doing too much. Maybe he’s not doing enough. Then one day, after a fight about I don’t know which�forgotten�assignment I thought,�maybe it’s not�just us.
It’s not just us. And if you’re reading this and are experiencing�a similar situation at home, it’s not just you. A teacher confirmed this to me after a discussion about another missed assignment, again done perfectly and on time, but not turned in.
“He’s either acing his classes or forgetting everything. There’s no middle ground with him!”
“That’s sixth grade. It’s an adjustment year with a huge learning curve. Totally normal.”
“But I’ve asked other parents, and their kids don’t miss a single assignment, or forget schoolwork, or..”
“Eh.�They’re just not telling you about it.”
We’re all guilty of that. We like to layer our lives with�filters that smooth out the edges, but this�isn’t an Instagram moment. This is life, and it�should be real, and honest, and beautiful, and full of mess-ups. We do a disservice to our kids�when we get angry with�them at home but�pretend life is grand in public. We teach them to lie, to deflect, and, worst of all, to never admit the slightest mistake. We do a disservice to ourselves, too, because if we as parents act as if everything is perfect, then we can’t admit we don’t know what we’re doing, we can’t bounce ideas off each other, and we can’t�gain comfort in knowing we�aren’t the only ones�with a child who just started studying for a math test at 9:00pm the night before the exam. We don’t get the benefit of knowing this is all normal, expected even. And I bet if we did, we wouldn’t be so angry�at our kids in the first place. Just a little angry, because, ugh, it’s still sixth grade.
Then I remembered a book I bought months prior on recommendation from a reader.
You better believe I dusted that thing off and jumped right in. I read That Crumpled Paper was Due Last Week: Helping Disorganized Boys Succeed in School and Life�and realized, finally, I don’t suck as a mom and Mikey isn’t secretly plotting to kill me–at least not now, and not over school. Mikey is absolutely, positively normal. He’s behaving exactly as he should at this age and at this point in school.
Many educators and researchers believe there is currently a crisis in boys� education, and if you�ve picked up this book, you may already be aware of it. Male students are, on average, between six months and a year behind their female counterparts when they start high school, and the girls stay ahead right through their senior year. The problem is clear to the parents who come into my office for the first time, typically at their wits� end and sometimes near tears. The boy that they know to be smart, witty, thoughtful, and/or brilliant can�t remember to turn in his homework and is failing several classes. The son who was absolutely precious as a young child started slipping as a middle schooler and has now become a headache of a teenager who just this morning forgot his English essay on the printer, has no idea that he has two tests tomorrow, and still needs to return his uniform for a school sport that ended two weeks ago.
Sound familiar?
That Crumpled Paper was Due Last Week: Helping Disorganized Boys Succeed in School and Life
I’m recommending the book to everyone not because it was absolutely amazing. If you’re organized and pragmatic, there isn’t much new to read, which is why the book is�so heavy on success stories and anecdotes. I’m recommending it because it has the potential to be a huge comfort to parents. I know I felt good knowing Mikey’s “A one day, F the next” wasn’t unusual. There are some great techniques on getting your child organized, tips on how to change your attitude or approach, and practical solutions and strategies for tackling homework, longterm projects, and tests/quizzes. There are�also entire chapters devoted to special considerations like learning differences, divorced/single parenting, and illnesses (yours or the child’s).
The most important messages for me were (1) change won’t happen over night and (2) tween minds, especially boys and especially at this age, aren’t developed enough to manage their intellectual and artistic achievements.�Just because they can think like an adult, doesn’t mean they can manage like an adult. How I failed to make that connection for�all these months amazes me. I tell parents all the time that just because a child can read a book five�grade levels ahead doesn’t mean they should. Then, I remember that I’m a new middle school mom. I’m figuring it out as I go, just like Mikey. (That’s right, new moms! You will always be a new mom with your first born! Everything is new and difficult and worth it.) Realizing�I’ve been a huge part of the problem this year as we adapt as a family to middle school was a tough pill to swallow, but I did.
Luckily, we are on the upswing. Things are getting better simply because my attitude and approach changed. We’ve already put in a few of the techniques from the book into practice here at home, as well as a few I developed on my own on the fly. In the next couple of weeks, I’ll share what worked and what hasn’t.
p.s. I’m happy to report that in the last couple of weeks the parental confessional floodgates opened. I’ve had some great chats with mothers (oddly, all them have�daughters) who have provided me with a wealth of insight and a dose of healthy commiseration.
“I tell parents all the time that just because a child can read a book five grade levels ahead doesn�t mean they should.”
Could you clarify this for me? Do you mean in terms of subject matter? If so, I tend to agree, or acknowledge that at least one must be careful. I am just wondering if there is another reason you would say this. I grew up reading adult level books from at least age ten (used to read my mom’s mystery books, such at The Cat Who series) & had never even heard of children reading “leveled” books until a few years back…I read level 2-4 readers to my three year old at bed time and he definitely grasps them/enjoys them. It seems odd to me to put a limit on what can be read by certain ages, so I’d like to hear the reasoning from a professional :)
And thank you for sharing this book…I’m many years out from this sort of thing, but it will definitely go on my long list of “Books I Need to Read as a Mom of Boys.”
Oh, I’m no professional. :) I’ll still share my thoughts! This is a long reply that I should probably make into a post, but here goes. I’m not opposed to kids reading above level. Both my boys do. However, I do monitor WHY they read things. Nico will sometimes want to read above level because he wants to be his big brother and doesn’t want to read “baby” books. That’s when I tell him to choose another book.
Some parents and kids like to read books that are “advanced” for prestige, not realizing that those books are marked “older” not just because of the vocabulary, but because of the themes explored. A young child doesn’t have the life experience to draw from to appreciate a lot of what will make a story great.
Two examples. One: I know someone who was very proud that her 4th grade son read The Hunger Games trilogy. I wasn’t impressed. It wasn’t like he spliced a gene or cloned a marsupial. He read a series whose themes, I imagine, went completely over his head. HG was inspired by the myth of the minotaur, which he never read (or knew what a minotaur was). It was about our obsession as a culture with reality TV and how desensitized to violence we have become thanks in large part to video games, which he is not allowed to watch or play. Finally, it was also about our treatment of veterans and an opposition to the war, which he knew nothing about.
It’s great that he read and understood the HG, but there’s more to reading than superficial comprehension and AR points. A book is more enriching when you can draw from your own life to flesh out the story in your mind.
Two: Mikey read the Harry Potter series when he was in the 3rd grade. He said he loved it, became obsessed, watched all the movies, had the wands, etc. Then he read it again in the 5th grade and saw how much his missed. Then he read it again at the beginning of this year and said, “Whoa. That was like reading a totally different story! I didn’t realize how much I missed even since last year.” As Mikey’s life experiences expanded, the story became richer. He knew how it felt to be Neville when he blew up a cauldron because it was (to him) a lot like answering incorrectly an easy question in front of his classmates. There’s a Draco Malfoy at school that drives him nuts. Hermione, and all her know-it-all ways, sits behind him. When he reads it again in a few years, he’ll have even more to add to the story and the story will become even more personal to him. (Crushes! Bumbling in front of girls! Deciding what to do when you grow up! Dealing with social injustice!)
Anyway, that’s a really long way to say it’s not so much about content as it is about exploring themes and adding richness to the reading experience. I wasn’t talking about reading level 2-4 readers to a 3 year old in my post. Hah! The richness there comes from being read to from a loving adult, which provides context and a host of other benefits. :)
Thank you for your reply! That makes perfect sense…and actually has me wanting to read the Hunger Games now ;)
I also have a 6th grade son, and let me tell you we have so many of the same challenges. Getting the work turned in is a huge struggle but juts getting the textbooks home so he can even DO the work is really our biggest issue. I cannot tell you how many kind parents have taken pictures of pages in books and worksheets for us and sent them to me to we could do the homework, how many parents have started “casually” mentioning projects that I knew nothing about, so we wouldn’t get behind. I am thankful for “the village” every day.
Teaching him to get organized is a struggle and I have to remind myself daily that this is a long game and the adult version of him will be better for all this work, even while present-day mom is a bit frazzled.
I can count on one hand the number of times Mikey has forgotten a book. Nico, a totally different story. I just got a text of his spelling list on Monday, and on Tuesday he forgot to turn in said spelling words.
When my son was in 4th grade, his Latin teacher warned me “6th grade, their brains turn to mashed potatoes, 4th grade it just begins…” Because I was so frustrated how my responsible child was suddenly forgetting EVERYTHING. Now he’s in 6th, his brother is in 4th…and need to read this. :)
Hahaha! Nico starts 4th next year. Hold me!
6th grade is when things started to fall apart for my smart, sensitive, and previously successful son. You might want to check out executive functioning skills as a search topic. Asynchronous development in gifted children is another topic that might bring insight. (You’ve not identified Mikey as intellectually gifted, but if he is I highly recommend visiting the SENG website.) Speaking as a mom of seniors and 25+ year secondary educator, I think this is a huge issue for our boys in particular. Not all boys have this struggle, and some girls do, too. But something is not happening for our boys, often the brightest ones. Applaud you for responding so quickly, breaking silence, and being willing to examine your parenting. Mikey’s lucky to have you in his corner.
Thanks. :) I went to the SENG website and found their reading list very helpful. I actually have a few of those books collecting dust on my self. I guess I know what I’ll be reading this year!
I have a 6th grade daughter (as well as a son who is a junior and another daughter who is a freshman). I think girls go through the same stuff just a little earlier. It was 4th grade where we struggled with #3. She was constantly forgetting to bring home her homework, take her homework back to school, etc. Thankfully, she has since turned everything around and hasn’t had 1 missing assignment this year. Part of her success is that at our middle school, a lot of what they do is online so there is less to remember at dismissal. You are definitely not alone, and there is hope! I’m glad you are finding some things that work for you guys!
Funny, my friend with a daughter says that her hardest year was 4th grade, too.
I can’t speak to the gender part of it (or the parent part) but UGH. Middle school was such a huge struggle for me, I think because I’m not naturally organized (it might be fair to say I’m naturally chronically disorganized, if we go by what we are as children). I had sort of scraped through elementary school, although I definitely missed a lot of work because I would forget about it (or do it and forget to hand it in, or try to hand it in but forget that I also needed a parent’s signature). It’s been well over two decades since I was a middle schooler and I still get the shivers when I think about it.
My mom was working full time and in school, so I was on my own figuring this out. And while I won’t say it’s the best strategy, I will say that there was something useful about being allowed to fail and realizing that there’s no safety net – I had to figure out some kind of system that worked for me and no one was going to step in and make my problems go away. Not having assignments when everyone else did was always embarrassing to me and it motivated me (this is probably more difficult if you aren’t a people pleaser because maybe you wouldn’t care so much?). I eventually realized that my planner was my lifesaver and I’ve clung to color coded calendars and schedules ever since.
Definitely not suggesting that you should leave Mikey to flail around on his own! I’m sure a little guidance and help developing strategies will make it move along quicker. I’m torn between wishing that I had more support and feeling grateful that I was forced to figure it out on my own. In retrospect, middle school was low enough stakes that it was a good time to practice these skills, however inexpertly I started out. By the time I got to high school I was actually prepared, which was not the case with some of the students whose parents micro-managed everything for them in elementary and middle school! A little bit of failure can be useful, I think. Sounds like Mikey is learning those lessons now and he’s so lucky that you’re there to help him figure it out.
ETA – whoa, sorry for the novel! This is one of those things I feel really strongly about, because I remember how big a struggle it was and every time someone comments on how I’m naturally organized I want to tell them that learning to be organized is a hard won battle for some people, but it can be done!
I was also on my own, and so was my husband. We figured it out, but we do wish someone had shown us the ropes along the way. That’s our goal with the boys. We don’t want to micromanage them. We want to raise independent, confident men BUT we do think that, like in the renaissance age, they can use an apprenticeship to at least observe one way of doing things.
I do think that one of the key benefits of figuring it out on your own is figuring out exactly what works for you. Lists are my forever friends, for example, but I would have never learned that from my parents. I don’t think I’ve ever seen either of them write out a To-Do list.
p.s. I, too, am a naturally messy, disorganized person. People comment on my clean desk and lists and love of organizing. Um, no. I do all that because if I don’t, you’ll find me buried under a pile of books, coffee cups, and empty french fries boxes from McDonald’s. If I don’t give myself rules and structure, I’m lost.
UGH!! Thank you for the scare this morning! So — Im taking off the filters… — my 1st is in Kindergarten… He was born in September, so we waited till this year when he turned 6 to start —and we still are having substantial “impulsivity and self control issues”.
Unfortunately, like both his parents, he is a talker and gets so excited that he just shouts things out — I need help in getting him to learn self control — do you have any recommendations on that front?!? I would really appreciate your insight on this — did either of your boys struggle with this?
Not really, but sort of. My kids have always receive the same “area of improvement” comment in every parent/teacher conference: they are disorganized and messy. Mikey’s desk usually looks like a bomb went off. Nico not as much, but he’s easily distracted. My boys’ issues with messiness and your son’s issues with impulse control are often lumped together as “executive functioning issues.”
I like this. Too often we fall into the trap that success and failure are all-or-nothing. School is for learning. Middle school, in particular, is a transitional period, when growth spurts in brains and bodies and intellect and emotions never quite match up. So kids make mistakes, and they learn. Sometimes it takes a lot of mistakes. And isn’t that the way it is for everyone? Growth is hard and never a straight line.
Middle school/growing up does take a lot of mistakes, and the parents aren’t immune to making some of those mistakes. ;) I had to realize this year that sometimes they will make the same mistake over and over again, but it’s still progress. The funny thing is, Mikey will do something and he seems shocked that it keeps happening! Like, I can’t believe I forgot my planner again. Haha.
I used to teach 6th and 7th grade math. Yep. This is when the students are going through puberty and growing and such so they literally can’t handle emotions/themselves/the world. The 6th graders were at least innocently silly; the seventh graders were hormonal hurricanes.
As you have found, it’s not just you. ^_^
Also, middle school is the perfect time to “fail” and make mistakes and learn to be responsible for oneself.
Letting him fail isn’t my problem. It’s my response to that failure that could have been better.
My son started sixth grade this year as well (and left elementary, middle school is 6-8 in my town). I am grateful that at parent night, the teachers said, “Sixth grade is the perfect time to fail! This is a lot to figure out. Don’t worry — we will help them.”
Other thoughts — his school provides every student with a “reminder binder,” and they are required to write down each day’s assignments in it. Yes, the teachers walk around and check that they’ve done it. They have copies of all textbooks at home, so no worries about forgetting books.
I feel like this year is requiring a lot more coaching, cheerleading, and providing emotional ballast than I had anticipated. And trying to teach him tools that I wish someone had taught me (like: “let’s set the timer for 45 minutes. Work on your HW that long, and when the timer goes off you get a 20 minute break.”). Some days it’s exhausting!
I love your comment. So much of it rings true for me!
Yes, we got the same speech. I also have the benefit of hearing it from the teachers in the lunch room. :) I always remind myself that no one will look at his 6th grade transcripts, but that’s easier to remember on some nights versus others!
Our school provides the planner/reminder binder too, but the teacher doesn’t check it. He never, ever used it. Never brought it home! Mikey’s curse is his phenomenal memory, which has started to fail him as he has more to-do’s to remember. The new rule in our house is that he must write his assignments and bring the agenda home every day for us to check. The idea is to help him understand that a planner is a tool at his disposal, not another “thing” he has to do. My friend buys all the textbooks at the beginning of the year, both to spare herself the drama of missing textbooks and because she wants to avoid the heavy load on her daughter’s back. I’m tempted, though I’m worried that will take away from him using the planner.
Another thing we are doing, which the book goes into detail about, is teaching him the perils of procrastination. Rather than yelling at him about XYZ assignment, we point out why procrastinating didn’t benefit him. Mikey’s a huge procrastinator and even as early as a few weeks ago, he would argue with his last breath that procrastinating was how he worked best.
You could not have said it better in your description of 6th grade. It’s all about coaching, cheerleading, and providing an emotional ballast.
Some of this sounds very familiar, extremely familiar actually. Sam started 5th grade in the fall (in Germany grade school ends in the fourth grade) and it has been a bumpy ride. Not that I wish this stress on anyone, but it sure is nice to know that we are not alone .
You’re not alone, as you know. I’m a mom of a 13 year old and a 15 year old, both girls. The last few years have been harrowing to say the least. There feels to be a tiny light at the end of the tunnel now. Part of it isn’t just organization, but just that general sense of they’re stuck somewhere between being a child and being an adult. And all their peers are at such differing levels of maturity in every way. One thing that’s been a comfort to me is knowing that these mistakes and trials and tribulations are actually good things. That’s how they and you learn. It sure is painful sometimes though. Good luck.
I have very little to add in the way of organization or parenting advice but I just wanted to commiserate.
I remember trying to tell my mom (who was a teacher!! and should have known better!!!) that I wasn’t any worse than any other kid (and was maybe even a little better) but she was positive that I was lying because from the outside…everyone else looked like they were just fine. It took her three more children before she realized that EVERY family has a struggle with one thing or another – it’s just that people don’t like to air their dirty laundry. Whether it be struggling to get assignments turned in or being mouthy (my own personal transgression growing up) or whatever. It’s unfortunate because if I’ve learned ANYTHING in the last 8 years of being a parent it’s that shared struggles make me feel a whole less incompetent and alone.
Good luck! And thank you for being honest.
This could not have come at a better time. Just yesterday I was sitting in a classroom with all of my son’s 5th grade teachers discussing a carbon copy of all these things. I thought I was alone!
I was encouraged in the fact that all David’s teachers assured me this was normal. Several factors however are pulled into this and it’s hard to decifer what is “boy” and what is not. David was diagnosed with ADHD in second grade and has been on an appropriate dose of medication since. Almost everyone one of his teachers circled back and kept talking about David and how he’s different when he is not on his meds (which is reason 1467 why I hate that the teachers know. .don’t blame the meds. .maybe it’s just boy) I would change the direction to the missing homework that we did the night before and it was still missing or the research paper we helped him PRINT OUT and it’s still missing from NOVEMBER. .but they insisted on talking about Davids medication and the missing work was normal. .ok normal but not acceptable to me.
It’s hard for me to grasp this, he’s my oldest and this is new to me. He was awarded last year for having the HIGHEST standardized testing score ib the whole school. .THE WHOLE SCHOOL! !! this year he FAILED the math section! This cold has never seen a B on a report card. ..this year 2 F’s… (missing work that I wasn’t notified about)..
We also go to private school and David has only 12 kids his age here. Only 3 other boys in his class. We are dealing with issues of acceptance, on top of the procrastination. I feel we are in a safe place for david to make mistakes but I also feel that we can’t just feet through this on a wing and a prayer.
Your words are encouraging and u will be buying that book.
Ah, boys. I think that may be why many parents of boys–upon their son’s graduation from high school–act as though they have just reached the summit of Mount Everest, and lived to tell the tale.
Of course, it’s nothing new. Take the second chapter of Titus, for instance. It provides detailed instructions for how most members of society are to behave. Then it gets to the young men: “encourage the young men to be self controlled in everything.” It’s not even “young men ARE to be . . . ” it’s just encourage . . . as if to say, “do your best with those fellows.” Ha! :)