A prayer or some positive thoughts my way would be greatly appreciated. Lately, I’ve been feeling spread thin and anxious. I’ve been doing too much, saying yes too often. When I agreed to work at the boys’ school, I did so thinking it would be good for me to get out of the house with the Mister traveling so much. It slipped my mind that working all day meant I wouldn’t be able to fulfill the household responsibilities I had in the past–or at least not as well. I have always said that I hated the practice of law because it drove me to work too hard and sacrifice too much for too little reward. I’m realizing now that it wasn’t law–it was me. It’s still me.
I’m incapable of saying no and, therefore, I work until I’m overwhelmed and resentful. I don’t talk to anyone unless I bump into them at school or on Facebook. I come home to a messy house, which I can’t handle. Everyone has their weakness, and for me it’s a disorganized, cluttered house. The stress of walking into a house with crap everywhere undoes me. Not enough for me to do much about it, mind you, but enough for me to make idle threats and glower. I also feel like I’m not devoting to the boys the time and attention they need from me. Homework, studying, signing the proper schoolwork…I can’t keep up. I’m failing.
I’m not sure the school budget is there for me to return next year–it’s something they can’t know until enrollment numbers are in–and the idea the decision of returning might be made for me gives me a great sense of relief. It’s not a decision I want to make because I don’t know what I want. I love working with the kids and I love where I work, but I love my family more.
I did tell them that no matter what, I want to continue my (volunteer) work in the library.
Speaking of libraries, my library has available on epub All the Light We Cannot See, which recently won the Pulitzer. Yes, I’m shocked. I hadn’t checked out the digital catalog for our library system in at least a year. They last time I did they had, I kid you not, maybe 10 books per category. Now the options are seemingly limitless; it looks like a true digital library. I’m excited!
I “borrowed” the book and it’s sitting on my ipad waiting for me. I’m going to read it, and I hope you will join me. I don’t want to say book club is back, but it’s my goal to bring it back to life. To do that, I know I might have to change some stuff around here to making commenting easier, and know that I’m working on it whether I bring back book club or not. This time around, I’m going to schedule the discussion for the last Tuesday of the month. So the discussion for this book (the May book, IF I were bringing back the book club) is scheduled for Tuesday, May 26. See you there?