It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
Teddy Roosevelt, speaking at the Sorbonne in Paris, April 23, 1910
The entire time I read this book today I was reminding myself that I am not a loser for failing to have this post up first thing this morning. Yay me for picking a book on point!
What a difficult, nerve-wracking book for me. Reading about shame and vulnerability was about as fun as writing this post is now: not at all. I struggle with shame and find it difficult to be vulnerable. I’m in a writing club and have yet to turn in anything for critique. In fact, I have yet to write anything! I think about it, but the few paragraphs I’ve written have all been horrible (in my mind) and don’t get me started on finding something to write about.
I knew about the increased incidence of suicide among attorneys because I did a paper on it in law school. They are also 20% more likely than the general public to become substance abusers–alcohol in particular. It became so prevalent that at least one hour of continuing legal education in the state of CA must be on substance abuse. I stepped away from the practice of law because I was a Viking all the way.
The parenting part was a little easier for me to stomach. I feel I’m doing an okay job there, especially after Mikey’s near constant baseball woes last season. I panicked a bit when I got to that part where Bren Brown said our children could only become as Wholehearted as their parents, but I figure all the work I am doing for myself this year counts for something. They see me trying, and that’s what counts.
Did you like Toni Morrison’s advice about expressing your joy when your child walks in the room? I did. I don’t do that all the time, but I’m pretty good about it, probably because my parents were more of the “fix your collar/brush your hair” sort. When it’s my turn to pick up all the kids (mine and carpoolers) I almost always roll down my window in the drive-up line and wave at them like they are passengers of a boat sailing into Ellis Island. They seem to like it, and the teachers get a kick out of it, too. Of course, then they usually tease me about all the boys in my car and one of them has to mention something Nico did during the day…it’s fun.
The book wasn’t as foo-foo-la-la as I feared. The Kindle version of it was a bit of a mess, but overall I liked it. I was inspired to take down all my parenting books (listed in my unread library) and start reading them.
Being a mother isn’t for everyone. I have friends who are childless by choice, and others who love their kids but really don’t find much fulfillment in mothering. That’s okay; it’s not for me to judge. I do think I’m a pretty good mom, and I love my role as Mikey and Nico’s mother. A part of me feels like shepherding these boys through life is what I was meant to do. That corny little bit has been hard for me to admit coming from such a career driven background, but it’s the truth. The over-educated woman with the razor tongue was meant to raise two boys joyfully and imperfectly. There is no shame it that.
Missed this book. But can I suggest you submit your recent blog about the plant doctor and his daughter to your writing group? Such a lovely piece!
Hah. I hear that and almost want to die from the mere suggestion. Clearly I still have a way to go with this shame and vulnerability thing.
Or just go back and re-read all the great comments you got from random internet strangers = )
Hugs.
Samma read my mind. You should definitely submit the plant doctor post.
Thank you, Sarah. :)
Not related to this discussion, but I wanted to tell you about a book I am reading.
It is called ” Special Topics in Calamity Physics”, by Marisha Pessl.
Her descriptions of things and people so remind me of your writing style.
For example, from the page I am on now ( not the best to illustrate my point, but convenient) :
” my breathing was a mad woman’s, my heart was teetering like a wino in a jail cell…”
Okay, here’s another one from earlier in the book: ” he didn’t slam down the phone, but gently returned it to the wall, much in the manner of putting a maraschino cherry atop a sundae.”
I’m enjoying it immensely. I think she has a new book coming out this summer – “Night Film”.
Oh, how fun! I love it when people make comparisons like that. I guess I’m a descriptive writer? According to this website, I write like David Foster Wallace. Uh, what?
David Foster Wallace
I Write Like. Analyze your writing!
Somehow I completely missed that this was the book for this month. I haven’t read it yet but it’s on my To Read list. I saw Brene speak at Blissdom in 2011 and it changed my life. I’m glad to see more people are paying attention to her work on shame and vulnerability.
I read this book a few months ago and enjoyed the topic (as much as anyone can ‘enjoy’ this topic). I personally felt like the first 30 pages were strong and covered what needed to be said and the rest of the book was just supporting accounts of her main points on shame & vulnerability in our society. I did think it went a little overlong and, for that, I gave it 3.5 stars overall.
I think two things hit home strongly with me. First, the scarcity issue. I think she hits nail on the head with these two quotes:
“We spend inordinate amounts of time calculating how much we have, want, and don�t have, and how much everyone else has, needs, and wants�
and “The counterapproach to living in scarcity is not about abundance. In fact, I think abundance and scarcity are two sides of the same coin. The opposite of �never enough� isn�t abundance or �more than you could ever imagine.� The opposite of scarcity is enough, or what I call Wholeheartedness”
.
The second item is the perfectionism issue:
“Perfectionism is not teaching them (your children) how to strive for excellence or be their best selves. Perfectionism is teaching them to value what other people think over what they think or how they feel. It�s teaching them to perform, please, and prove.�
EEK EEK EEK. I have struggled mightily to not push my child just because ‘everyone else is doing it’ and we have to do it, too, because that must be the right thing, right? They must be doing it better than I am/she is. I’m a single mom raising a little peep imperfectly, and it’s so easy to think that there is a ‘right’ way and that somehow it’s not what I’m doing and continue to compare myself to other parents/families and her to other kids…. DANGER ZONE.
I have made some personal life choices for our family that take these quotes in hand (along with similar from other authors/presentations) as good reminders that having a good life isn’t what someone else tells me it is. Funny enough, another author I read- Gretchen Rubin and the Happiness Project, hit on this in a lighter way when she asked, ‘What’s something that everyone else seems to love, but you just can’t work up much enthusiasm for and only do it because you feel you should?’ – Again with the ‘should’… SHOULD is a frightening word and goes along with what Brene Brown has to say (IMHO). that SHOULD lingers in the back of our minds making us question things that otherwise would be ENOUGH to bring our lives happiness daily.
*I love your writing and I love that you roll down the window when you pick up your kids! ME, TOO! I look like a dork and I don’t care. :)
Total dork! I’m such a dork I don’t even realize I am a dork most of the time. ;)
I was just having the whole should/why do it thoughts this week because Mikey wants to do both baseball camp and music camp. Music he is really excited about, baseball not so much. It’s really because he doesn’t like that he isn’t so great at baseball. I want to tell him to scrap baseball, but then I start worrying that he should be in sports like all the other kids and that he’ll be missing out on parties and trophies, etc. etc. Pretty stupid, really, and I don’t know what to do because he wants all those things, and yet doesn’t have that much fun, if that makes sense.
I don’t know what to do. Right now, baseball camp is off the table. He can’t be in two places at once, and he’s chosen music camp over baseball. I worry it’s because his friend is in music camp, but at this point I’m starting to over-think everything.
OHHHHH.. I feel your pain! I thought for sure my kid would want to be a soccer player (her older half-brother -15yrs old- plays all year, & was even asked to referee younger kids) because all of her friends were playing on teams. One of her closest friends moms was even the coach last year, so I thought I would push the issue. She pushed back and I realized that it was because I thought she SHOULD try it, not because she was giving me the signs of really wanting to do it. So we’ve stuck to the activities she enjoys and try to keep it to one at a time (for time/money reasons, but also for my sanity, as well). I remind myself that she’s already very active, curious and smart and not doing ‘ ______’ activity in grade school or over summer breaks will not bar her from applying to good colleges or getting a job and being able to support me when I’m old (I jest, but still. perspective).
I have another friend that declined putting her son on a traveling baseball team that he was invited to be on because it just wasn’t best for their family or her son (the time/money commitment).He’s the only one that’s playing regular ball and all his friends are now doing this other team she was tortured over it because she feels like she’s failing him (son is perfectly content btw) by not participating in every single opportunity so I reminded her that he’s happy & enjoying his summer and their family is not totally stressed out trying to fundraise and keep up with the travel commitments either (good for everyone).
I truly believe we’ve all gotten to the point that if we aren’t running on the treadmill until we drop we don’t feel as if we’ve done enough (in our home, our work, for our kids, volunteering in the community). It’s VERY hard for me to not justify my decisions when people ask me why Ava isn’t involved in ‘______’ and not feel guilty over something that I can’t quite put my finger on. Oh wait, maybe that’s just being Catholic in general (the guilt)? LOL
Don’t overthink. If your son is happy and excited over music camp? Stick to that and let him study dinosaurs and hang out the rest of the summer. If Music Camp is a dud then he won’t ask to do it next year and will try something else. If I’ve learned anything from your posts about your boys, it’s that they’re pretty smart cookies. Trust that.
He did music camp last year (electric guitar) and loved it–minus the part where he wasn’t playing like Slash from Guns N Roses within the first 5 minutes.
I’m afraid he’ll want to play baseball in the spring, and all these kids on the team are so intense. They’re playing ball year round, and if Mikey thought his skills weren’t at the same level last year…he doesn’t know what’s coming.
The other boys will surpass him in baseball skills, so I guess that’s a conversation to have with him. Otherwise it sounds like music is a great fit and, like YJ mentioned below, music is a life-long skill and is shown to be a great boon to learning in general. I don’t think you or he will regret that choice. Good luck! Parenting is hard work. sigh.
Plus, music is really great for making friends, being better at math, science, nd USB learning to be part of a team!
In my heart of hearts I think music is a better fit for Mikey. He plays his little recorder daily just for fun. He can go weeks without playing baseball. He really wanted to play trumpet at camp, but I pushed him to do clarinet–an idea he loved until he saw the trumpet. The trumpet is cooler, but the clarinet has the same fingering as the recorder (sort of) and he can transition to a lot of different instruments, like the saxophone, that he has shown interest in. I felt a little guilty about making the clarinet decision for him, but my husband didn’t. He said that sometimes parents know better than the child, and Mikey will thank me for it later. My parents forced me to play piano, which I hated, but now love them for doing it.
This parenting stuff is hard.
This book is in my library bag right now. I’ve checked it out once before but then had to return it before I got a chance to start it. I sort of back away slooowly because I presume it will be too many pages saying the same thing over and over. I usually enjoy and devour the first, say, 40 pages of such books (anything in the self-help/devotional genre) and then feel like “okay i get it. Done”.
BUT. If you say it’s not foo-foo-la-la (is that like when I say “touchy feely goopy”?) then I would like to try it. I’ve heard about it from so many people- I have to give it a try, right?
Well, you’re asking the wrong person. Me and nonfiction barely get along. Like you mentioned, I read the first 40 pages and then I’m like…eh. I get it, thanks. This book seemed like that, but as she got into each subject (work, parenthood) she would tailor the writing. It ended suddenly, though. It was a strange book. You know what? It kind of read like she was synthesizing years and years of her research and trying to write it in a casual, nonacademic way–a writing style she’s not accustomed to, perhaps.
Foo-foo-la-la: yes, touchy-feely, emotional crap that often involves inner goddesses and things “speaking” to you.
Agreed, the writing was rough butk appreciated the effort.
I liked a lot of what she had to say but found the repeating the same things with different wording off putting and like you said earlier the ending was weird.
Her chapter on shame resonated with me the most – especially the part were she “Fess up to experiencing shame or admit that your a sociopath” b/c right before that (even though the chapter could have been written directly to me) I was saying, “But I wouldn’t say I struggle with shame really”.
And I’m ignoring the parents can only raise kids as wholehearted as they are. The shame otherwise….
Please forgive all my crazy typos and sentence structure. I’m on my phone while my kids are at swimming lessons.
I agree that it was a strange book, too. It wasn’t exactly scientific, but it wasn’t preachy or “foo-foo-la-la” (great term, btw). She genuinely seems surprised & excited by what she learned & wanted it to share it it with the masses. I liked her frequent pop culture references at first, but after a while it seemed like she was trying too hard to dumb down her research for the little people. It also seemed like the title was a little misleading, but I guess “How Shame is Keeping us Down” wouldn’t be a big seller.
What was also unusual for me, was reading a self-help book when I wasn’t looking for help. I was sort of caught off guard with how much it resonated with me. I feel like it could use a workbook or flash guards or something, to keep up with all the strategies for shame resilience.
I noticed that Brene Brown reference quite a few inspirational quotes & images she uses and I feel like if I did that it would be like living in the guidance counselor’s office.
I agree with Samma and Sarah- your plant doctor post was beautifully written. I know exactly how you feel, though- I’m in an Art Class right now (my first one ever!), and we are given optional homework every week, which is then critiqued at the beginning of the next class. The instructor is very kind, his critiques are always constructive, and he is fully aware that we are all beginners, and yet I haven’t shared anything for FIVE WEEKS because if I CAN’T SKETCH PERFECTLY (despite having never sketched before), THEN WHY BOTHER. PERFECTION OR BUST, BABY. The result is that I now have four classes left, and I question how much I’ve learned, because I’m not practicing. And even if I sit down later, and do all my assignments on my own, I won’t have any idea of how to improve, because there will be no one to say “I see what you were trying to do, maybe try *this* next time, and see if it works better!”. And then my shame says “See, I KNEW you couldn’t do it. You wasted 30 hours in class, and a couple hundred dollars in fees and supplies for NOTHING”. DON’T BE LIKE ME, JULES!!! SAVE YOURSELF!!! ;-) ;-)
For the last four days, I’ve thought it was the 16th, so I’ve been dawdling through my reading because I HAVE TWO MORE DAYS!!! Yeah, #CalendarFail. So, I’m only half-done the book (and I don’t have time to power through the rest today!)
I can already tell that this is going to be a book I pick up again and again. Pretty much everything that has been said so far- about vulnerability and shame, perfectionism, and the defense mechanisms we use to not feel vulnerable- has hit the nail on the head for me (see opening anecdote above!). I don’t know why I’m constantly shocked by the fact that I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS THIS WAY, but I am. I guess that’s the power of shame- it’s like an abusive boyfriend, who isolates you from everyone around you by convincing you that you’re not as smart/talented/funny/creative/loveable/whatever as everyone else…and if it weren’t for HIM, you’d be ALONE. Because you SUCK. You should be GRATEFUL that he’s with you.
I used to subscribe to a blog whose cornerstone topic was worthiness…and I ended up unsubscribing in a fit of rage. Every post (written by one of two authors, who were married to each other), came across as: “I didn’t feel worthy, and my relationships sucked, and my spouse left me, out of the blue….so I spent some time crying and feeling sad and lonely…and then I woke up one day and decided I was worthy, and then 3 months later I met my partner and 6 months later we were married and now everything is PERFECT!!!!!!! EXCLAMATION MARKS TO INFINITY!!!!” They honestly make it sound like it’s NOT a struggle, like you just tell yourself “I’m WORTHY!!” and it sticks. Maybe I’m just cynical, but I highly doubt they went to sleep one night with their regular shame-gremlins, and woke up the next morning like “BAM! WORTHY! DONE! New life, HERE I COME!!!”.
Speaking personally, my struggle with shame is constant and unending. The internal voice I hear the most is the voice of my shame- the one that looks at me when I have an idea and says “Okay, look. We BOTH know what kind of person you are, and we BOTH know that you’re not capable of this…I mean just look at all these other examples of times you tried something, and how badly you failed! And, clearly, nobody else has ever tried something and failed, it’s JUST YOU, because YOU’RE HOPELESS AND TERRIBLE, so why don’t you just save everyone the time and money and drop that silly idea right now?” Any victories I’ve had in silencing that voice have been small and short-lived, so to have someone else relate THEIR War With Shame as a minor skirmish that was neatly handled in an evening thanks to a (metaphorical) bolt from the blue makes me angry, honestly. It doesn’t sound authentic, and it certainly doesn’t speak to their vulnerability. After reading this book, it makes me wonder if it’s even a battle these bloggers have fought at all, or if they’re just putting up a defense of “I’M TOTES VULNERABLE ALL THE TIME, Y’ALL!!! LISTEN TO ME TALK ENDLESSLY ABOUT MY CURRENT LOVELY LIFE, WHILE ONLY OBLIQUELY REFERRING TO MORE DIFFICULT TIMES, AND NEVER GIVING ANY INDICATION OF HOW I GOT FROM THERE TO HERE! PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!!!!” (Possible Option #3- they’re saving THOSE stories for the book they’re trying to sell behind-the-scenes)
The point of that long digression was that Brene isn’t like that- she mentions her failures. She talks about how difficult some things are for her, DESPITE seeing tons and tons of research to support those actions. She makes it clear that she’s still fighting this same battle- maybe not every day, but she’s certainly not declaring victory. I find that “We’re all in this together” feeling very refreshing.
I am looking forward to finishing this book, and I’m probably going to grab her other ones as well.
LOVED your ‘long digression.’ It made me smile because all of your examples were spot on!
“The book wasn�t as foo-foo-la-la as I feared.”
I was happy to read this. I know (from facebook, perhaps?) that you were worried about it going in, but I loved Daring Greatly and was hoping you’d find it worthwhile and not airy-fairy.
And yeah, I just loved that part about Toni Morrison and letting your face speak what’s in your heart when your kids enter the room. That was a big takeaway for me.