I devoted a ridiculous amount of time over the last two weeks deciding between a real or artificial Christmas tree. I researched, polled, and surveyed. I priced checked, measured, and consulted with die-hard fans of each. Only the Due Process Clause has received more extensive analysis. Eco friendly versus cost effective versus aesthetics, it boiled down to whether I could erase from my mind a career-day visit from a police officer in the 3rd grade. He stood up in front of the class and told us to make sure our parents took care of our Christmas trees because they burn down houses all the time. Woosh!
“You won’t even be alive to worry about all your melted presents.”
Well, thank God for small favors.
We bought an artificial tree on my birthday (this one) and while I have always wanted a real tree, it’s for the best, and not just because I want to live to see Christmas. Both the Mister and Mikey have severe allergies, and I didn’t want to risk making them uncomfortable, especially now that I am Day 3 without sugar and flour. My mood is such that I would laugh at their sneezing, spare their swollen, watery eyes a dismissive glance, and wave my fist in the air while roaring, “You don’t know suffering, weaklings!”
The fact I have withdrawals is proof sugar and flour reek havoc on my system. They are toxins. I don’t get the shakes by passing on carrots. I never fly into a rage when artichokes are out of season and green beans don’t make me paranoid. But three days off sweet treats leaves me surly, prone to criminal conduct.
On Thursday I pulled out of a Target parking lot and allegedly blocked the line of sight of a withering octogenarian in a Buick Lesabre. He rolled down his window and started waving and screaming at me with all the righteousness of a man who has never committed a traffic infraction.
Not today, old man. Not today.
It took every last ounce of self control to keep from inviting him to shuffle to the back of the parking lot and settle our disagreement mano-a-mano. Instead, I fantasized about sliding across the hood of my car, landing like a cat next to him, and knocking the rug off his head.
When I got home, I pieced together my tree, plugged in the lights, and called it a day, but not before taking a picture with my new iphone and posting it on Instagram. I’m PancakesFries if you would like to follow me. I don’t know what I am doing and so far have only posted hostilities and what I eat. They are related. Tree zhuzhing and photographing will have to wait until the sugar leaves my system and takes with it the fiery, white hot rage. I wouldn’t want to set the tree on fire and melt all the presents.
PMSL about the old man! I find I am getting more and more intolerant of old people. Having been bought up to believe they deserve our respect, I have now come to realize there are far too many old people behaving badly these days and those ones in particular do not deserve our respect, in fact I have given 1 or 2 a piece of my mind over the years because of their rudeness (I am not avoiding any food group – perhaps I was PMS!) and I normally choose the diplomatic route with people. Anyway I am sure that you did nothing wrong and he just needs stronger specs or his rug slipped down over his eyes lol! Good luck with your goals, don’t sweat the tree thing coz you did what was best for your family, that is what matters. I also have a new iPhone – love it, love it, love it!
Loved your post and lets be honest who can’t relate at one time or another. I too just got an new iphone for my b-day and can just barly send a txt and or answer the dang thing, hehe. I know the learning curve is not that steep! A question to you, while I admire you tremendously for giving up sugar and flour ( I am more of a moderation girl myself) why on earth just before Christmas? May the force be with you, I am a believer in will-power and think you can do just about anything you set your mind to do. Best of luck, will be following along and cheering from the sidelines ;)
Because I am one of those people who sucks at moderation. Sugar and flour makes me crazy. I’m completely irrational about it. I’ll do a whole post on it. :)
Jules, not sure I have the willpower to give up sugar and flour, but feel like I have been on a binge since Halloween and need to STOP!! What are you eating–not that my diet is ALL sugar and flour, but wondering about your current meal plan. Maybe you can write about it. . . ..?
I second Shae. May the force be with you. I did a no carb thing last year at this time, but I was way past the detox stage by the time Christmas came around. In fact, I think I made it through Halloween with only a couple of cheats. It’s hard, for sure, but so good for you. I’ve fallen off the wagon and am feeling the need to climb back on before things get out of control again.
Google coconut oil fudge. That stuff got me through a lot of rough spots. Also green apples with raw almond butter is a great snack.
Good luck!
I’ve made coconut oil fudge before and HOLY COW IS IT GOOD. The apple and raw almond butter is a good tip. Thanks for the reminder!
I only did “no sugar” for 40 days, and it was tough all on its own. Your efforts are impressive! (I would love to see what your meals look like when no sugar/no flour is allowed. any chance of a post on that? :))
And that story about the old man? One of the reasons I love your blog, for sure. Thanks for bringing that story to life. Hilarious. (For us, anyway. I’m sure in the moment it was somehow a lot less funny.)
Yes, please tell us about your meal plans. I picture you eating a steady diet of raw carrots. Probably because that’s what I would be limited to since I don’t cook.
I don’t like raw carrots, so I’m definitely not eating that! I’ll have to do a post or two about what I am doing.
Courage! I have a few friends who are no sugar/no flour people and they all say the first 3-5 days are the worst. (Of course I am sure that also the days you go to a bakery and the days you are out and want to grab something and and and…but point is: you are just about over the hump here–great job!) Most of them now are so relieved and happy about how they feel without the “white stuff” they don’t even think about it. But all of them were unhappy campers the first few days.
Second: we have an indoor tree which is artificial, and an outdoor tree that is real. We too have allergy issues but I love a “real” tree. Where we live, it often gets snowed on, too, which is awesome. We have cheapo plastic balls and ornaments to hang outside and just enjoy it without worrying that the squirrels will ruin something. Sometimes we get the dog going and string popcorn and cranberries to attract the wildlife…a dog can dream. Just a thought for the fire-safety-conscious among us! Happy holidays, I’ve really enjoyed your blog this year. Thanks.
The longest I have ever gone without flour/sugar is 6 months. I ate like a super star and lost 50 pounds!
I would love to have a real tree, but we have SO MANY trees on our property right now it’s ridiculous. We truly don’t have any more room for something that could grow so big.
mano-o-mano with an octogenarian. You. Good luck sister, you can do it and I have wanted a white artificial tree for years!
Oy, I seriously need to get on the no refined sugar/flour ship as well. I’m clearly addicted to the stuff, to the point where I can look at a brownie/piece of french bread and say “that will give me a migraine in….t-minus 34 minutes” and still shove it in my mouth. Not. Good.
Yes! Exactly. I don’t get a headache, though. I get incredibly painful heartburn and stomach aches.
Of course it was a Buick LeSabre!
That’s what I said! You’re a cliche, old man!
I’m currently oil pulling, you should try it. It might help rid the toxins faster.
Tree looks nice, so green. :)
Hah! :)
I’ve done oil pulling before, but never lasted more than a day or two. What oil are you using?
I have to say, oil pulling sounds very strange. I don’t know what it is, but it sounds strange nonetheless…
yeah! a new iphone…they are fun! you will love it. So yes, I agree with the above…what are you eating? I would love to start 2012 HEALTHY! need some tips…
love you!
Vegetables, fruit, protein, some grains–although right now my stomach can’t even handle rice. This is what happens when I let myself get too far gone.
Fake tree for us…every time I unpack it I remember my husband surprising me with a pre lit Cashmere pine tree! I love that tree: not watering it, putting it out earlier in the month, and not throwing it away. Then nearer to Christmas I get a small wreath or table decoration made with real pine to enjoy the scent. One year I put the real wreath next to the tree and people thought my tree was real (especially since I style in a bare spot and some leaning on the top of the tree for character!).
You are a laugh-riot!! I love your writing!! What a gift!! And, yes, there are so very many people driving who shouldn’t be! I hope when I am that age…whatever that age is…that I willingly give up the keys (or that somebody beats me about the head with the keys).
We still do a real tree, can’t give it up. Although, with the amount of money we’ve spent over the last eight years in this house, we could have a seriously awesome imitation one by now. I bow down to you, starting this no-sugar plan as we kick off the holidays. COULD. NOT.
When Art and I were newly married we lived in an adorable 1930’s 2 story Spanish style duplex in Belmont Shore. We were living the life. Our landlords lived above us and were raging drunks. Not raging as in angry, just raging as in they could party hard and one of them was a bartender so there you go. On New Years Eve Eve, we woke up to hysterical banging on our front window and a woman yelling “Your house is on FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Needless to say it scared the shit out of us, but sure enough our house was ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The second story to be exact and it hadn’t yet reached the bottom floor. We stumbled out but didn’t see our landlords. Art broke down the door and sure enough, they were passed out drunk in bed. Turns out that they passed out and left 2 candles lit next to the Christmas tree which erupted in flames and completely torched the whole 2nd story. Thank God we were all okay and that walls of 1930’s homes are very thick and the damage didn’t even trickle down to the 1st floor. Needless to say that whole incident prompted us to finally purchase our first home, RIGHT before prices skyrocketed. So in hindsight we actually owe our drunk landlords and the fiery Christmas tree for pushing us to buy just at the right time, and turn around and double our money when we sold our first home ;) OH, and the only thing I grabbed on the way out? Our wedding album (it was the days before digital). Sentimental fool! Oh, and I still buy fresh Christmas trees so I don’t know what that says about my smarts.
We have a fake now. I was reluctant for so long. We had a real tree the first year we lived together, when D was in grad school and never home. I loved it, but it was so dry post Christmas and I couldn’t figure out how to get it out of our apartment and all the way down to the dumpster by myself without leaving a massive trail of needles all over the building. I ended up hacking it into baggable pieces with a hand saw, swearing with frustration the whole time.
We then went two years without a tree of any kind. And then I relented and bought a fake one. I love having it out all month.
Hang in there! After a full week it should get easier, right? Right.
Ha ha ha!! Love the bit about the old man! snort!!
We have a fake tree, which I loath. I so love the smell of pine in my house (and no not the artificial kind from a can). But, it was more cost effective to buy a fake tree then to shell out $80 every year on a tree…I’d rather spend the $80 on gifts for my family.
I gave up sugar in February this year. It was literally the most horrifying experience of my entire life. And I’m a cancer survivor, so I know horror when I speak of horror.
God bless you
This made me laugh till tears came to my eyes, loved the image of you catwoman-ing over the car to take on the old dude ‘mano-a-mano’… sugar-free and stroppy (you might not know this word, commonly used in UK and NZ but it fits). Also zhuzhing of tree. Brilliant!
I went with a real one this year and forgot how much the blasted things shed. I had a similar wretched day though and it seems no matter what choices we make it’s a struggle to keep from going insane and on a manic killing-spree.
Yeah I know it is strange to comment on a post that is 7 months old and I am sure it must seem like I am cyber stalking you, but I just have to say, “You are so hilarious”!
Why oh why did I wait so long to read your blog. I usually take any and all reading suggestions given to me and run with them.