I stayed in my pajamas on the morning I shared the Real Simple mention. The new school year loomed before me like a Dickensian ghost, the one about the future, obviously, and it looked grim: early mornings; busy schedules; wrapping paper fundraisers. Given the tenth circle of hell is a room full of neighborhood kids with Innisbrook catalogs, I felt justified in lallygagging. Besides, I was having too much fun replying to emails and tweets. Still, I probably should have put on a bra.
Or drawn the curtains closed. Either one would have worked.
I sit with my back to a large picture window overlooking our front porch when I am on the computer. It’s an inconvenient location because I can’t avoid people who come to the door if I don’t have the curtains drawn closed. They can see me at the same moment I see their reflection in my monitor. Only in extreme emergencies do I ignore someone at the door when my cover is already blown.
I saw my neighbor’s reflection in the monitor too late to do anything more than wince. My hair was in a ponytail slap-hazard from sleep, I was wearing ill-fitting pajamas bottoms with a law school t-shirt, and didn’t have on a bra. My cover was blown, and I considered it an emergency.
My neighbor decided at that moment to smile at me and wave. Lovely.
I lumbered to the door, my untethered primate teats making track marks in the carpet behind me. Convenient, actually, because had I died of embarrassment as I thought I would, The Mister could have at least followed the trail and found my corpse. But no, I survived and answered the door.
The window must need scouring because my neighbor face looked a bit green around the gills when I opened the door. I don’t think she was expecting so much HOT MESS.
“Hi. Sorry, I’m a mess.”
“Oh, gosh, HI! Completely my fault. I didn’t mean to come over so early.”
I looked at the clock. 11:30am.
“It’s not early. I just, well, yeah.”
She got on with it. Garage sale. Neighborhood. Proceeds to go to charity. I nodded in all the right places and asked questions to make it seem like I was completely at ease with my breasts around my waist and my hair a rat’s nest set on the diagonal. Slowly, stealth-like, I leaned against the door frame and casually folded my right hand across my body and into the crease of my left elbow. My left hand played with my chin, my lips, my earlobes. The appearance: thoughtful, interested. The mission: heave my breasts up and out by imperceptible degrees until they sat, somewhat, within the upper half of my torso. When she handed me the flyer I had to start all over. I guess I could have used the flyer to cover up, but at 8.5×11 it seemed like child’s play. I’m more of a ledger gal.
We said our goodbyes. I went to the bathroom and confirmed my worst fears. HOT MESS.
Since it was noon, I decided to finally start the day and escape the house until my dignity returned. IKEA seemed like a good place to regain my composure. Ten minutes later, I was dressed and ready to go, deciding to forgo curling my hair and putting on makeup. I walked past the bathroom mirror and decided a little makeup wouldn’t hurt. The hair, though, would have to remain a raven-black, freshly colored, poof-ball. A brush is one thing, but I wasn’t about to curl my hair in triple digit weather. Besides, it’s not like I would see anyone I know in Orange County. [<—–FORESHADOWING]
The boys and I left the house, all of us looking more HOT MEH than HOT MESS. It was an improvement.
We were at IKEA and rounding the corner to look at some frames for my gallery wall in process when I heard a voice behind me say, “Excuse me, I don’t want to sound like a blog stalker, but are you Jules from Pancakes and French Fries?”
Holy out of body experiences, Batman!
She said her name was Lesly, and she was impossibly nice. At least I think she was, because in person I am socially awkward and goofy. I was so nervous that most of what she was saying sounded like wings of a hummingbird in motion. Or maybe that was my heart, because, it bears repeating, I was really nervous. Nervous enough that I completely forgot I birthed the two children I was surprised to find standing next to me. Leslie pointed them out to me.
“Oh, yes! These are my boys!” Please don’t look at their mismatched outfits.
We talked about the blog, and life, and yo-yo dieting. I apologized for my hair. Seriously, hot meh.
After a few minutes, we parted ways, she to find more school supplies, me to float three inches off the ground towards the register. I smiled smugly, but eventually my internal squeals weren’t enough. I looked over at Mikey.
“Mikey, did you see that nice woman talking to mama?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“Did you hear what she said?”
“No.”
“Oh, well she said I was a good writer and that she likes my blog.”
“Okay, mama.” He darted in front of me and allowed the heavy door to the womens’ bathroom to crash into the front of my cart. My ego would not be deterred.
“Right, well, did you know mama writes? And that I write about you and Nicholas and daddy and the stuff we do?”
“Uh…” We walked into the stall together. Despite my pique at the fact he didn’t recognize my celebrity, I let him go first.
“Well, it’s true,” I said as I settled in to take my turn, thankful I was wearing a long tunic. “What do you think?”
“Wow, mama,” Mikey said, eyeballing my covert moves, “I think your bottom is really big.”
Perhaps, but not nearly as big as my head.
I think this is one of my favorite posts on your site, ever. Love your writing! :)
If you came to my door right now you’d find me in a plaid flannel men’s robe, unshowered, watching the View. Thinking a shower at noon should have some kind of brunchy name.
LOVE this post. Please move your computer so I can stop having sympathy anxiety attacks.
Yup, it was funny and worth hanging around to read while you worked on getting the site back up. You can always count on the kids to knock you right back to reality huh?
Lol! Your little ones are SO adorable!!!!
P.S. “Holy out of body experiences, Batman!” – You are too cute!!!
Have a lovely day,
xo
BRAVO!!! Great writing, I loved it!!
if you wrote a book I would HAVE to read it… absolutely amazing post !! You always know how to make me smile
Hilarious! I laughed out loud. It reminded me of my daughter grabbing my stomach fat and in a baby voice saying “Aww I love your chubby tummy.” Nothing brings you back to reality like a swift kick in the pants from your kids.
I love Mikey!
The window to our study is huge and looks directly out on our front porch. I like the light but it’s hard to hide.
Yep. This one is certainly one of my favorites. I lost it when I read, “untethered primate teats…”
That was my favorite part, too! I’m pretty sure I barked out loud :)
Same here! I catch up on blogs late at night as the hubby sleeps across the room. I literally slapped my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing out loud and waking him!
Can I come stalk you please? You are adorable, even as a hot meh. It’s real. It’s honest. And that’s what makes me <3 you dearly.
So funny! I hate getting caught with no bra on at home. It is mortifying. And I always feel like my covert moves to cover them always draw more attention.
I’m going to have to start going to the Orange County Ikea instead of the Covina one so I could run into you too! Er…is that called stalking?
Actually, the Covina and Costa Mesa stores are exactly in the middle for me. I’ve been to the Covina store! I don’t like that underground parking. I get lost. No surprise there.
Hi Jules,
This is Lesly from the fateful Ikea meeting. Just to let you know, you looked beautiful that day. I kept thinking damn I look like I have on that mommy uniform Jules wrote about. Why did I have to wear my hair in a bun today??? I was so nervous to introduce myself, but wanted you to know what an impact your words have. I walked away thinking you are just as warm, funny, and down to earth in person as you are in your blog. P.S. my 6 year old twins love to give me “compliments” too! Thanks for making my day.
Lesly! Hi! And with a Y, too. I’ll have to change my post and title. It was GREAT meeting you. I’m glad I didn’t look like too much of a dork. :)
I love you!
I have an extremely hard time believing that your gorgeous hair ever looks like a hot mess. I totally believe Lesly – I bet you looked beautiful.
Love this post! I have recently found your blog and {of course} love everything about it. You are a wonderful writer!! I can’t wait to see what tomorrow holds!!! Heather
ha!
OMG, I just let out the most crazy laugh at the end of your post with Mikey’s comment. There is nothing like having your own child bringing you back to Earth. But, I have to say – celebrity! ;-)
Oh, gosh! NOT a celebrity–even though I said that in the post. That’s just my dry/sarcastic humor. Not that I have to worry about getting a big head with Mikey around. :/
Now that, my friend, was some good times …
1. I totally must have missed the Real Simple post. Congrats! You ARE quite the celebrity.
2. For the very reasons you stated above I always, always put on a bra even on pj days. Your recap is the exact reason why. Not sure I could have played it off as gracefully as you did.
3. As I mentioned before, you are a great writer. This entire post was hilarious. I literally laughed out loud several times.
Kudos Jules!
Once upon a time I never even checked the mail without makeup and rockstar hair. Fastfoward a few decades and I’m running errands one afternoon, absently rubbing my face and thinking “Wow, my skin feels kind of weird.” I had forgotten to wash my face. Like, all day. And I have the kind of skin that only needs moisturizer in the depths of February. So gross. And embarrassing. And I’m sure any nearby child would have been glad to point out that I have a big bottom in addition to oil skin!
maybe your BEST POST ever!!!!!!
Wow. I wasn’t expecting so many people to put this post in the PFF top five! Is it because I used the word teats? It’s a funny word, I’ll grant you that. ;)
that is exactly why is it your best writing ever, also because you are sharing something soooooo real, and common to all mommies!! (hiding out, not wearing a bra, messy hair….)
oh, and butt size too, really you said it all.
I love the imagery of your boobs dragging lines into the ground. Too funny:-)! I, too, as a stay-at-home mom, often find myself in pj’s (covered in spit-up, no less), messy hair, and no makeup in the early afternoon and have thought just how horrendous it would be if someone came to the door. My plan if this happens is to hide under the couch. Even if they can see me from the front door:-).
Jules,
I can not tell you how jealous I am of Lesly. I am her dear friend, we work together and love each other so much that we had our children the same time. I have never been jealous of Lesly, not even when I was pregnant and she called to tell me she was too, and with twins. BUT, the phone call that came from her after you walked away made me kick myself in the butt for not going with her. We are huge fans!!….she said “not a stalker” but I have to admit we kept seeing the Weight Watchers you attended and describes with a Del Taco or Taco Bell near it and I found it, meaning, I knew where you lived (area wise). You became even more human to us. Anyway, I got over the jealousy and was just damn glad I was such close friends with Lesly, the one who met and talked to THE JULES.
Then again today….I get a text…”Jules wrote about me.:” I figured you said you met this lovely lady and kids at Ikea and she was wishing it was her….But I will be a monkey’s uncle, it was about her. It was titled “Lesly”. Damn I am going to have Lesly buy a lotto ticket. She is lucky. I tried to share this with my hubby, but he just doesn’t get it.
I do! Please never stop writing,. You inspire, understand,justify and make me feel more like a wife, a mother and one who fights the weight daily.
Thank you so much for being you … (( and yeah we want to meet for coffee, or diet coke and a brownie))
H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S. I think the word teats put this post over the edge in the comedy department. You can certainly turn a phrase.
OK, I snorted and laughed LOUD while reading this post. Not laughing at you of course, but in sympathy because that would happen to me. As I write this, I am back from the gym, looking like hell, and I decided that I would make The Pioneer Woman’s Cauliflower soup before I shower…so now my house smells like a dirty diaper (LOVE those cruciferous veggies but they do stink up the house). Thanks for this post!
This post is so funny! I have to comment because just today, I was forced to answer my door at 11:30 while wearing my PJ’s. To top it off, the pajama pants I was wearing were thermal pants (or long johns as we call them–they were pink with purple radios on them, haha!) and I was still wearing my glasses. Glasses that desperately need to be replaced since the lenses are scratched and one ear is almost about to fall off (so they sit on my face crooked). And I may have had dried zit cream on my face. Luckily I did take a moment to throw on a fleece jacket before I answered so the FedEx guy couldn’t tell I wasn’t wearing a bra. Unfortunately I had to sign for the package, otherwise there is no way in HELL I would have opened that door.
And kudos to Lesly for having the courage to actually talk to you! I’m always impressed by people who can do that!
No way. Mikey truly said that? What a guy!!!!! LOL Haley asks me why my tummy is so fat. :/ Nice. Thanks.
That’s so neat that you met someone who reads your blog. Save for my mom I don’t know anyone who reads mine. LOL (J/k there are a few people I know who read it, but no one comes up to ME in Ikea–ok, we don’t have Ikea–and tells me my blog is really inspirational and enjoyable)
Oh, and really? Untethered primate teats??? There is no thesaurus that would have that as a synonym for breasts…so that has to be original!!!!!
I rarely use a thesaurus. Let’s not forget, I used to read the animal encyclopedia for fun as a child. I’ve been holding onto that word for a while now just waiting for the opportunity to use it. ;)
I keep an oversized sweater-y thing near my door for just such lazy mornings! Anyway, most women have been there, and I’m sure a neighbor making door-to-door rounds for charity won’t judge…. ;)
And thank goodness for that Real Simple mention, because that’s how I found you!
Really?! That’s neat. :)
I kept hitting “mark as unread” this week, because I knew this post was gonna be a good one.
Maybe I find it particularly funny, today, because I didn’t bother to get dressed. Why? For the second time in 4 months, my stepbrother was out of town. No chance of 22 year old boys seeing me without makeup.
You know who was here? My husband.
Priorities. ;-)
LOVE this post! Just found it, six months late, and I couldn’t stop laughing. It’s such sweet relief to know that I’m not the only one who has these kinds of experiences. Definitely one of my favorite posts…love your blog. It makes me smile, even on the days when I’m a HOT MESS. Thanks!