When I visit my inlaws, I am always assigned dessert duty.� The same holds true with my family.� I’m not afraid to bake anything, although my pie crusts could be flakier.� Baking is all about following instructions (the primary reason while all the women on either side of the family hate it) and there is nothing this regimented, analytical, ticking time-bomb does better than following the rules.� The recipe calls for� 210 grams of flour?� Let me go tare my digital scale!� Stir in a counter-clockwise motion every 7 minutes for the next two hours?� Don’t mind if I do!
I’m adept enough at baking (following instructions) that, like a decompensating serial killer, I’m starting to get careless.� Sloppy.� Overly confident of my skills.� Which is exactly why I volunteered to make a Boston Cream Cheesecake (a cake with with 8 + hours prep and bake time) four hours before we were supposed to show up at my inlaws on Saturday.
No, really.� It could have totally worked.� Here’s what I was thinking.� The cheesecake needs a minimum of 4 hours to cool in the fridge.� Preferably overnight.� And, yes, I have only ever made it so that it sets up overnight nice and cold,� but the recipe clearly states 4 hours as a starting point.� Two-ish hours at my house, two-ish hours at my inlaws.� See?� Four hours.� I was thinking maybe all these years I was being a little persnickety having it sit for 24 hours.
Not being persnickety.
I needed every minute of those 24 hours.� Of course, maybe time would have been on my side if I didn’t decide on Saturday to morph into Joost Elffers with the ingredients.
Really?
Look!� It’s like Orla Kiely’s stem pattern, except absolutely not at all.
I don’t even know what to say.
Part of my arrogance came from the fact that yellow cake mix was involved.� I mean, how hard is it to bake from a mix, am I right?� It’s very easy, if you follow the recipe.� You see, the recipe calls for a 9 oz box of cake mix.� I used a 15 oz box of cake mix, a detail I neglected to notice until the cake was in the oven for 20 minutes and fast approaching King Kong height.� So I did what anyone with less than two hours to bake and chill a four-hour cake would do.� I slit the top and poured half of the batter in the sink, taking care to melt the skin off my hands only twice.
Some parts were raw, some parts were cooked; it was a free-for-all.� I tried to distribute the raw batter along the top but the cake was only raw in the dead center, like a bulls-eye of FAIL.� That’s when I decided to kind of chop the cake up in little squares (is it a cake? is it a trifle? who cares!) and mush it all together for another twenty minutes in the oven.� I figured the cream cheese layer would hide the topography.
The cheesecake portion actually went as planned.
The first batch of chocolate ganache didn’t go as planned and bore a remarkable resemblance to Kingsford Charcoal.
The second batch was okay, but by that time I was ready to run the beaters in my hair.
Normally you pour the ganache over an already cooled cake that is still wearing its springform ring. I was short on time and decided to pour the ganache over the cake.� Don’t do that.
It looked pretty enough, but the heat of the cake melted the chocolate and it eventually pooled a bit around the cake.� If you have the time (ha!) let the cake and ganache set up overnight in the fridge with the springform pan still in place.� When you remove the ring THE FOLLOWING MORNING, the cake will have a lovely cake-cheesecake-chocolate layered effect.
Then it was time to take pictures.� Oh, the pictures.� I had been running around like Chicken Little for nearly two hours.� I pulled my hair in a ponytail and started barking orders at The Mister to help me, which was awesome, you know, to try an art direct someone who won’t stop and ask for directions.
My guidelines:� Don’t make me look fat and focus on the cake.� As predicted, the process went seamlessly.
- Where are my feet?
- Negative 2,000 points for managing to make my thighs look like mighty Oaks.
This is not a picture of a cheesecake, The Mister.� Negative 1500 points.
We only took pictures for five minutes, but after two hours of cake hell, I was fading fast.� My back was especially starting to ache.� I told The Mister I was going to slouch my spine, rest the cake on my stomach, and put all my weight on the foot that didn’t feel broken.� My only request?� Don’t take a picture until my cardigan completely slides up under my boobs like a magic carpet ride.
Bingo!
This is around the time I said, “FOCUS ON THE @(*#&@!! CHEESECAKE!” with all the love of Jesus in my heart.
And since it looked like I was going to toss the cake in the bushes and push him after it, he did.
BOSTON CREAM CHEESECAKEIngredients:
1. Grease bottom of 9-inch springform pan. Prepare cake batter as directed on package; pour into prepared pan. Bake at 325 degrees F for 25 minutes if using a silver springform pan. (Bake at 300 degrees F for 20 minutes if using a dark nonstick springform pan.) Cool. 2. Beat cream cheese, granulated sugar and 1 tsp. of the vanilla in large bowl with electric mixer on medium speed until well blended. Add sour cream; mix well. Add eggs, 1 at a time, mixing on low speed after each addition just until blended. Pour over cake layer in pan. 3. Bake at 325 degrees F for 40 to 45 minutes or until center is almost set if using a silver springform pan. (Bake at 300 degrees F for 40 to 45 minutes or until center is almost set if using a dark nonstick springform pan.) Run knife or metal spatula around rim of pan to loosen cake; cool before removing rim of pan or leave it on if you want the chocolate to stay on top of the cake and not drizzle down the sides. 4. Place chocolate, milk and butter in medium microwavable bowl. Microwave on HIGH 1 minute or until butter is melted. Stir until chocolate is completely melted. Add powdered sugar and remaining 1 tsp. vanilla; mix well. Pour over cooled cheesecake. Refrigerate 4 hours or overnight.� Remove ring before serving if you haven’t already.
Well that was just the best recipe post EVER! Let’s all say it together … Good times … good times …
You are beyond hilarious. And the cheesecake turned out beautiful!
it looked beautiful! and how did it taste? did you even want to go near it after all that? :) btw – i say we all get those same yellow slides!
I can’t stop laughing. I wanted to see your feet, because I caught a little glimpse of your shoes and they looked a-door-ble! Oh yes, the cake turned out beautiful too.
Hahaha! This made my morning; the pics are hilarious to me because my boyfriend tends to take very similar ones of me:) The cake looks beautiful; I like the ganache flowing over the sides!
Unlike the captions on your pictures suggest, I think you always look fantastic. Where do you shop? You’re curvaceous like I am and I can never find anything I like. It seems like all the stores that cater to curvy girls either sell clothes that are hoochie or dowdy. You always look fabulous and put together, so please, enlighten me where to find these treasures! Oh, and the cake looks good too!
I really enjoy reading your blog. It makes me laugh out loud. Your cake turned out pretty darn good considering…
tears. i have actual tears coming from my eyes this is so incredibly laugh out loud funny – and i’m sitting by myself on an airplane right now, so your laugh out loud funny is making the folks around me whisper … but i so don’t care. oh my god, your photo captions … pure genius! lmao …
and btw, the cake looks amazing!
Dying. I am dying right now. I think my boss is going to come down to my office to find out what the ruckus is all about.
hahah I love that you posted the fail photos, and I also love that your blog-photo experience sounds much like my own. Whenever I trust my boyfriend with the photography, disaster always ensues. It’s not even that he’s a bad photographer….he just doesn’t know exactly what I want (ugh, men). Also I love your cheery yellow cardigan and necklace! I’m glad your hubby missed a couple shots of the cake so we were able to sneak a peak =) I hope the cake turned out! (it looks delicious)
@ Bink and Boo–those are the “Lucy” by Bandolino. They are super comfortable and on clearance.
@ Sarah–I shop anywhere there is a sale and can fit my melons. (I always have to buy a size up to accommodate the twins, unfortunately.)
The jean skirt is Old Navy and I almost did a post about it in October (Nicole recommended it to me) because it is the best skirt ever. Of course I can’t find it on the site. The cardigan is from Macy’s. In fact, I think it’s Charter Club, which is the chicest brand anywhere…if you’re in the market for a good pair of culottes. The tank is Lane Bryant. I love them because they are LONG. I am very long waisted and after a couple of washes most tank tops will shrink too much for me to layer.
Oh my, this was beyond wonderful I am beaming at the screen!
Sooo hilarious! I couldn’t stop laughing. Until I got to the last pictures and, like others, I was in awe of the cutest outfit ever. I love it!
Best recipe post… ever.
Cheese cake looks yum despite the disastrous journey, and I am loving the yellow cardi.
Jules-as always, you.crack.me.up.
and can I just say that you have really improved on something…your willingness to be photographed and post said photos. i can remember when there were only like 2 belly pics of MJSMama (wasn’t your username close to that??). You are so cute….and that necklace!!! Agh! I love it! I have accessory envy. Uh oh…forgot to blog about that one. Oh. No I didn’t…it’ falls under “style” I think…
oh I don’t even know where to start. you crack me up!
WAS IT GOOD????
You really rock the yellow, woman. It makes me think my olive skin might do ok with some yellow.
Cara–I’m so glad you noticed! It was one of my New Year’s resolutions to be more open and accepting of my figure. One of the things I have done is to stop waiting until I am the “perfect weight” to buy cute clothes. Not that I am buying cute clothes left and right with my budget. I try to buy key pieces that are fun (yellow shoes) but can be worn again and again. I don’t know exactly what I am doing, but I am learning as I go along.
JJ–everyone liked it. I thought it was okay. I’ve definitely made it better. Better meaning cooked all the way through.
This is hilarious. I am so glad that I am not the only one who never gives herself enough time to do anything and then wonders why she arrives to gatherings sweaty, irritated, and with a slightly undercooked dish. BUT mine always look gross….your’s looks delicious!
I was expecting the picture to be a gigantic pile of crap and yet it is beautimous! All of my baking sounds like your story but none of my pictures look like yours.
Man, I dig those shoes–where did you get them? So cute but not a super high heel.
Nevermind on the shoes–I just read all of the comments.
Also, I laughed at your comments of your husband taking pictures of you. I always tell mine “Make me look young and skinny!!!” and yet, he never does. He must be blinded by love because he always thinks the pictures look good. I recoil in horror when I see them.
Men!
Crap, I am dying laughing!
My husband can’t even zoom with our camera. I get so pissed telling him what to do, my nine year old takes better photographs than he does.
Cake looks hot and I love your sweater and necklace!
What a fun post. I can’t stop laughing. Thanks – I needed this today.
Love that wonderful blue ring.
This is too funny. So I’m not the only one who acts like a tyrannical dictator while her husband rolls his eyes behind the camera? Excellent.
p.s. Do you have a max number of comments you can receive on your posts? Because I keep trying to leave a comment on the Money post, but it won’t publish it. Anyway, here’s what I said:
The blogger with the book deal that I was referring to earlier is Michelle at http://theunderweardrawer.blogspot.com
(I replied to your email but just noticed that for some reason it bounced back to me. Maybe your email host thought I was spam?)
p.s. I replied to your email, but for some reason it got bounced back to me. Maybe your email host thinks I am spam?
i’ve never mentioned this, but i love you. your words … golly, we should be neighbors and best friends. except for my aversion to heat and deserts … that will make neighbor-ship tricky. care to move to minnesota?
I think this is the funniest post I have ever read on someones blog!! I really needed a good silly laugh! You sound like me…and the my favorite part that still has me giggling is the magic carpet riding sweater!!
@Michele–but it’s a dry heat! ;) I’m afraid I can’t move to Minnesota. I can’t handle the cold! :)
Thank you for this post! I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time! I love your blog. I think you are classy and awesome. And speaking as a practicing attorney, I have to say I totally admire you for escaping!!!!