Some people long for wealth.� Or fame.� Or true, everlasting love.� I just want to face a camera head on without fear of double chins.� Granted, even thin people have double chins.� My best friend was once married to a man with a chin so weak that no amount of diet or exercise could chisel that jaw line into anything more defined than a turkey wattle.� It turns out his weak chin reflected an even weaker character, so the fact his face resembles a plate of flan pleases me to no end.
I, on the other hand, have no desire to look like custard.� So after years of study, I have perfected the art of hiding my double chin.� A talent many of you have witnessed first hand.� The techniques are simple, but work best when you are either taking the picture or comfortable enough to tell the person taking the picture what to do.
Technique #1: Lose weight.� This technique sucks, is rarely any fun, and is impossibly� hard.� But, it’s also the most effective.� Le sigh.
Technique #2: Hide it.� This is where you hide your double chin behind any number of props, including, but not limited to, hands, cameras, turtlenecks, small children, and your husband’s shoulder.
Technique #3: Crop it. Seriously, pull the camera in tight. Conversely, take a regular picture and then crop it with photo-editing software. Either way, get in real close and get rid of that wiggly beast.
Technique #4: Lift it. Stand next to tall people. Lift your chin up just so, as if you are trying to help out the composition of the picture by positioning yourself more in line with the rest of the subjects in the photograph. You’re not, of course. The only composition you care about is the adipose tissue dangling from your jaw.
{Me and The Mister, at my brother’s wedding, before I lost 40 pounds.}
Technique #5: Position it. This is a hard one, but one that when done well, can fool a lot of people. If you do it often enough, you can even fool yourself, a disappointing truth that becomes apparent when you see candid pictures of yourself at a baseball game and all you can think is, really? Damn.
So. If you are taking the picture of yourself, with or without a tripod, position the camera at slightly above eye level. Forehead level is best. Then, every so slightly point the camera down so that the aperture of the lens is pointing at the spot right between your eyebrows. It will be a subtle shift, but necessary if you want your entire face in the shot. Next, more positioning. Drop your chin slightly, push your shoulders back just a touch, and elongate your neck as best you can without looking like an invitation to vampire. All of this is easier to do from the side, by the way.
These techniques are guaranteed to swipe ten pounds off your face. When you consider the camera also adds ten pounds, it’s a bit of a wash, but let’s not think about that. Occasionally, the techniques don’t work, or aren’t enough to combat your natural tendency to look ridiculous. Case in point:
Problems: Hair is wonky. Shoulders scrunched from trying to contain wild dingos. Chin tucked very, very low in an effort to position face closer to said dingos. Smile is plastered on, and looks every so slightly defeated. Camera is positioned dead center, aimed at nose.
Solutions: Edit the crap out of it on Picnik. Increase the exposure. Take down the highlights. Add a 1960s effect to the image. Try taking picture again.
Problems: Hair. Still wonky. Teeth appear bucked thanks to talking through smile at person holding the camera. Camera still pointed at nose, which is looking downright bulbous thanks to your habit of scrunching it up when you smile like a bunny sniffing the wind for predators.� Still wrangling dingos. Grip on dingos too tight, pushing up hovercraft boobs high enough to create two additional chins.
Solution: Edit, edit, edit. And laugh. And realize with trepidation that you will one day look at this picture and think you look young, and that in the end a little double chin isn’t that big a deal.
“face resembles a plate of flan”…. way to kind and generous.
I so think a weak chin reflects an even weaker sense of character – just my opionion.
Love you a ton.
HAHA!!!! FORGOT THAT THE PIC WAS STILL THERE.
FLAN FACE FOR ALL TO SEE.
HAHAHA! I forgot, too! Take that, custard boy. ;)
Jules, you really and truly crack me up!!! Great post! I am personally a big fan of resting the hand ever so slightly under the chin to eliminate any worry :)
I read this post on Pioneer Woman awhile back and it really stayed with me… I love the picture of you and your beautiful family!
http://thepioneerwoman.com/photography/2009/05/snap-out-of-it/
Yep, I read that one, too. I think about it every time I want to delete a picture–which is everyday. :)
All techniques I employ whenever I can!!! I thought it was a funny post but the first few comments were even better :)
I am in stitches!!! I love that I am reading this post and eating dinner – haagen-dazs caramel cone. Technique #1 just isn’t for me. Guess I will be working on perfecting the other four.
This post was some good times! I’ll have to work on these techniques. Though, as you mention, sometimes it’s just not working for ya. A friend and I were getting our pictures taken at the theatre a couple weekends ago – and the girl taking the pic squatted down. We were mortified to think she was taking it from the angle of our chins! So she’s looking up … and we’re looking up, trying to pull the multiple necks together … yeah, it wasn’t pretty. But we did laugh. So. There’s that.
Jules, honey, you’ve just quantified all the naughty little tricks for evading “doob-luh-chin” foto veritee (I’d put that fancy little French comma on top of that e for effect if I knew how!), hooray.
If I see a person shorter than me approaching with a camera I run! Or I sit involuntarily. I’ve been known to plop down on the floor just so I could look UP at the photographer. My Mom is one of the most awful culprits of catching me before I’ve had a chance to “assume the sitting position”, that naughty wee lady. I had an awful run-in with my friend’s filipino aunt’s this weekend at his birthday party: there were five of them and they all had cameras on their wrists! Facebook is full of wonky picture landmines this week. Ugh.
Really great eyebrows (which you have) also help. Arched brows, NEVER round, for round faces! I would recommend professional eyebrow tweaking over salon hair cuts any day if faced with cutting back on beauty expenses.
Asymetrical haircuts, too, forgot about that one. Sideswept bangs are a cherub-faced girl’s best friend.
Squatted down! I would have told her immediately to pick herself up off the ground–or I would have dropped to the floor myself to get a downward angle. ;)
Vanessa–the thought of a roving band of filipino ladies with cameras is hilarious, until I consider the damage they can cause with a simple click.
I agree with the arched eyebrows and sideswept bangs. As you know, I rock both out of necessity.
Hahaha…way to funny !!!! I personally think just lather up that chin with Preparation H, take a pic and see how it worked…LOL
P.S. I was born in Cuba and flan is one of our must have in fridge for company or dessert.
gosh will I ever look at flan again and not think about my chin?? too funny ;)
You had me at wild dingos. I actually laughed out loud.
xo,
s
i have a friend who has literally PERFECTED the art of taking a good picture. she has an innate sense of when a camera is around as well so she snaps to whenever someone takes a picture. HA…snaps to! i didn’t even mean to do that! that’s my trick: hide my double chin behind a rapier wit.
Ha! :) If only a rapier wit could slice that jiggly beast right off, eh?
LOL Too funny! :o)
I’m too distracted by your incredibly perfect eyebrows to notice any chins!
Love the post, but I think every picture of you is gorgeous!! You have nothing at all to worry about!
I would keep my chin(s) if I could have your beautiful skin.
(well, not YOURS…that’s just creepy)
This was too funny, because it’s the exact way I think! But I have to tell you, it really is true that we are SO critical of ourselves, because you look beautiful to me. There are so few of us that look superstar perfect. In fact as I was people watching the other day as hundreds walked by, I noted that NONE had a perfect supermodel/movie star figure or face. None!
Anyway, I could go on and on about the pursuit of perfection, but the bottom line here, and honestly, you really do have a lovely face!
oh my!!! you made some long, deep serious thinking here!!
btw, as an eyebrows-obsessed person, can i tell you i would kill for yours? they are just PERFECTION!! and i know as much on that subject as you do on the double chin concelling!
xxx
Only problem with tilting the camera down to miss the chin is you accentuate a nose rather well. And mine is ‘Roman’. Hilarious post. Great blog.
Wow, that picture of you at the wedding is gorgeous! You look so put-together.
Me, no matter how much I actually did prepare, I somehow manage to look shocked and stiff at the same time–shocked as in my hair is going in seven directions, and my eyes and teeth are trying to point at each other, but stiff as if I were terrified.
Funny thing is, I like the way I look in real life. I think a large part of the problem is that humans aren’t meant to be captured *still*. The rare, special pictures happen at just the right instant and show that special look that someone has, that unphrasable quality that kind of makes them different from everyone else.
But those pictures are rare. The rest of the time–eh, make do.
I ALWAYS make people take my picture from above lmao and if there is a double chin (I make my hubby or sister if they are taking the picture) RE-TAKE!!!! hilarious my husband curses the day digital cameras were invented…and I <3 that little viewfinder more than anything ;P
I need to learn how to work more with Picnik to get rid of hair problems and double chin problems for those who I can’t seem to get to take that 5th picture lol…
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