I had an appointment with my nutritionist yesterday, and because I couldn’t do it on my own, she helped me come up with a list of every good thing I have done since our last visit. It wasn’t an assignment, no break in the conversation or set aside period of time where I had to write. Let’s just go over the month, she said, and if anything comes up you can write it down while we chat.
It’s the sort of self reflection I loathe and avoid, but that’s the beauty in having an absence of options.
I walked every day; I took care of my family when they were sick; I ate breakfast every day; I ate sitting down, by myself, without reading, three times; I went to bed before midnight quite a few times and slept more than 6 hours several nights in a row. And so on, and so on.
I told her this was all fine and dandy, very Kumbaya, but I wanted a diet. In fact, I needed a diet. I told her I felt like a buoy at sea, directionless without the force of something at my back. She said no, absolutely not, too bad-so sad, out of the question. No.
This must be how Nico feels every time he asks me if he can play Space Angry Birds on my phone.
When questioned, I pointed out what to me seemed obvious. I wanted a diet to control the weight piling on me pound by pound. There are days I feel smothered by flesh, like I’m wearing a shirt one size too small and it keeps riding up. I’m convinced that when not completed ignored, everyone is staring at me with a mixture of disapproval, mild disgust, and pity. It’s a such a shame; she has such a pretty face.
Then other days a guy or two will give me an appreciative side-eye and I’ll feel pretty. The days I feel like that are few and far between, especially now that all I wear are those darn compression running pants, but a diet would fix all that–fix everything–once I find the perfect diet.
I didn’t say any of that because despite my exceptional arguing skills, I couldn’t even make myself believe that one.
Besides, she asked me how much I thought gained the last 6 months and I was busy deciding whether I was going to bolster my argument and tell the truth (but be ashamed) or lower the number and save face (but weaken my argument for a diet). I decided to lie and say I gained 5 pounds. I thought it was closer to 7, maybe 8 pounds since I couldn’t remember what I weighed in August.
I asked her for my starting weight and watched her flip slowly through my chart. She didn’t want to give me my weight, that much I could tell, but whether it was because she knew I was planning to lie or because she was afraid of how I was going to respond, I didn’t know.
She told me my weight and looked at me.
I looked back at her and said, Oh.
She asked me if I gained as much as I thought.
No, I said. I lost two pounds.
Imagine that, she said.
I thought I gained 7 pounds, maybe 8, I said.
Because you have distorted thinking, she said.
I thought about the last few months and how I felt every ounce, how my clothes felt different, how my eating felt out of control, how I felt out of control, how I pulled my shirt out compulsively because I feel it was plastered to my belly (still do). I thought about how I know many people think I’m crazy to abandon dieting–that’s it’s an excuse to be lazy and gluttonous.
You know, she said, that’s two pounds in six months. If you are disappointed, you have to realize a fast weight loss isn’t something you can have–not if you want to live life without an eating disorder. Mindful eating produces slow change, it’s as simple as that.
I sat there thinking.
So, she prompted, you lost two pounds when you thought you gained 8 pounds. What do you think about that?
I tried to put into words what those two pounds meant to me, someone who has been on a diet of one kind or another since she was nine years old. Someone who was quite awesome at dieting until only a handful of years ago. To know I had fried zucchini and ice cream and vegetables and protein and carbohydrates and grains and enough water to float a ship just the way I wanted it and the world didn’t end.
Instead I looked up at her and smiled.
Well, I said. Ho-ly shit.
Holy Shit indeed.
Please stick with this. I have no way of knowing how hard this must be for you (other than the self-criticism- that I can empathise with) but please carry on.
*smile*
yes!
Holy Shit is right. Great job..changing how we think of ourselves is never easy. Thanks so much for sharing your journey. Keep on walking to a healthier mind and the rest will follow
Awesome.
No other word but awesome.
Oh, this made me smile – and think, Yay!!! Press on.
You are pure awesomeness.
:)
Woo Hoo! You rock!
Bravo! You are more beautiful and stronger than you think. :c)
Darn tootin’, Holy Sh*t! {speaking of which, every time I say or write Holy such-n-such I think of the lady who looked at me disdainfully and said, “There is nothing holy about poo-poo” . . . Please. You do not even want to know my answer.}
Seriously though, Jules . . . I love this post. It made me tear up with pride. Love.
Also, I quite love your nutritionist; she’s a keeper.
How can you make me laugh and cry truly at the very same time? Laughing because you’re funny, laughing because I’m happy for you, but tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat as I shy away from thinking about my own issues . You are so brave and I have such admiration for you.
And really? Eating by yourself without reading? What do you DO?
Also, you most definitely DO have a pretty face and I bet the rest of you is pretty too. :)
Wow just wow
Congratulations! Not that you don’t already have a VERY full plate of things you are working on, but I want to encourage you to think about sleeping more. I felt like I have been in a funk for over a year, so this year I decided to do a variation of a happiness project. But with way less work than Gretchen Rubin applied to hers. One thing I have concentrated on is turning the lights off at 10:30. Not just going to bed, but actually turning the lights off. Maybe its also the meditation practice I started, but I have seen a huge turn around in my mood.
Getting plenty of sleep makes my life easier. It’s hard for me (last night I stayed up till 1:00AM reading, as one does) but the pay-off has been worth it. Decision making in general is easier, I bounce back from minor disappointments quicker (rather than ruminating on them for hours – no days) I make better decisions about my food, I drink less (that may actually be a bad thing), and am more likely to get exercise. Frankly, I just plain feel better about myself when I sleep more.
Wonderful! You are amazing. I’m so very happy for you on your accomplishment. In this society of instant gratification, I think you are very brave for sharing your journey: peacefully, mindfully, gradually. It’s really the hardest thing to do.
You are amazing! You’re doing it! Hurrah!! I’m so happy for you- congrats!!!
So awesome! And not just the 2 pounds – but sticking to your goals, trying to make a change in your life – good for you!
Well shit, well done, wellness. What a great journey you’re on, so glad to be joining you on this one trip.
Love it! I am totally smiling for you right now!
Well ha, it looks like my absolutely brilliant comment didn’t show up. Well it gives me a chance to say one more thing, I guess! :) Ages ago in a woman’s magazine (that I think I was reading at the dentist or something) had a great article about body image and how we see ourselves. They had a woman take a picture of herself in a bikini for 30 days, no photoshopping, no changing of exercise or eating habits, no weighing, no professional makeup or lighting. The catch was they had her write down how she felt she looked every day. Some days she said she felt good, others she said she had gained X pounds, her fat rolls were showing, her thighs were rumpled, etc. Now I looked at those pictures for a good 10 minutes, and you know what? She looked exactly the same every single day. The. Same. That article always stuck with me as a good example of how the world sees us very differently than we see ourselves, and both can have life-altering (good and bad) consequences. YOU are awesome and the beautifulness of this post (both the writing and the content) took my breath away. Truly.
I like your nutritionist.
Good for you, Jules. Good for you.
Wow. This took my breath away — both the writing and the huge effort and insight involved in beating an eating disorder and discovering (and learning to get comfortable with) who you are without it. So much love and support to you!
So ecstatic for you, Jules! (I really laughed out loud at the last sentence because that is what I would have said, too!) Your nutritionist sounds amazing.
Well Ho-ly Shit, indeed! *commence Happy Dance* Your nutritionist is the bomb.com! I am so proud of you! Not for losing 2 pounds (duh), but for getting yourself together and working on putting the food anxiety to bed for good.
Thank you for sharing this with us–I am so grateful that you are willing to be so honest. It’s hard to hold up that mirror, but there are lots of us reading who need one too.
Just…so great. Loved reading this post. The brain is a very, very powerful organ, no? For good and for bad. Keep truckin’.
Great job. The understanding of reality over image was a huge thing for me to learn. I used to be super anti weighing myself truly believing that it was how I felt over how much I weighed. But I had the opposite problem is you that I could just put on a looser shirt and be all “I feel sooo skinny” and all of a sudden I had gained 30 pounds. SO now I am more diligent of being AWARE of where I am at instead of just how I am feeling.
YAY You!! And thank you for sharing this. I know this isn’t easy but we are all cheering for you.
This post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing your experience – I identify with so many of the things that you struggle with. Your last post on this subject made me realize that I exercise my control over food in very unhealthy ways. There is no nutritionist in my area that deals with my problem so I called my old therapist and my first appointment is tonight. I know it will be a long process but I think reading about your experience gave the me the awareness that I needed to begin to make a change in myself. Thank you again.
Thanks for sharing Jules! Way to go, keep doing what you do. I been reading your blog for a few weeks but already proud of you ;-)
Also again I have to write this comment especially because I *love* how you write. You have a wonderful voice.
“No, I said. I lost two pounds.”
I would have loved to see the look on your face!
you are awesome. that is all.
i rarely comment, but felt my holy spirit nudge me to say ‘you go girl!’ i hope you feel the encouragement from the interwebs. keep on keepin’ on, as they say!
xoxo
Never comment on this kind of thing, but YOU ARE AWESOME! Yeah for you! Have a super walk today. Breathe and smile!
I really appreciate you writing about this experience. Thank you.
This is awesome. Awesome. !!!!!
I have been faithfully reading your blog for a year but I have never commented before. I can’t explain the joy that this post brought me! Thanks so much for sharing, I am so happy for you!!
Hoping that these experiences will become the start of your book.
bravo, and best wishes from a minnesota reader…
I hope you know how beautiful you are. When you are my age and look back you want to know that you appreciated your strength and youth and beauty!
Just wanted to chime into the chorus of support. You are really doing the hard work, not only in finding and working with what sounds like exactly the right nutritionist, but also in honestly sharing your insights with yourself and this familiar group of stranger/confidants.
BTW, my basic math skills may be challenged by this, but I think this means you lost 10 in 6! ;D
YAY!!
Thank you so much for sharing such a personal journey as this. I am struggling with losing the weight accumulated from four babies in six years. Your posts are such a good reality check for me, I’m learning right along with you!
I love this post! You are awesome. :)
I have nothing to add but a silent, smiling fistbump. You keep rockin, mama.
Brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing this intensely personal journey with your readers. Way to go…keep on walking mama.
What Katie said. Thanks for your willingness to be vulnerable. It’s helping more than you know.
I am so happy I was able to read about your experience. Beautifully written, beautifully said. Its nice to know someone somewhere is a little like me.
Amazing.
Rock on.
I give this post a big fat LIKE. Well written and a beautiful part of your story, Jules.
This is me. I totally live this. Some days are harder than others. On the hard days I remind myself of the times when I was an extraordinary “dieter” (lets just say it – anorexic) and nearly killed myself to be thin… and I still wasn’t happy. I actually had more problems than ever. I remember realizing when my eating disorder was the common denominator – not my weight. I gave up believing that controlling my weight would make me happier… I have gained a lot of weight since then (I can’t lie) but I am also far healthier and happier. I only allow myself to be weighed once a year (at the doctor’s) and I am coming up on my annual appointment next month. Lately, I find my “old voice” peeking through… What if your still the same weight? What if you gained? I remind myself that life is just too short to spend it miserable but thin. Thank you for the words and reminding me that I am not alone.
Bravo!
Keep up the great work.
High five, sistah! :) A first-time reader who LOVED this post.
I totally hear you….TOTALLY. It is such a process, isn’t it? (That even sounds so lame and generic when I write this, but I really do mean it).
Frick. I’m proud of you, and I don’t even know you! :)
You are NOT alone.
Hey Jules! Thought I’d crawl out from under the rock where I’ve been for the last 4 months or so to tell you how encouraging that was and how proud I am of you. I started a sort-of diet in January that has gone pretty well. It’s actually more of a healing the gut type diet. I did it for health reasons, but knew in the back of my mind that I would lose weight like a breastfeeding mother of triplets. Well, that didn’t happen and I found myself wondering if I really cared about my gut health or if I just needed a noble facade to put on my usual I-just-want-to wear-smaller-clothes diet. I’ve only lost a couple of pounds and have felt like that isn’t really a success, but you’ve reminded me that this war is actually in my head. Thanks, and way to go!
High five to you!!! Something similar has happened to me. My clothes fit tighter. I thought people were judging me. I over analyzed EVERY calorie I had. I stressed. I freaked. My dumbass lost a few pounds. I stopped doing that and focused on feeling better. It’s much easier said than done, but it helped. My weight isn’t where I want it to be, but I am working on it and feel good about myself.
I know I am just a random, but you are beautiful. Don’t ever forget that.