I knew how it would end after she woke up alone. I thought this was going to have a shocking ending, something completely unexpected. The reviews were glowing.
The book was predictable from beginning to end. There wasn’t a shadow of doubt in my mind what would happen, which I would share but I’ve always promised spoiler-free reviews. How it happened was disappointing. Lockhart made a lazy plot decision. Too easy, to trite, too boring.
I could see
the ending
from a mile away
and could feel the feels because
there were so many feels
because teenagers feel the feels
nope
That’s the kind of free form poetry that would drop onto the page out of nowhere, usually following the purplest of purple prose to ever purple a page.
Here is the main character telling us how it felt when her dad left her mom for another woman.
Then he pulled out a handgun and shot me in the chest. I was standing on the lawn and I fell. The bullet hole opened wide and my heart rolled out of my rib cage and down into a flower bed. Blood gushed rhythmically from my open wound,
then from my eyes,
my ears,
my mouth.
I think she’s upset.
This overly dramatic steaming mound of purple littered the book. Also, not for nothing, but that’s the most asinine piece of writing I’ve read in a long time. If your heart rolled into a flower bed, your open wound is not pumping, rhythmically or otherwise. It’s gaping.
Here is the main character telling us about a migraine.
A witch has been standing there behind me for some time, waiting for a moment of weakness. She holds an ivory statue of a goose. It is intricately carved. I turn and admire it only for a moment before she swings it with shocking force. It connects, crushing a hole in my forehead. I can feel my bone come loose. The witch swings the statue again and hits above my right ear, smashing my skull. Blow after blow she lands, until tiny flakes of bone litter the bed and mingle with chipped bits of her once-beautiful goose.
Here is the main character telling us about another migraine.
In Europe, I vomited into small buckets and brushed my teeth repeatedly with chalky British toothpaste. I lay prone on the bathroom floors of several museums, feeling the cold tile underneath my cheek as my brain liquefied and seeped out my ear, bubbling. Migraines left my blood spreading across unfamiliar hotel sheets, dripping on the floors, oozing into carpets, soaking through leftover croissants and Italian lace cookies.
I had a migraine on Monday. Here’s how I described it to the Mister when I talked to him that night.
I have a migraine.
Then came the fairytales. The fairytales that tried to give back-story and move the plot forward while attempting to hide from the reader that the main character really just did an obscene amount of telling and not a lot of doing. See above.
Once there was a king with three beautiful daughters.
Every person who loved The Fault in Our Stars will enjoy this book.
Teenagers will adore this book,
but not me
nope
not at all
nope nope nope nope
Best. Review. Ever. I’m just going to go ahead and re-read it because it made me very happy! Oh and PS, I don’t think I’m going to bother reading that book. ;)
STAY AWAY!
Told you so; On Facebook, I told you so. ;)
You sure did. You did, indeed. :)
Can I admit that I was a little excited when I saw at the top of the page that this was YA + you had given it a half-star rating?! I just knew an awesome & hilarious review was to follow :)
Hah! I’m waiting for people to crucify me for hating yet another YA novel.
I’m not gonna lie, I didn’t hate The Fault in Our Stars. It was okay. (However, I started another John Green book–An Abundance of Katherines–and abandoned it quickly. Ugh.) This book sounds dreadfully annoying, and I thank you for the warning.
Was TFiOS the first John Green book you’ve ever read? If so, I can understand why you enjoyed it. I’ve been reading John Green since his debut Looking for Alaska. I thought he was amazing and clever. Then, after every book of his released, I realized every John Green book reads exactly the same.
It was!
I’m just reeling!
All this time, I had no idea migraines were caused by a goose-wielding witch.
LOL! Right?!
And all this time I’ve been avoiding spicy foods. I feel like such an idiot!
I loved The Fault in Our Stars but I HATED this book. I too saw the ending come from a mile away, to the point where I couldn’t understand people who didn’t. I kept hoping she would somehow redeem it with a great twist or amazing character development but that didn’t happen either. Very underwhelming experience.
Right? I couldn’t understand how people were surprised, but maybe I’ve read books like this before and don’t remember? The best one in this genre has to be “Chopsticks.” That was a great, surprising read.
Love this review, Jules! Definitely will not read it now. In fact, I’ll have to check out your 1 star ratings on Goodreads for books to avoid.
My #1 book that I wish I could un-read: The Crimson Petal and the White.
If you ask my friend Kendra, they’re all YA and the best books ever. She teases me about my tastes mercilessly. :)
Confession: I read this twice. A few pages in I already hated the writing style:
“Johnny, he is bounce, effort, and snark.
Mirren, she is sugar, curiosity, and rain.
Gat, he was contemplation and enthusiasm. Ambition and strong coffee. I could have looked at him forever”
What? no kid talks like that. Although, I could see a melodramatic 15 year old eating that up. The constant repetition of “Gat, My Gat”, drove me crazy. I think I was so caught up in hating the writing style that I didn’t see the ending coming. So that’s why I had to re-read it, and yes, it was so obvious the second time around.
I recently read a list matching up YA books to adult books- and it listed this as the YA counterpart to Gone Girl, which I also hated. Makes sense.
Gat, he was contemplation and enthusiasm. Ambition and strong coffee. I could have looked at him forever.�
This is all over the internet (and pinterest) as the BEST WRITING EVER.
You know, so funny you mentioned Gone Girl. That’s exactly what I thought Lockart was trying to recreate as I read it, down to the book sections. Horrible attempt.
I loved the book. I love YA. There are teenagers who feel all the feels and overdramatically state their migraines and heartbreak, and 30/40-somethings mostly wouldn’t (and thank God for that). I thought the twist was crazy and heartbreaking, and of course it was obvious when you look back, but… yeah I liked the book. I’ll read more e. lockhart. I like John Green (though more as a person than an author–though I loved An Abundance of Katherines and TFiOS but I could take or leave the others). I don’t know. One of the reasons I read YA is to remind myself of how chaotic that time of life was (and mine was so not dramatic like a YA novel–but still I remember the feels) so when I talk to my YA friends or more often now the children of my peer friends that it’s a crazy time and if they do something a little off-beat or react in end of the world drama that it does feel that way for them as as a trust adult friend with a bit of experience I can offer a little bit of perspective without invalidating their feelings.
There is YA that goes off the deep end for me–the problem books where the main character makes a few questionable choices and winds up in a prostitution ring addicted to heroin (Crank), books that ridicule religion, more books than I feel comfortable with validate early sexual behavior. (Though it was helpful to have books that processed that in my first year of marriage even though I was firmly in my 20s.) But this wasn’t one of them.
I’ll go stick my fingers in my ears and sing “Shake It Off” at the top of my lungs now. :-)
Hahaha! Isn’t it the worst feeling when someone doesn’t like a book you love? This happens with my mother in-law ALL THE TIME. I pretty much buy her books I know I’ll hate, and that has done wonders for our book sharing relationship. ;)
I actually like that Taylor Swift song, it pains me to admit. Hah!
LOVED THIS post! you had me with the blood on the Italian lace cookies…..this is clearly a book that needs to be in my life! off to the library!
If you love camp, this is for you. You can also make a drinking game off the number of times she says “Gat, my Gat.”
I ordered this to read with you but haven’t yet. Think I’ll pass! My 17yo picked it up and read the inside flap. Then she made fun of me for having it. :). So if there is any possibility that despite the 50 shades of purple you want it for the library or even to give away, let me know and I’ll send it to you.
50 Shades of Purple made me laugh out loud. Thank goodness I was walking to the front office and not in class. :) Thank you very much for the offer, but I will have to pass. The content wouldn’t fly in the school library. The kids, though, would LOVE it. Sigh. ;)
I didn’t love this book, but I didn’t hate it either. While reading (some of the very passages you already highlighted in your review) I kept thinking, ‘trying waaaaaay too hard to be something.’ I saw the ending coming and did have a feeling that this plot device was already used about 15 years ago in a movie with Bruce Willis. AHEM. The word that comes to mind is pretentious. That being said, pretentious and teens? That seemed a suitable match to me. I know a lot of teens that want to feel like something is more than it is (and if it’s not? They will make it that way). I think as a YA book it worked. For adults? It’s fluff. It’s not timeless. It’s not speaking to my heart, but it was a fun little ‘I can read it in a day’ book.
Off subject of We Were Liars, but still on book club picks, I have to tell you that my favorite book choice has been This Is How You Lose Her. I never would have picked it up if not for your choosing it (not on my radar for whatever reason). When we read it I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, but I liked it. It’s stayed with me and I think about it and here we are well over a year later and I’m still thinking about it! There’s someone that wasn’t writing a bunch of pretentious crap. Diaz wrote something real. Thank you for that pick!
Yes, exactly. That’s why I felt it was important to admit that teens will adore this book. I’m thinking of the 8th grade girls at school and HOT DAMN they’d be all over this in a second, waiting on pins and needles for the movie.
(Good luck casting an Indian actor in Hollywhite. Sigh.)
LOL LOL. YEP!!
I LOVE your book reviews. Highlight of my day, for sure.
Agreed!
Thanks! :)
This is the best book review ever in the history of the universe.
At least something came out of the 4 hours I spent reading that book.
What a quinky dink! It took me 4 hours to read the book as well. If it hadn’t been such an easy & quick read, I probably would have shelved it under “Abandoned”.
“If your heart rolled into a flower bed, your open wound is not pumping, rhythmically or otherwise. It�s gaping.”
This made me snort and lol. Now I want to read it because you decreed it so terrible. Yes, I’m that rebellious, even though, I’m 100% sure you are correct. What a review!
Sometimes my friend Kendra and I read books that we know will be so horrible they’re awesome. She beat me, though. She once tried to read the book Pregnesia. Just the cover alone had us in fits of laughter. http://smartbitchestrashybooks.com/blog/pregnesia-by-carla-cassidy-guest-review
I’m sorry that you had to suffer through reading fluff like this but I am so thankful that you did. Another hilarious review, and I know to stay away despite all of the good reviews it has.
STAY AWAY! STAY FAR AWAY! ;)
Glowing or scathing, I love your book reviews.
I have to admit, the scathing ones are more fun to write. ;)
Your review is hilarious.
Still, I enjoyed this book. Sure, it’s melodramatic and overly feely, but I wasn’t bothered because that’s exactly how teenagers are. And even though I feel old most days, I still remember what it was like to be a teen.
Perhaps the writing style comes across more poetic and less ridiculous in audiobook? I think if I had to read “Gat, my Gat” over and over I would get annoyed, but hearing someone read it in a soothing voice was … soothing. ;-)
I finished this book last night, hence the late review.
Apparently, I was the only person who didn’t see the ending coming. I was firmly in the “racist Grandpa finds Gat & Cady doing it on a rock, does something to Cady to preserve family image” camp.
I cried when Cady realized she’d killed the goldens.
Honestly, the prose and EMOTIONS didn’t bother me. It’s a YA book, WRITTEN for YA (as opposed to something like The Book Thief, or Eleanor & Park, which are NOT, IMO). I expect drama- the teens that I find the least realistic are the ones that act, think and speak like adults. Teenage frontal cortexes are still developing, they’re all reaction and invincibility and no planning. EVERYTHING seems like a good idea or a measured response…and then you look back and are horrified at how you acted. Upon reflection, I was an extremely emotional teen, but inwardly, because APPEARANCES ARE IMPORTANT, and WE DON’T ACT THAT WAY IN THIS FAMILY. I’m still rebounding from my teenage years, and I’ve been out of them for over a decade.
It’s entirely possible that I’ve had too much real life in my real life lately, and I’m looking for an escape. Because the idea of reading a book that is essentially “My father left us, and I felt really sad and I cried. I get bad migraines, and have to take Percocet for them. Something bad happened and I don’t remember it” makes me want to gag. Yes, adults go “I have a migraine”, 15 year old kids don’t- the teens I know go “My head is splitting open, my eyeballs are exploding, and I think I might die”. But then again, I’ve been reading a lot about how North American kids are largely expected to be mini-adults, to their detriment, so that is probably colouring how I’m seeing this book.
And, as someone mentioned before (here or on Twitter/Fbook): Popular books aren’t always good. See: 50 Shades.
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