I told him I wasn’t opposed to satellite air and he laughed like I thought he would. It was a laugh laced with affection and disbelief, like he wasn’t surprised to be surprised. But that’s the end of the story instead of the beginning, and it’s best not to get ahead of myself.
I have good hair, for the most part. It’s not trendy, although I did get the Dorothy Hammil in 1982 and the Rachel in 1995. After both I acknowledged that my round face is best framed with loose waves, parted on the right. It’s a hairstyle I’ve had–baring the Rachel incident–since 1990. I recently mixed it up by parting it off center, and I think the result is slimming. Also slimming: losing weight.
My hair is thick and holds a curl, which is good because I don’t like hairspray. I don’t like my hair to move in sections and I have a habit of running my fingers through my hair, something I can’t do with hairspray tangling my fingers in fine webs. I use the smallest amount of spray, if any. In the 1980s, this was bad because it meant I couldn’t tease my bangs to great heights. In the 2010s, this is great because with the exception of page 80 in my senior year book, there aren’t too many embarrassing hairdo pictures of me. Also, it gives me soft hair I can touch or restyle during the day on a whim.
But trendy or traditional, sprayed stiff or hung loose, there are certain rules about good hair. One of the most important stating that on the way to an event of importance rated 5 or above, wind velocity within the traveling cabin shall not exceed level 1 on a Beaufort scale. For the men reading this, the theorem means that when in the car with your significant other, the windows shall remain up and the air conditioning on low, with all vents strategically positioned. Otherwise, several things can happen–all of which will reflect poorly on you.
- The La Brea Tar Pit Phenomenon. Much like a trapped Mastodon foot in a quagmire of prehistoric asphalt, so sits the wayward strand of hair blown onto lips coated with lip gloss. Pulling and dragging is invariably required and, because one annoyance is never enough, the aforementioned hair always drags across the cheeks, creating what looks like tracks belonging to miniature snails.
- The Jenga Effect. When a woman leaves the house with styled hair, she does so with the hope that the hair shall remain in the position in which it was set. Meaning, the curl so artfully tucked over her right eye will remain over her right eye when she arrives at her final destination. Hair, especially soft waves or curls, is like a living game of Jenga. It takes one quick blast of air to upset the balance, bringing the hairstyle crashing about her shoulders like a…lost Jenga game. That’s why it’s called The Jenga Effect. See how that works? What you may not see is an appreciable difference in the hairstyle after the collapse, despite our cries to the contrary. Don’t trust your eyes. Do trust that it’s all ruined, and little will help your case.
- The Blowout. This one touches upon theories discussed above in The Jenga Effect in that a hairstyle is ruined by quick, steady, and/or strong blasts of air. In this case, however, the air has, through repetition or force, straightened out random portions of the woman’s hair, resulting in hair that is both wavy and straight, frizzy and flat. If Mariah Carey barely pulled it off in her Fantasy video, I assure you that we can’t pull it off in reality.
The birthday party we attended on Saturday, the one where we knew only a handful of people and had never before been to the family’s house, rated a solid 5. Consequently, when Nicholas asked for us to roll down the windows on the way there, the Mister held up a hand and said, “Sorry, buddy. I don’t think mama is going to go for it.”
He stilled rolled them down for Nicholas, but only for a minute. I gave him a look that suggested he would be wise to follow his original instincts. Then I told Nicholas that on the way home we could roll down all the windows and stick out heads out like golden retrievers.
“So your hair gets a little windblown,” said the Mister. “Who cares? The party is outside. Isn’t your hair going to get all messed up from the wind within a couple of minutes once we get there?”
“Yes, but that doesn’t matter,” I said, settling into my seat to explain what is obvious to anyone with a drop of estrogen. “Women remember the hair you show up with. All women know that good hair doesn’t last forever, which is why you’re rarely judged for hair during the middle or end of a party.”
“So, no windows down.”
“No windows down.”
“And no air conditioning?”
“Preferably not.”
“But what if it’s hot? That’s ridiculous! Can I at least turn on the air?”
“I’m not opposed to satellite air.”
“Satellite air?! What are you even talking about?”
I fiddled with the air vents, making sure to close them and push them in his direction. “Satellite air is when you turn on the air in the car but close your vents or direct it all towards the seat opposite your position. It cools the car interior while limiting the potential for hairstyle destruction.”
“Now I have heard everything.”
“Probably not.”
Oh Jules, I can relate (as usual because I swear sometimes we’re twins separated at birth). Just this past Friday night, we walked to a neighbor’s house for a Cinco de Mayo party (yes, I know it was May 6th but I didn’t plan the party – just attended). I spent a good 45 minutes scrunching & drying my hair with a diffuser and carefully curling the ends (my hair is thick & wavy, but the ends don’t have a natural curl). He looked at me like I was nuts – “we’re going to be outside with kids running around & a chance of rain. your hair looks fine. let’s go”. Au contraire – my hair and I are going to make a casual, but calculated entrance. We showed up, and wouldn’t you know it, the first person to see us said, “Hi! You two look so cute & relaxed*! Your hair is adorable” – while she gently took her hand and fluffed up the ends of my hair. Mission accomplished – let it rain. :-)
*I might add that we had also just taken a little siesta in the sun after a cocktail on the patio. I’ll also add that our kids are older and we now have time in our lives for weekend siestas and cocktails on the patio. Life is very, very good sometimes. :-)
Au contraire � my hair and I are going to make a casual, but calculated entrance. We showed up, and wouldn�t you know it, the first person to see us said, �Hi! You two look so cute & relaxed*! Your hair is adorable� � while she gently took her hand and fluffed up the ends of my hair. Mission accomplished � let it rain. :-)
Bingo!
+200 points for the phrase “casual but calculated entrance.” Love that.
See, it’s all so very simple. Now, to get such vital information into the hands of men worldwide…
haha! i love it. i have curly hair so i know exactly what you mean. in fact, just the other day after picking up my 3 year old son from school i rolled the windows down to entertain the 18 month old. 3 year old yells, “No! Mommy! it’s going to mess up my hair!!!” hmm. i thought about explaining that we were just going home so it was okay, but i was tired. sigh.
You are such a good writer!
You would think your husband would already understand that he will be 88 years old still learning new things from you.
And with your wit I am waiting for a book!
i know that i’m new to your blog, here. but i am terrified as to what it would be like if i knew you in real life. you seriously crack me up. the dorothy hammil?!? mine turned into this cut that left people thinking i was a boy. and all i could do was stare at my ice-capades program and wonder how my life went so terribly wrong. then the rachel. do i still have the rachel. i’m scared to know. and like you, no pictures exist of me with bad haircuts. because i have a hard and fast rule not to be photographed. the end.
Love this piece! And as someone who only has good hair once or twice a month, I am happy for you that yours is better. I am going to have to remember the term satellite air. :)
�Women remember the hair you show up with. All women know that good hair doesn�t last forever, which is why you�re rarely judged for hair during the middle or end of a party.�
You have just succinctly summed up the difference between men and women. Publish this and parlay this into your own show.
I know of none of these things! I have very curly/kinky hair that is prone to drying up and snapping in half the moment it gets anywhere near a hair dryer. As a result, I don’t own a hair dryer, flat iron, hairspray, or mousse. I have one bottle of ridiculously expensive stuff (I call it hair caviar) and that’s it.
And also? You’re a great writer!
i have absolutely great hair – when i break out the blow dryer and the big round brush. shiny, healthy-looking, and naturally the color of spun gold. wanna know why it looks so great?because i break out the blow dryer maybe once a month! all that styling crap (both tools and products) are hard on your hair. i let it air-dry otherwise, and because i have the right haircut, it still looks pretty good.
and i LOVE driving around with the windows down. i stick my mop in a ponytail and when i get to my destination, i take it down and give it a shake. :)
I never had a term for the air vent trick so I’m stealing satellite air. It still blows my mind that after taking time to straighten my wavy/frizzy hair and apply make up for a night out my boyfriend will say “You look amazing. I like when you straighten your hair.” then get into the car and proceed to either roll down the windows or turn the air conditioning on high because he’s “hot”. Since I don’t want to ever be considered high maintenance and because I’m hot as well the next 5 minutes are then spent trying to artfully dodge the gale forces whipping about my head so to appear relaxed and carefree. My eyes start to water from the pressure quickly smearing my eyeliner, my lips start to sprout a mustache and beard, and my hair tangles enough that the swallows from San Juan Capistrano would feel at ease making their home in my tresses. I finally snap roll up the windows, turn the air to low, close my vents, glare and hiss “I’m wearing lip gloss!” which brings out the wide eyed “My gf’s crazy and might kill me look” in him. The rest of the drive I sit fanning myself with one hand and combing my hair with the other because getting worked up about the air has caused me to sweat and my hair is starting to frizz.
Ahahahahahaha!
“I’m wearing lip gloss!”
Snort.
First of all, I love that photo. Love.
Second, ugh I so understand. But I never thought of the term “satellite air” before. I will now be using that as often as possible.
I am so jealous of people with good hair. My husband is one of them. I have fine, sort of straight but wavy in bits, tuft of fluff at the forehead hair. I can fake it by putting a little effort into my hair�a few products, some strenuous upside-down blow drying, and finally acquiescence�but golly, I just don’t feel like it most of the time. Which is why I can’t do long hair, because I end up pulling it up all the time, and which is also why I’m fierce when it comes to the air flow around my styled hair.
Oh, I’ve missed my Jules fix as life has taken me from my blogs for awhile. LOVE this post, so relate, and I’m going to make my husband read this so he understands the “satellite air”. Thanks for the term! My brother nicknamed me “Hard Hat” in high school because of the hairspray I would use to keep my bangs and hair in place. He would dart out his hand and try to pat my head, which would cause my entire hair to move in one piece. No joke. Wow, what fond memories. Ha! Fortunately, we managed to grow up.
Ahahahaha,,, your husband and my husband should meet and perhaps he could better explain what I am always trying to tell him. Sounds like he has been listening and is still willing to learn!
Btw. Love your writing style. Actually I almost wrote “writing smile” which it kinda is, because I know there is going to be a fabulous ending that is going to make my heart jump or melt. So I sit here with what is probably a very quirky half open mouth smile on my face anxiously awaiting the best part. Of course, the great ending came once more and I blurted out a BWHAHAAHAHA! Just glad no one was around to hear. Thanks for making an ordinary day better.
First, great picture of you. Love the aviators on you. Second, I had never heard the term satellite air so I am also stealing this because I am constantly using the vent air trick, Drives Art crazy because then I end up getting him crazy cold. Anyhow, great post :)
Let me tell you, when aviators came back in style a few years back I was ALL OVER IT. I think they look the best on me (versus other styles) and because I have a razor thin nose (ski jump nose, remember?) I must wear glasses with the little adjustable nose thing. You know what I mean? The thing that’s wire and has the nose cushion thing. Otherwise the glasses slide down my nose constantly. Aviators aren’t really in style right now (I’ve seen a ton of girls with the bug glasses), but I’m over keeping up with what’s in style. I’m not giving them up for a good long while.
As for satellite air, I made it up. It’s what I’ve always called it. Air orbiting around me but not really hitting me. ;)
I’m really diggin this picture of you.
Yeah? I think my lips look weird. Like rubbery chicken thighs or something.
Hi Jules-first time to your blog. I just started blogging myself and have been cruising around reading other people’s blogs and just found yours today. I have to say, “DUDE,” (b/c I call everyone “dude.”) “YOU ROCK!” What an incredible writer you are…I don’t even have any hair and I was laughing out loud reading your post. It’s refreshing to see that the art of writing is still alive….