{8th grade graduation “portrait,” circa 1986}
There are two things you should know about Harvey: he wasn’t always so tall and he is a side hugger. Since we went to different high schools, I have no idea when he surpassed the 5’2 inches of space we shared in 1986. He claims it happened between his sophomore and junior year. Suddenly, like a magic trick, he grew 12 inches and now stands over six feet. As for when he adopted side hugging, that good-natured, shoulder squeezing embrace normally accompanied by a knuckle to the crown and a hearty This guy!, I remain in the dark.
I wore flats to mass on Ash Wednesday. I figured comfort and stability were key if I was going to carry a three year old afraid of strangers down a long aisle so that a stranger could rub him with ashes. Nicholas screamed, kicked, and, when that failed, played possum. As I hoisted a limp Nicholas over my shoulder, I caught sight of Harvey sitting across the church, smirking with the satisfaction known only to parents with all their children in school. We gave each other the universal eyebrow raise that says, Hey, what are you doing here? I’ll meet you outside when mass is finished. Of course I am paraphrasing.
We met outside, me in my flats and he with his height. I looked up, he looked down, and we chit-chatted about our respective spouses and a future couple’s date. We cut the conversation short once Nicholas started pulling wooden crosses out of the grass. Harvey leaned down for a side-hug and I, still talking about our parent’s night out, noticed that my flats would put me nose-first in Harvey’s arm pit with one hearty squeeze. No, thank you.
I adjusted. I lifted my chin as high as it would go and stood on my tippy-tip toes. And as my mouth formed a circle to say the words “so give us a call,” that is when Harvey gave a me a mighty side-squeeze that landed me and my open mouth at the base of his neck.
Time stopped.
Harvey, no doubt recalling skills learned during his six years in the Marine Corps, froze in an instant, carefully assessing the situation for conflict. I was likewise immobilized, and not just because I had both arms pinned to my sides and my chin lodged deep in his clavicle. Stuck as I was, there was nowhere to go. Were I to move my head or mouth, well, that is a nuzzle. Closing my mouth would have been even worse because there is only one way to define an open mouth that closes on a neck. That there is a nibble.
Two years or two seconds later, Harvey released me from his side-hug like a carnival crane dropping a stuffed bear.
Time restarted.
I looked down, he looked down, and we continued to chit-chat about our respective spouses and a future’s couple’s date until Harvey cleared his throat and offered to walk me to my car.
He could have at least bought me dinner and told me he loved me.
Oh my gosh, Jules! LOL!! You poor thing! I would have just ran off to my car or done something else to embarress myself even further! Good job for keeping your cool! :D
Oh dear.
A friend of my husband’s is an actor. While congratulating him after a play one evening, I reached up to kiss him on the cheek…only he wasn’t expecting it, turned to say something to someone, and I ended up kissing him on the neck, too.
Mortified.
You “have” to write a book.
I don’t know when you will find the time, but you will have to.
Eventually you will get to it…I mean it, you really should.
Allison
Jules, seriously, you must add a warning to these things. I’m sitting here, innocently sipping my morning coffee when your humiliating episode struck me hilarious. True, I saw it coming (sadly because it’s happened to me) … but not until AFTER I had a mouthful of coffee. And let’s just admit it, almond parisian cremed coffee coming out of one’s nose at 5:30 in the morning is never pretty.
Oh lord. This one just surpassed the mom with capris-wedged-flip-flops-acrylic-nails story. One of your best, my dear. :-)
I’m sorry. You had me cracking up out loud…my 1.5 year old sitting on my lap started mimicking me. You are flipping hysterical! Thanks for this morning’s dose of laughter!
AH!!!! Hahaha!!! Oh no!
That’s it, you now have to change churches or go into Witness Protection or something.
I hope you both marched back inside for a quickie confession!
Surely it’s the height difference that is the key. It’s the same when I get accidentally brushed on a boob when you are just going in for a handshake.
Somehow stating the obvious keeps it all light. “Hey, you just touched my boob!” gets it over and done with without an annulment or a cigarette.
Damn you Jules! You’re getting more action with Harvey than I’m getting with the guy that I’ve been on six dates with. This is an AWESOME story!
Becky, you are hilarious. And yes, the height difference is key! I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have given a married man a hickey on the church steps if I would have been able to see what was coming. (Literally and figuratively.)
Oy! What a story! Nuzzling outside of church? Now that’s something you don’t see every day. : ) Thanks for the laugh.
You should have whipped out the awkward turtle…It’s the only remedy for moments like these.
Oh my gosh! Ha ha ha. Thank you for sharing your little moment. Eek! I’m all giggly now – not because you deserve to be laughed at, but because we’ve all had those moments where time has stopped, and it’s darn good to realize that we are not alone in this world!!!
Side hugs to you! ;)
Sounds like something that would happen to me. I’m glad it happened to you instead! LOL
Oh goodness there was too much goodness on this, what with the playing possum and wooden cross upheaval then you end with this:
“He could have at least bought me dinner and told me he loved me.”
Oh Lordy….My face is permanently in smile mode ala the Joker…too much…
Damn straight, Miss B.! I put out and if my memory serves me correctly, I deserve at least a hamburger. ;)
Oh My Gosh! Hysterical. Embarrassingly Hysterical.
something like this happened between me and a good friends husband…except it started as air kisses and involved an ear (and a nibble–the HORROR)…totally accidental. i have avoided this couple ever since (thank goodness they live across the pond–and then some). seriously. i get sick just thinking about it.
Oh my! I’m 5’2″ and this could totally happen to me. It has been explained to me by a friend’s husband that side hugging is appropriate when hugging “non-significant other women” (try to say that 5 times, really fast) so as to not come into contact with boobs. Yes, we have weird conversations with our couple friends.
That’s exactly what The Mister said! When I told him about the side-hugging thing he said it’s what guys do to avoid nonmatrimonial boobage.
Amazing. This was fabulous and I love the side hug….hahaha.
I’m a “quick smooch on the cheek” kinda gal with good friends and occasionally have had the quick head turn “ear kiss” thing happen which feels oddly intimate. I always make it so much better with an awkward “Whoops, gotcher ear!”
Anyway. loved this post lady!
peeing. i am seriously peeing. everywhere. laughing and peeing. that’s what i’m doing right now, jules.
this story? needs to be in a book. written by you.
and…go.
xoxo,
laura
I’m so glad to hear I am not alone with the opposite-sex “goodbye” snafu. Seriously, though, what’s with all the ear action? Might I suggest the neck? I find it more sanitary. ;)
My, how he has changed since that photo (while time seems to have stood still for us :-)….. ) My Ash Wednesday mass experience was not nearly as interesting. Very, very funny!
You should know that I’ve emailed this little tale to a ton of friends from college – it might be my most favorite story.
I was involved in a campus ministry where the guys were very cautious about “nonmatrimonal boobage” (as The Mister so eloquently put it) so side hugs abounded. Despite all their best efforts to limit body to body contact, so many of these side hugs resulted in neck/cheek/ear/chest to mouth collisions. I think these guys have now evolved into using the ever so sexy fist bump to ensure as little contact with women as possible as a result.
Did you both enjoy a good cigarette afterwards?
Love. This. Story!
Oh, but it brings brings back mortifying teenage memories of getting tangled in my best friends boyfriend’s jumper after a welcome hug (he was tall and I had braces). I don’t know how I disengaged, escaped …or if the woolly sweater survived my metal bumper bars. HORROR! me laffs now tho…
Lol! Couldn’t have written it better for a sitcom! I know how you feel, though. A couple of years ago, as we were saying goodbye after dinner, I went to kiss one of my married male friends on the cheek, right as he turned his head. You guessed it. Big ol’ Lip Smack.
I couldn’t look him in the eye for a month. Luckily, it blew over. No pun intended.
You make me laugh! I love the way you tell stories!
I’m just catching up on blog-reading and you floored me with this one. I’m trying to laugh silently because the boys are napping (and I need more alone time before they resurface), but it’s a struggle, lemme tell ya. You just crack me up, Dear!
This is awesome!! I’ve had so many of these moments in my life!! It’s soooo good to hear other people’s social disasters!! Thank you thank you for sharing!
hahaha, how wonderfully awkward!! Thanks for sharing :)
oh this made me laugh.