Yesterday I received an email from friend from law school.� She has two kids the same age Mikey and Nico.� I thought she was going to cancel our lunch date for the 3rd of April (turns out she needed to reschedule) but she also told me the firm she works at has a position open and she wants me to apply.� It’s a workman’s comp defense firm (one of the largest in California) and it’s 2.6 miles from my house.� The salary is very, very low, but they pay for my car, insurance, 401k, and all sorts of tempting perks.� All day I was excited, thinking my problems were solved until it hit me that in order for me to do this Nico and Mikey will be in daycare fulltime, most likely 12+ hours a day.
And then the nausea set in.
Then I crunched the numbers, and figured out daycare would take more than 50% of my salary.
Then I thought to ask her what her billable hours requirement* was, and she told me 300 per month.� I did the numbers quickly, and it looks like I would have to work (roughly) 14 billable hours per day in order to meet my 300 hour monthly minimum.� I sent her another email about this, and she confirmed my calculations, saying she bills 10 to 16 hours everyday, but that it is very manageable.
How is a 10 to 16 hour day manageable with two small children?� My friend supports her family, by the way.� Her husband recently started a business that, so far, has not been able to contribute to the family’s income.� She goes to work early, works all day, picks up the kids from daycare, makes the two hours before they go to bed all about them, and then works from her laptop until it’s time to go to bed.
Again, HOW IS THIS MANAGEABLE?� How do those of you who juggle work and family do it?� How do you afford daycare?� How do you do this 5+ days every week and not want to pull your hair out and gouge out your eyes with a mechanical pencil?� This scenario is a very real possibility for me if the Mister does not find a job that paid as well as his previous one.� The thought of subjugating 10-16 hours my life everyday for a firm…for a job…makes me feel claustrophobic and out of control.
And then I feel despondent when I think of the Mister and thousands upon thousands of dads who do this all the time because it’s expected of them.
The only way you should work 10-16 hours a day is if you are doing something you love.� Something you feel passionate about.� Then all those hours would go by like minutes, and you would come home feeling alive, if not fresh and invigorated.� But this isn’t always possible today.� Instead, we get stuck in jobs and career paths that feed our needs but not our souls.� This saddens me.
But what saddens me most of all is, after all this, a part of me is wondering if I should apply for that job.
[*in order to remain employed, attorneys working in firms have billable hours requirements.� This is the number of hours they need to bill within a certain time period.� Not every hour you work can be billed to a client, however, so working 8 hours in one day doesn’t mean you have accrued 8 billable hours.]
This is something I think about on an almost daily basis. How does anyone do this? My husband and I are currently trying for our first child but I still don’t have any idea how we will make it work once it happens- I am just hoping that something falls into place.
We can’t afford for me to stay at home, but day care is astronomical in our area. I have just started my own business on the side that I hope someday will become my full-time job so I can be at home, but I have no idea when that will happen, especially in this economy.
But you are right, thousands, probably millions, of parents are doing this because most households have to have two working parents in order to make ends meet. I have no idea how single parents do it, much less the two parent households. It is frustrating and depressing and I very often find myself wishing it was the 5o’s again- of course then I chastise myself for not appreciating the advancements that women have made in the workforce and all the progress of the feminist movement.
When it comes right down to it though I would be perfectly happy to stay at home and be a house wife and mother. Maybe having something small, something I love to do, on the side just for extra cash. This is something I am almost afraid to admit to most people because they don’t understand why I would throw away my degree and all the hard work to make a career, but to me that is not what life is all about.
It’s something I think about a lot. I stay at home and I feel so lucky to be able to do so. I have friends that work though and I don’t know how they do it. I would feel like I was running everywhere all the time. Leave for work at 7:30 and drop baby off, pick up baby at 5:30 right before daycare closes, two hours for dinner & bath & playing and then bed, and then get everything done you can’t get done during the week. It seems like there should be a better way. But like you, I don’t know the answer. A drastic lifestyle change? I think in our case if the husband lost his job that would be the only answer. It’s strange times, that is for sure.
I’m sorry you have to be making these decisions right now. I wish that life would work out in an easier way that just made sense.
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I totally hear you! I am going through the same kind of internal monologue. It is definitely a head/heart decision. I hope everything works out for you.
I am a lawyer and a mother of two little guys. 300 billable hours a month seems a ridiculously high target to me (I practice on Bay Street in Toronto and 200 hours a month here is more than fine). I have a part time deal and only have to do 100 per month and I am happy with my paycheque and my time with the kids and don’t need a nanny for as many days (not as expensive). Having a nanny is so much nicer than daycare, if you have the option, because there is no rushing your children in the morning and there is something to be said for letting them be in their own environs where they are most comfortable/familiar. Cost wise, I don’t think it is much different when you have two children. It is far less stressful for the parent (and the kids too) than hauling them to and fro would be. I do think opening your own practice is a huge undertaking and would be more inclined to work at a firm where you don’t have to worry about things like accounting, resources, staffing etc… provided you can find somewhere that has a reasonable target/expectations!
Ick. Just–ick. Ick, frick and fuck THAT. I just had a pretty good interview which you’d think would make me happy but driving home I felt sad. I am getting used to spending all day every day with Zoey, and I love it. THAT’S my job.
I am so sorry that we both have to deal with this, as do so many many other women and families.
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Thanks everyone. I think I am going to pass on this opportunity. I spoke with my sister in law, who actually at one point worked on the defense side of workman’s comp. 300 hours is the standard target for these firms (unbelievable!) and she says that it almost killed her. She just had nothing left in her at the end of the day, and that is without her/my brother having kids. She couldn’t imagine how it could be done with children, too.
She ended up quitting and going to another firm w/o the hours requirement, and while she is not happy that she can’t stay home with the baby she will have in September (yet!), she at least is in a reasonably family friendly firm with on site daycare.
Colleen–I have said that 50s comment so many times, I could probably copyright it and call it my own. I laughed when I read what you wrote. :)
I agree with your sister in law, Jules that’s crap. Keep looking something much more swallowable will come along. I am very thankful to have my job (for now anyway) I have no billing requirements and maybe bill 8 hrs a day if I am lucky. I am paid hourly and work 4 days a week. I support my family just barely on this income but it is really worth it. The time spent with my daughter and husband is priceless. Just have to make some sacrafices in other areas, cars, etc. Good luck.
I couldn’t do it. Now that I have been home for a little over a year I can not imagine going back. All that being said, if you have to, to support your family, I get it.
When I read your first post on the events that eventually lead to you being a stay at home mom, I nearly cried. I was pregnant at the time, and I knew that I too would one day love to be a stay at home mom. Now I have a 3 month old that has been in daycare for a month. My hours are not nearly as ludicrous as what you describe. I leave the house at 6am, my husband drops the baby off around 9, and I pick the baby up at 4. He usually doesn’t go to bed until 9, so I get at least 4 hours from the time I get home at 5 to be with my baby. It isn’t enough. It drives me crazy that another woman gets to spend 8 hours a day with my baby while I deal with cranky customers in an industry that is hurting. Right now there is $14K standing between me and my dream of staying home with my child. That is, if we can pay it off by November. Seriously unlikely.
I guess my point is, even though I’m working all day right now while my precious baby is with someone else, I can’t bare to think about how anxious you must feel to go back to working full time after getting to have the most amazing job on the planet.
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I truly feel for these painful decisions. I am a working mom of twins, married, and I started a small business (for my creative side!) and it is a near impossible juggling act. We are not in a position to live off of either one of our incomes and probably won’t be in the near future. What I HAVE learned though, and come to greatly appreciate, is the old cliche that “it takes a village” to raise a child. I am lucky to have family nearby, to have a supportive work environment, and a husband with some flexibility. I think this balance is better for the boys too. When they were younger we had a nanny (yes, only a bit more than the cost of daycare) and it was much easier on us all. Now they are in school and I am hopeful that someday I will be able to adjust my schedule to be an afterschool mom, if not a stay at home mom. In the meantime, I am grateful for the small things, and I try to live in each moment. I was reminded most recently that life does not put things in front of you that you are unable to handle.
I feel like Colleen took the words right out of my mouth! I am anxious to share that I have slowly slipped over to “the dark side” and would actually love to stay home. But what about my degree and my brain, my mother will ask. I don’t really know what to say to her. This is a touchy and tough subject. I hope you find the balance you desire.
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jules – I’m a little late weighing in on your post, but wanted to say that having been a paralegal and business manager for a small law firm for 20 years, 14 billable hours per day is ridiculous! For what it’s worth, I’ll share with you my working/children history. For about 20 years, I worked full-time – through both of my children’s births. They both went to daycare full time. A very good (albeit) very costly daycare. But I always figured that if I could make it through those times, having my career on the other end when my kids didn’t need daycare would be a good thing. We got into a routine of packing things up in the morning; juggling who was picking up the kids. We cherished our weekends and made the most of that time. About 6 years ago, my father became terminally ill and I was spending all my time running between hospice and working for a litigation attorney. After work I’d drive 2 hours to see my father; spend the night on the couch at hospice; wake up at 3:00 am to drive home, shower & get to the courthouse for trial that day. When my father passed away, I quit my job. It was taking a toll on me, my family, my marriage. I took very boring part time job as a life insurance customer service rep and did that for 3 years. It allowed me to put my kids on the bus in the morning and be home when they got off the bus in the afternoon. The pay stunk and the work was boring, but at least I brought home some money. A few years ago, I quit that too and now I run my stationery business from home. My husband is the breadwinner and he travels quite a bit – so I love the flexibility that working from home gives me. Do I wish I maked more money right now? Heck yes. The cost of raising teenagers is so expensive ($450 for driving school, $90 for SAT registration, $300 for goalie soccer camp, $90 for school soccer uniform – the list goes on) So, the point of my story is . . . well I’m not sure I have a point. Other than this: Moms, don’t underestimate the importance of being home for your kids during their teenage years (mine are13 and 17). They NEED you now and the mistakes they might make now have much bigger consequences than they did when they were 3, 4, 5, years old. So, even though I may have missed out on some things while they were little and in daycare, I’m relishing every moment I spend with them as teenagers. :-)
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Oh holy heck Jules! I had no idea what I just wrote was so long. Maybe I should get a diary instead. :-)
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Julie–almost everyone had a long post and I LOVE that. It means that people care about the topic and have a lot to say.
Thank you (everyone) for all you thoughts on the matter. Comments are always welcome, and not just on the day of the post!
I think you are making the right decision in passing up the opportunity. I am also in a billable environment (thankfully not 300 hrs billable) and it isn’t fun to constantly think what you’re going to bill something to. You can’t even take a shit for more than 5 minutes because IT’S NOT BILLABLE! You are SO right that if you are going to sacrifice and spend that much time at your job then it shouldn’t really be a job because it is something you love and are passionate about. Because although you may be able to get through it, should that be enough? I don’t think so. The older I get the more I learn that life is about so much more than just “getting through it.” Hang in there, your silver lining will show itself soon enough.
I’m a lawyer and a mom of two as well – although mine are a little older now (7 & 9). I’ve tried to work at a firm with a high billable requirement when they were babies- I felt like a complete failure at everything – work, marriage, motherhood, because I was so far off the mark in every respect. I now work at a firm run and managed by women. I work far fewer hours and my paycheck is not as big, but it is good. Mind you, I still struggle between being a good mom and a good lawyer (I can be both, but not typically on the same day). There are other models out there – find one that works for you.
Well,
I am glad I am a foreing Service Officer Spouse, for the moment …we are going back to the States in June, and I will have to look for a job that gives me the opportunity to help with the income and also have plenty of time to be with the kids.
I have three children, and it is hard for me to imagine how exhausting must be for parents who work all day, go home and of course give their children some time, but is the time given, quality time? I asked this not with the intention to offend anyone, but by the end of the day I am exhausted, imagine working 14 hours a day?.
Good luck with your decision!
Jules,
I think you soooo made the right choice. It broke my heart to think of Mikey and Nico growing up without you as their momma. And working that many hours every week…that just doesn’t leave time to be a momma. Maybe a mother…We would all lose out. On your unforgettable moments and such. :) Good choice! You are a mommy first and anything else second! (Ok, wife is supposed to come first…but yeah… ;p)
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My sister is a single, childless lawyer (her choice) in D.C. and she works CRAZY hours. Like seven days a week, 14 hours a day. I have no idea how she does it. When she gets home, she usually does work there too.
We just opened another retail shop up and Troy comes with me. Every day. I work from about 9:30 a.m. until 8 p.m. most days, but both of the kids are able to be there. I am lucky in the fact that I do not have to pay for daycare and I get to spend time with them. Some days are very trying, especially with Troy cutting molars and the fact that I have invoices to go over, but I just take one day at a time. My mother lives with us and helps out tremendously. We trade off cleaning and dinner and I know for a fact that I could not do it without her help.
Fingers crossed you find the perfect job.
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WOW. And holy crap.
Ugh. I’ve got no advice for you , Jules, but will be awaiting your decision with curiosity.
Yikes.
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I am so grateful for your blog. Keep writing.