I have the seen the future of the human race on the back of a Betty Crocker Oatmeal Cookie baking mix.� It doesn’t look good.
I normally don’t bake from a mix.� My compulsive, rule loving nature happily follows even the most complicated baking recipes to the letter and, for the most part, everything turns out as it should.� But several weeks ago there was a coupon, a sale, and an impulse buy that lead to a packet of cookie mix next to the tea and rice in the pantry.� With the New Year here, I can’t justify eating cookies much longer, if at all, so I decided tonight to make the cookies and be done with them.
The end of humanity as we know it won’t come from using a mix, per se.� No, the end of humanity will come because, apparently, those who use a mix don’t have two brain cells to rub between their two quickly devolving fingers.� You heat the oven to 375 degrees.� You� mix the dough.� And then?� Then the “recipe” tells you to drop the dough by rounded teaspoons onto the cookie sheets.� Fine.� But wait!� Then.� THEN!� Then you find tucked between parentheses a golden kernal of baking wisdom that only the people at Betty Crocker would know.
(For larger cookies, drop dough by rounded tablespoonfuls.)
Let me repeat that in case the concept is too difficult to grasp after only one read.
(For larger cookies, drop dough by rounded tablespoonfuls.)
Blink.
Blink.
Blink.
To whom are these instructions directed?� I am having trouble imagining a person standing in their kitchen, having made Betty Crocker Oatmeal cookies from the mix, and looking disappointedly at their petite size thinking, “I just…I just…I just wish I could figure out how to make these cookies bigger.”
Is the collective population so devoid of common sense, so lacking in deductive reasoning, that they need someone at Betty Crocker to tell them to use more dough?� Are we all such lemmings that without the “go ahead” to drop dough by the tablespoons we would instead eat gumdrop-sized cookies and suffer silently?
No.� I think not.
I say we do away with these patronizing instructions in hopes of saving the human race.� I don’t want whoever it is who needs this sort of cookie direction to stick one big toe in my gene pool.� I say we eliminate such obvious instruction from the package and let them starve while they search in vain for bigger cookies.� Let them sip coffee that it too hot.� Let them eat food still frozen in the middle.� Let them burn their fingers opening bags of popcorn filled with skin blistering steam.� Let them wrangle with the law of natural selection head on.
This is not so much a call to arms as it is a plea for brains.� Now, who’s with me?
You so need to rent the movie “Idiocracy” it stars Owen Wilson and Maya Rudolph in the future of the world where everything has been so dumbed down that Owen Wilson who is not very intelligent becomes President of the United States and the smartest man on earth because he knows that you can’t make plants grow with Gatorade and other things. It scared my husband and I because it seemed like a warning for what the world is turning into. They even has a show that was referenced in the movie called “Ow My Balls.” Can anyone say “America’s Funniest Videos?” It is a pretty low brow movie, but more of an allegory. Check it out when the boys are in bed.
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LOL, I agree! There are so many stupid instructions/warnings on products these days that it makes you wonder…who is using the brains God gave them!? Glad you’re back!
I agree 110%! I hate those stupid instructions but, then I go out and have to deal with the general public and I understand whoe they are written for. The world is a very scary and dumb place. I don’t want them dipping into my gene pool either.
Toi�s last blog post..It’s the Fever’s Fault
a side question that has nothing to do with anything. what is the name of the fonts used in your banner or headline (not sure of the name)? really like those – nice choice.
Wow! I totally agree! Eliminate the “duh duh” instructions, and let ’em starve on tiny cookies while the rest of us eat comfortably in the company of our braincells.
“�I just�I just�I just wish I could figure out how to make these cookies bigger.�”
This part made me laugh out loud, and now my coworkers is looking at me funny. ;)
Caitlin�s last blog post..Happy New Year!
ahhhaaaa – love it! So wait…. if I make drop the batter with a giant shovel, will I get a giant cookie? yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss nothing would make me happier than a giant cookie right now :)
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Yes.
Ready for my deepest secret? I hate stupid people.
I do love cookies.
I never follow the instructions : ) Even my kids know about using their brains and taking instructions with a grain of salt. Like how I turned it back to food there at the end?
Happy New year!
Darwin has nothing on you toots, you just Johnny one upped him on natural selection. I agree wholeheartedly, although then I would have to eliminate my Fancy. The other day he called me at work in a panic because the door he was painting, well ‘the paint wasn’t paint it was enamel for trim’. ‘Door and it’s jamb considered trim honey’, I cooed, ‘But it’s all streaky and watery,’ he moaned. Then I was afraid to ask, ‘Did you stir the contents?’ Silence. I mentioned that directions were on the can. Crickets. You see Miss Jules, common sense isn’t so common….
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Have you ever watched the comdian Brian Regan? He does this hilarious skit about the instructions on the back of the box- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8kThoZpF_U I think you’d find it hysterical!
Carey@Lasso’d Moon Designs�s last blog post..…a Lazy Blogger Catching Up With My Favorite Holiday Moments
Every time someone comments about stupid directions/warnings and wonders why they are there I say “Because someone needed them.” There are some dumbass people out there and I agree, let them eat little cookies!
Colleen�s last blog post..Progress
oh dear, that is an instructional doozie, although i’m particularly fond of my hair straightener’s tag, which reads “NOT FOR HOUSEHOLD USE IN CANADA.” Can you imagine the mayhem that would result from straight haired canadians with tiny cookies?
hannah�s last blog post..oh please