Stupid BabyCenter

I am sick as a dog with what feels like traffic pylons up my nose. I have slept no more than 6 hours since Sunday because Nicholas has miniature traffic pylons up his nose and, frankly, they just don’t make for a good night’s sleep. I can only assume the plastic from the pylons leaching into my brain is what prompted me to make the asinine decision to check my email. I scrolled through the contents from the carrier pigeon of masochism:

1. Junk Mail [delete]
2. Junk Mail [delete]
3. Forward [delete]
4. Business [put off until tomorrow]
5. Baby Center 15 Month Update: Your 15-Month Old: Week 1 [RED ALERT! RED ALERT! Delete without reading! Nothing good will come from this! DELETE! DELETE!]

Naturally, I read it.

• 90% of toddler are walking by now.

Not mine!

• Talking.

Nope!

• Silly dance routines for attention.

What the???

• Puts finger to mouth and says “shhh.”
  

Who exactly would he be shushing?

Now, I’m not worried. That much. At this age Mikey wasn’t doing any of the these things either, and now his teachers and pediatrician all agree he is a gifted little boy. [Take that Baby Center!] Besides, Nicholas is doing things that are advanced for his age. He “reads” books for months now, talks on the phone, tries to put on his own clothes and socks and shoes, and throws tantrums. He shouldn’t be throwing tantrums for at least another 3 months, but my boy’s advanced!

I’m going to put a positive spin on this. I’ve decided that Nicholas is not a slow learner. If you look at the evidence, you’ll have to agree he is brilliant.

• No walking.

Walking v. Having someone sherpa you around town. The choice seems obvious to me. Then again, I’m a dozen macaroons away from looking like Mazy.

• No talking.

Who needs words? Everything you need to convey can be done with a well timed grin and doe-eye flutter of lashes. Or screaming. Kicking works.

• Silly dance routines for attention.

This is for amateurish toddlers who don’t know how to command attention by grinning, eyelash fluttering, screaming, and/or kicking.

• Puts finger to mouth and says “shhh.”

Why would a screamer let on to knowing this skill? Clearly counterintuitive. Rather than put a finger to his mouth, it makes much more sense to jab those fingers up the nostrils of an admonishing parent. Every good escape plan has a diversion.

So, BabyCenter, you’re going to have to reevaluate your parameters. Maybe include kids who think on their feet as well as walk on them. You can keep talking about the babies who like to dance, but don’t forget the ones who like to orchestrate. And maybe, everyone now and then, celebrate the babies who don’t do well at crafts, but are just plain crafty.