Things That Make Your Throw Up a Little Bit in Your Mouth

Spring is great and all, but I could do without the flying insect infestation. My house is teeming with gnats, mosquito eaters, and these skinny brown things that look like flying finger nail clippings. Disgusting.

I was trying to have a simple adult conversation with the Mister the other day when a gnat flew into my eye. Come on now, really. Where the hell am I, Bali? I live in the desert. Shouldn’t these creatures be harassing people blessed to live near water?

I don’t like flying insects, especially when they try to enter my body via my eye sockets.

Speaking of bugs, I’ve been doing research on dust mites to get a better grip on Mikey’s allergies. Did you know 10 percent of the weight a pillow older than 2 years can be attributed to dust mites and their droppings? No wonder I never feel rested when I wake up in the morning. I’ve been sleeping on bugs and shit. I almost used my Websters Unabridged Dictionary as a pillow last night but realized a lost cause once I read mattresses house anywhere from 100,000 to ten million dust mites. Mites are especially happy when people are on said mattress because according to at least one website, they prefer warm, moist environments. My God.

Oh, and dust mites feed on dead skin cells. I knew that, and you probably did, too. But here’s something I didn’t know. You know all that dust in the air you see when the sun hits it just right? The dust storm that happens usually after making your bed or fluffing your pillows? Yeah, not dust. At any given time, 80% of that flying particulate is your dead skin cells, aka the dust mite all-you-can-eat China Star Buffet.

1. Flying insects
2. Shitty pillows
3. Mites and mattresses
4. Warm, moist environments
5. Skin cell dust storms.

I’m Catholic. All this talk of excrement and body parts and warm, moist environments is enough to give me the vapors. I’m pretty sure the only solution to all of this is to burn the beds and sleep on the floor with plastic sheeting to keep us warm.