Screw you, too.
We’ve been friends for a long time. I loved you when you were Gemco, and if that doesn’t speak of my loyalty I don’t know what does. But, lately you’ve been letting me down.
Take today as a prime example. Last week I dutifully entered your red den of commercialism looking for wrapping paper. This wrapping paper had to wrap presents for my brother-in-law’s 40th birthday and my own brother’s wedding. I didn’t like much of what I saw (we’ll talk about your selection later), but decided on a metallic ring pattern against a white background. I also found some brown ribbon that complemented nicely the copper in the paper. I gave you my money and went home to wrap brother-in-law’s one present. I used ribbon from my own collection for the birthday present, choosing to save your brown ribbon for my brother’s three wedding presents.
Well, low and behold today I sit down to wrap my brother’s three measly, little presents and guess who runs out of paper after wrapping only one present? Now, I’m not a mathematician, but if I wrapped brother-in-law’s present last week, and one of my brother’s presents this week that means the wrapping paper lasted for all of two presents. What the Hell is that?! I was in some sort of denial at first, quickly unwrapping the first present to see if there was a more efficient way to wrap all three presents without having to go out and buy more paper. But, alas, no amount of inventive geometry could hide the fact that I had to go buy more wrapping paper because you are a cheap bastard. And so I did.
And you know what?
By God, if I take the time, with a migraine, to pack up my two sniffling boys and head over to buy more wrapping paper you could at least have the decency to have said wrapping paper in stock! OK, fine. Popular paper is frequently out of stock. Sure, it happens. But how do you explain the 17 rolls of ugly you have in its place? Pink and purple hearts with swirls?! Really? That’s the best you can do? Unacceptable, Target. Unacceptable.
Having no choice but to find something that worked, I settled on a roll of ecru paper. Ecru, which we all know is code for “cream with way too much yellow in it.” Ecru, which is nowhere to be found in my original wrapping paper selection. Ecru, Target. Ecru.
My hands were tied. I had to start combining papers, like some color-blind MacGyver, in hopes of having something presentable to give to my brother and his new wife. You might be wondering, Target, why I didn’t just use the new roll to wrap all three presents. I would have, but your paper is so extraordinarily cheap and thin it kept tearing on the corners of my packages (the ones apparently made of razor blades) leaving me with just enough paper to wrap everything. Thanks, Target. You manged to be both cheap and ugly. Way to go. Behold Exhibit A:
“Well,” I thought, “at least I have the brown ribbon!”
Well played, Target. Well played.
Why did I think a three inch spool would contain more than a yard of ribbon? You think I would have learned from the wrapping paper debacle, but no. I remain an optimist to the end. I have to hand it to you, at least you’re consistent. One roll = two presents. One spool = two presents. Beautiful math, but you still suck.
So there I was, searching the house for a way to multiple ribbon like loaves and fishes except, you know, I’m not Jesus so I can’t perform miracles. Twenty minutes later, I decided what the brown, silver, copper, white, and ecru presents needed was a little gold tulle. I mean, how obvious! Doesn’t that sound lovely? I didn’t think so. At least the lighting today was poor enough that in this picture it actually looks like it all matches. It doesn’t. Behold Exhibit B:
Frankly (you know I’m upset when I start sentences with adverbs), you’re getting cocky. I think all this Isaac Mizrahi, Thomas O’Brien, and now Jessie Randall is going to your head. I hate to be the one to break it to you, Target, but you’re not so hot. Sure, I can walk into my neighborhood bullseye and pick up a nifty wool coat for the season. But I can also pick up a tube of Preparation H. (So I hear.) In my mind, any store where I can simultaneously buy something “fabuless” and something to “soothe the itch” shouldn’t press their luck with wrapping paper subterfuge.
I can’t quit you just yet, so consider this a warning. Lose the ugly paper, keep the good ones in stock, and package it all so I can wrap more than two A5-sized presents at a time. I don’t think I’m asking much. Remember, K-Mart has Martha. And a pharmacy section.
Regards,
Jules
Jules – I could’nt agree more. I have been in that boat one too many times.
One word – Hallmark! I consistently get equal amounts for multiple presents PLUS – (and this is a bonus for someone like me who has difficulty with cutting straight lines)a grid on the cutting side that helps to guide the scissors.
What we need to do (don’t you love hearing that come out of my mouth)is start a trend of handing people unwrapped gifts and commit to our “inner environmentalist”. Probably too avant garde though I do think Chuck would appreciate it.
hee, hee, hee
XOXO – K
“May those who love us, love us; and those who don’t love us, may God turn their hearts; and if He doesn’t turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles so we’ll know them by their limping.�
Too, too funny! Those presents don’t look bad though – you made the most of a bad situation :)
Thank you for that post, I am still snickering away here
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! Sorry, but that’s pretty hilarious! :-) I think they look lovely, even if that IS poor lighting. I recently went on a gift wrap spree at The Container Store (a new one opened near me) and I can’t wait to wrap something. Now you got me thinking, how many presents will it wrap???
Hallmark! I never thought of that because the prices seem expensive, but now that I think of it, how great a deal am I getting at Target if I can only wrap two presents? My SIL gets her wrapping paper through the elementary school fund-raisers. Super expensive, but lots of paper and thick and cute. The paper she used on my present last week was pretty enough to frame.
Bri–glad I could give you a chuckle on a Friday morning. I told my husband the story last night, but he wasn’t laughing as much because he tried wrapping my present with that cheap Target paper and ran out because it kept tearing! :-o
Mel–consider yourself warned! If you’re like me and like everything to have a color scheme check to see how much it covers…or buy them out of your favorite patterns!
oh yes the innisbrook papers (through fundraisers) are very generous width, length, AND depth! They actually have some very cute reversible prints too. They really aren’t all that badly priced either and if you have a child doing the fundraising… even better b/c the school gets 50%
Jules-
You are hilarious…have you ever thought of writing for a living?? LOL I can so appreciate this topic but…did you get a kiss on the way out the door??? kervpr
See Jules, I have the same problem with wrapping paper from Target! Most of the time, they never have enough variety to select from and then there is the guesstimate game of trying to figure out if the roll of paper is enough. But, what is worst is that I became a hoarder of wrapping paper as a result of not knowing when enough is enough!
Well, now if you can wait until later this year, I’ll have some sweet eye candy for you to feast your eyes on and wrap with next Christmas! ;-) Hee Hee Hee (Hint, hint!)
By the way, beautiful job on the MacGyvering save on the wrapping job! I’m always sucker for a beautifully wrapped gift…
Thanks, Cathe. :-) You’re a woman after my coordinating heart!! I saw the canvases on your blog. Delicious! I can’t wait for wrapping paper!!