I spied what I thought was a journal while rummaging through a box of my college papers in my parents’ storage unit. Not a journal!
No, it is what appears to be an Erudite’s Catalog of Acquaintances. A Lady’s Record of Companions. A Catalog of Lovers.
A Book of Booty Calls, basically. (I suppose it could just be regular ol’ boyfriends, too.)
I don’t remember buying this.
I swear.
Really, I am at the top of the list of people in the world least likely to need…an Amorous Encounter Record Keeper, but I can think of one or two people who might have benefited from the “Him” book.
I went to college with a girl named after an herb. To protect her privacy, let’s call her Ragweed. Too harsh? Okay, Poison Ivy. Poison Ivy had a friend who’s name I can’t recall because it wasn’t quite as memorable. Let’s call her Crab Grass. Crabs for short!
Poison Ivy and Crabs decided during our sophomore year to come up with a little contest. The contest was simple: whoever slept with 50 guys first, won. Won what, I have no idea, but I imagine a free trip to the campus clinic was part of the deal. Anyway, Poison Ivy decided my boyfriend of eighteen months, The Gardener, should be number 20-something. He was all over that idea. Ahem.
So we broke up, and The Gardener went skipping through the fields of Poison Ivy.
Secretly, Poison Ivy really liked The Gardener and was willing to call off the competition. But, too bad-so sad, he immediately discovered Poison Ivy isn’t all that fun to mess around in. The joke was on her.
The Gardener’s friends decided loyalty was for suckers and started asking me out, which he didn’t really appreciate. The joke was on him.
But I thought he was the bee’s knees and having already invested almost two years into the relationship, I took him back. The joke was so on me.
College girls reading this: don’t do that.
Three years later, we split up for good. God cried tears of joy as did my mother and most of my friends.
The Mister would like me to mention that I am no longer quite so docile, and that he gets yelled at for not taking out the trash. He trembles to think what would happen to him if he actually “took out” the trash. As well you should, The Mister. As well you should.
Back to the book. I have to say, when I realized what it was, I didn’t want to open it. Did I fill this thing out? Did I take pains to document every glance, every wave, every flirtatious moment? Good grief! What tawdry secrets would I find scrawled among the pages of my youth?
I ran it over to The Mister who, after he stopped laughing, gasped, “No way did you fill that thing out.”
I was shy, timid, and introverted. (I still am.) I wouldn’t have anything to write down. (I still wouldn’t.) More importantly, I had the beginnings of an attorney’s mind. You never put anything in writing you wouldn’t want your mother to read behind your back.
Which is why the book is empty and my lips are sealed.
I forgot to put this treasure in the garage sale. Would you like it? Let me know in the comments and I will mail it to you. Surely there is someone who can appreciate this thing of beauty. If more than one of you are in need of this book, I will take a page from Poison Ivy’s book and pick one person randomly. The “giveaway” (if you can call it that) will go until Friday. I’ll pick a name over the weekend and one out of four of you will squeal with joy!
In the meantime, be honest. Am I the only one who looks back on ex-boyfriends and says…really?
This is amazing! I luckily am not in need of such a book, but I’m really, really happy it exists.
Wow, what a concept! I don’t want this book, thanks. Actually, I’m now on my second (although I like to say last) husband, this could become quite a best seller for the serial wives…
Um no, no you are not. I feel besmirched just thinking of some of the guys I dated … and took back no less. Sigh. Just be glad you found someone … because it only gets worse. The last guy I went out with (blind date, mind you) told me the thing that makes me MOST attractive is my proficient vocabularly. Proficient. Vocabulary. Needless to say, I do not need the book … but thank you so for the offer! :)
Oh, I am SO glad no one ever gave me this book. I would have filled it out, obsessively, and I would be so embarassed to go back and read it, now.
I do, sometimes, wonder wtf I was thinking about some of my boyfriends. Most of them, really, but I figure if I didn’t have those learning experiences, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I realize how PollyAnna-ish that seems!
I simply must have this book. I think it is the most charming, fabulous, old-fasioned thing I have ever seen. I loved it when I saw the cover, but wait… the inside?!? The questions and drawings are just too much! There’s just something about writing down those initial impressions — and going back to see how foolish they were.
I would really like to have it for my daughter. Does it matter that she is only three and will not be dating until she’s sixteen? I’m in no mood to rush things, but what a funny thing to give her on her sixteenth birthday…
Aaah, dating. Good times. NOT.
chuckling in the dark at 5:45 in the morning. Can always count on you for a good laugh my friend. Thanks for helping me start my day off right. And no, I don’t think I need that book, but thanks anyhow.
Oh, you’re so not the only one. My end of h.s. boyfriend and I stayed together, then apart, then together, and add a few more of those through most of college. What REGRET I have for that. The fun I could have had! Not so much along the lines of Poison Ivy, but I just felt, after the fact, like I missed out on so much. Now, like you, I want to tell evey girl I know who’s entering college with a boyfriend trying to ‘make it work’ to GIVE IT UP. They’ll be so glad they did.
I also stumbled upon a box full of journals at my mom’s house last time I was home. Let’s just say they are *thisclose* to being burned to ashes. Was all I cared about from the ages of 9 to 19 boys? Really?!
Oh no…. I look back and just shake my head…. WHAT WAS I THINKING!
I Love It! Never seen one before but DEFINITELY would LOVE to have.
you are so not alone. sadly, i bet most girls have a “really?” story … that’s the story they compare all others to in the search for mr. “really!” mine was the Leach. he never left. he would “drop by” and just “happen to have a hot, fresh pizza” for my dad. he was sad for me that i had to work on july 4th, so he broke into my car and filled it with fireworks. my parents and i would go to bed, telling him to please go, and he would say things like, “i’ll just finish this show and make sure all is well while you sleep, then i’ll go when i know it’s safe.” who DOES that??
Oh my gracious. I can’t believe such a thing exists. Mine would have been filled with fantasy stories of how I met each member of ‘NSync and the BSB.
Where was this book before I took on my Summer of Fun 2010? I decide after breaking up with my boyfriend that I would join Match.com for the summer and then go out with any guy that asked me out. Um, probably not the best idea I’ve ever had. But, boy do I have some good stories! This book would have come in handy for all those guys so that my friends and I could keep them straight. There would have been Exclamation Mark, Bore Me to Death Art, and so many more. Oh and don’t forget the guy that smelled of pee. He kissed me in the movie theatre after knowing me for about 45 minutes. I had to ditch him and run through the rain barefoot to get back to my car. This book would have been perfect for recording all those schmos!
Lol… I have nothing to write in that book. I’m surprisingly not bitter about this–kind of proud, actually? Haha
OMGosh I love this.. I’m not sure what girl doesn’t look back at ex-boyfriends and say “really, what was I thinking”?.
That book is too funny, I think I may have had one like that at some point but I think I threw it in the burn pile. My sister needs one of those, she 20 and it’s boys boys boys… she bloomed alittle later than most girls. I was all about boys when I was 14. ha ha Great post you always know how to make me laugh!!!
I only have one boyfriend (besides my now husband) that I don’t look back at and laugh about. The one I don’t regret is the British Exchange Student. We had our fun and then he went back home. Good times.
I would love to have that book for myself but honestly it would remain blank for all of my existance. I had (and still have) tons of crushes but never had a boyfriend. If I could look back at all those crushes I would probably say “I am so thankful that none of those toads were my boyfriends” even though it hurt at the time.
If you still have a page or two to give to some one…send it my way. Please??? it would look great in a time capsule.
oh yes! i totally look back and thank god my life turned out like it has.
Oh goodness. Haven’t commented in a while (too busy lurking!) but I LOVE that you once purchased a book like this. If both to appeal to your organizational side, and perhaps as an homage to “if you build it they will come.” While I have a number or two saved in my phone as “Mark, red shirt, girlfriend?” this is what a book like that would look like in my possession:
His name is: James. I’m almost positive. Last name rhymes with…art?
His nickname is: drummer boy after one drink, tiger after two, and “hey there” after three.
I met him at: the top of the stairs.
He seems to be: a man child, good at growing facial hair, a mediocre drummer, a really good kisser, fond of innuendo, constantly on tour.
He lives at: every best western from here to the west coast.
This scared me, I thought maybe you were going to reveal sassy past. A blank book, perfect! “took out the trash” was the best line in this post, hah!
I want that book. Not because I necessarily need it, but I adore the pictures, and the fact that it refers to one’s conquests as “acquaintances.”
And yes. I do look back and wonder what I was thinking. But apparently, at the time, something was there.
Ok, maybe you referred to them as “acquaintances.” The book refers to them as “boys.” Sounds so innocent. Anyway, I would love to own it.
This is a GREAT post! I think I know a Miss Poison Ivy and a Miss Crabs. And no, they are not me. And yes, I too think back to old boyfriends and think, really… What was I thinking? And when I finally broke up with 2 of them (you know the drill: break up, back together, break up, back together, break up for good), my mother probably cried tears of joy as did all the Saints in Heaven that she prayed to. She probably did the same thing when I found my Mister but for very different reasons. This one was a keeper!
Oh I loved this creative post. And I had a fair share of my own { ahem } acquaintances. I certainly have to follow your blog now since your writing is superb. thanks for the laugh!
I’m embarrassed to admit that I made such a list once in the back of my address book. I think my friend had told me about the “year of yes” and I wanted to see how many guys I had kissed or gone on a date or had a crush on (I was in college, wondering if I’d ever meet someone special) and one of my pre-teen cousins found the list and left me a note: “ewww”
Oh my goodness, I would love to have this book! As a current college girl, I can certainly relate to seeing Ms. Poison Ivy and Ms. Crabs on campus, again and again and again (not to point fingers at a specific sorority or three, but… ahem) The book is so cute and quaint — I think it would be fun to backtrack through my jr high and high school crushes, too, before all of the memories are completely gone.
However, if I were to be this book’s keeper, I would indeed share it with my mother. Hopefully, she’d then stop calling Ivan “Evan”, and not follow my every move on Facebook!
(I don’t think I’ve ever commented, but I hopped over to your blog from Young House Love last spring, and have been coming back ever since!)
I would love to have this book! After I tell my husband to “simmer down” because I have no intention of going back out in the field, I would love to send it to a single friend. She is always finding the most unique and clever gifts and I would like to finally rise to the occasion. Since I met my husband online, I have encouraged her to do online dating. When you do online dating, you go on LOTS of dates. It would be the perfect gift to help her keep a record of those memories- good and bad. Mostly bad probably.
Yeah, I don’t want that book. But you are, as always, hilarious in the way you say things. My grandma taught me that lawyerly thing…about not writing anything you don’t want…only her saying said “on the front page of the paper”. :) Too bad I didn’t always take that to heart (I can’t say how many times I was grounded due to something my parents read that wasn’t supposed to be for their eyes).
One of my favorite songs (because I’m a sappy nerd like that) as a what my life is about song…is Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks. I know they’re not really “unanswered” (but “no”) but goodness I’m glad God knew better than me…really? That guy???
Not sure if you’ve closed this giveaway or not, but I would love, love, love this book. What a silly, FUN idea! I love fishing things like this out of closets. Thank you for sharing all your hilarious stories!
My friends and I could have had a ball with this book in college! We weren’t rolling in the ‘Poison Ivy’ league, but we did have a nickname for just about every boy on campus, whether crush, date, or more. One of my friends actually went on to blog about her dating escapades for years to come (though she keeps it private, as one of those dates could turn out to be her future husband). Yes, we all wonder what we were thinking at the time, but I refuse to ever have regrets! The past is what makes us who we are today. :)
I cringe when I think back to my former boy/man/what was I thinking days. You know, last week…
Kurt Kidder in Kindergarten. The terrible twins, Jeff and Greg, in middle school. My man of the week (who was I kidding?!?!) in high school. Dylan, the one I thought was the one for 2 years in college. The hottie on Halloween who was dressed up like GI Joe, but on an actual date was GI Don’t. The man who was the one, for 8 years, and gave me the true love of my life, my son. And now, as a thirty-something, starting the whole dating process again, wishing and hoping that the next date turns into the lifetime of kisses and snuggles and grilled cheese sammies at 3am.
I would love this book, as a chronicle of the rigors of modern day dating, from the perspective of a woman who has learned to laugh it off and chalk it up to the journey.
I would love the book – have a dear friend going thru a painful divorce – think it would be funny if all of us girlfriends filled out our histories for her and then she can add her own new memories (re-entering the dating world over age 40)
That is the most hilarious book on the planet! :D I almost died reading that poem on the cover. And I only made it halfway through your blog before I had to open another tab & do a quick search on Google and Amazon trying to find something similar. No luck, so sad. :( Then I finished the blog & you’re giving it away??!! Oh, please, please, – I’d love to have it for my sister. And her birthday was Tuesday (the 14th – the day of this post!) and it’s just too perfect.
She’s been divorced for over 3 years now & you never met anyone more desperate to get married. I swear! She has accounts on eharmony, christian singles, match.com, plentyoffish – you name it, she’s on it. She has a new boyfriend, whom she is head over heels in love with, every 3 weeks! I was originally thinking about buying her an “I recycle boys” t-shirt for her birthday but this book would be so much better! Then she could keep track of them all!! :D
O [to the] M [to the] G!! i gotta have this book!! It is totally NOT for me though. I am quit the shy gal myself, but my bff however..she is just like your like miss posion ivy and CRABS lol. She has a classy way of always telling me what in fact (in detail) happened on her weekend excurisions. She will be turning the big 30 in a few weeks…this would be the ultimate gift! Love the BLOG btw <3 <3