It’s on like Donkey Kong.
It’s on like Donkey Kong.
It’s on like Donkey Kong.
Screw you, too.
Take today as a prime example. Last week I dutifully entered your red den of commercialism looking for wrapping paper. This wrapping paper had to wrap presents for my brother-in-law’s 40th birthday and my own brother’s wedding. I didn’t like much of what I saw (we’ll talk about your selection later), but decided on a metallic ring pattern against a white background. I also found some brown ribbon that complemented nicely the copper in the paper. I gave you my money and went home to wrap brother-in-law’s one present. I used ribbon from my own collection for the birthday present, choosing to save your brown ribbon for my brother’s three wedding presents.
Well, low and behold today I sit down to wrap my brother’s three measly, little presents and guess who runs out of paper after wrapping only one present? Now, I’m not a mathematician, but if I wrapped brother-in-law’s present last week, and one of my brother’s presents this week that means the wrapping paper lasted for all of two presents. What the Hell is that?! I was in some sort of denial at first, quickly unwrapping the first present to see if there was a more efficient way to wrap all three presents without having to go out and buy more paper. But, alas, no amount of inventive geometry could hide the fact that I had to go buy more wrapping paper because you are a cheap bastard. And so I did.
And you know what?
By God, if I take the time, with a migraine, to pack up my two sniffling boys and head over to buy more wrapping paper you could at least have the decency to have said wrapping paper in stock! OK, fine. Popular paper is frequently out of stock. Sure, it happens. But how do you explain the 17 rolls of ugly you have in its place? Pink and purple hearts with swirls?! Really? That’s the best you can do? Unacceptable, Target. Unacceptable.
Having no choice but to find something that worked, I settled on a roll of ecru paper. Ecru, which we all know is code for “cream with way too much yellow in it.” Ecru, which is nowhere to be found in my original wrapping paper selection. Ecru, Target. Ecru.
My hands were tied. I had to start combining papers, like some color-blind MacGyver, in hopes of having something presentable to give to my brother and his new wife. You might be wondering, Target, why I didn’t just use the new roll to wrap all three presents. I would have, but your paper is so extraordinarily cheap and thin it kept tearing on the corners of my packages (the ones apparently made of razor blades) leaving me with just enough paper to wrap everything. Thanks, Target. You manged to be both cheap and ugly. Way to go. Behold Exhibit A:
“Well,” I thought, “at least I have the brown ribbon!”
Well played, Target. Well played.
Why did I think a three inch spool would contain more than a yard of ribbon? You think I would have learned from the wrapping paper debacle, but no. I remain an optimist to the end. I have to hand it to you, at least you’re consistent. One roll = two presents. One spool = two presents. Beautiful math, but you still suck.
So there I was, searching the house for a way to multiple ribbon like loaves and fishes except, you know, I’m not Jesus so I can’t perform miracles. Twenty minutes later, I decided what the brown, silver, copper, white, and ecru presents needed was a little gold tulle. I mean, how obvious! Doesn’t that sound lovely? I didn’t think so. At least the lighting today was poor enough that in this picture it actually looks like it all matches. It doesn’t. Behold Exhibit B:
Frankly (you know I’m upset when I start sentences with adverbs), you’re getting cocky. I think all this Isaac Mizrahi, Thomas O’Brien, and now Jessie Randall is going to your head. I hate to be the one to break it to you, Target, but you’re not so hot. Sure, I can walk into my neighborhood bullseye and pick up a nifty wool coat for the season. But I can also pick up a tube of Preparation H. (So I hear.) In my mind, any store where I can simultaneously buy something “fabuless” and something to “soothe the itch” shouldn’t press their luck with wrapping paper subterfuge.
I can’t quit you just yet, so consider this a warning. Lose the ugly paper, keep the good ones in stock, and package it all so I can wrap more than two A5-sized presents at a time. I don’t think I’m asking much. Remember, K-Mart has Martha. And a pharmacy section.
I’ve had a headache since last Wednesday, and it’s all my fault. I haven’t had a consistent run of headaches like this since I was pregnant. The brief respite was wonderful and due to eating a predominately raw diet (lots of fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, salads, etc.). I discovered my body functions best on whole, unprocessed foods, and really the results were miraculous. On top of living headache free, my stomach pains and heartburn disappeared and I lost 12 pounds in a matter of 3 weeks. Amazing!
So why did I stop? Several reasons. The primary reason is financial. Why does 1lb of raw macadamia nuts cost $12? That’s a rhetorical question. I know why it costs so much, but it doesn’t stop the sting of injustice when that 1lb of nuts lasts me a couple of days. Meanwhile, over on aisle 10 I can take my $12 and buy 7 packs of 5 Shrek-shaped Macaroni & Cheese. That’s 35 boxes, people. 35! I could eat Macaroni & Cheese exclusively in December and still have enough to carry me into the middle of January. Eating healthy is expensive, and this year we had several thousand dollars worth of medical expenses that forced me to modify our food budget. Yes, I’m bitter.
The second reason is that I am a variety kind of gal, and while I love salads, they wear thin after a couple of months. There are loads and loads of delicious raw recipes out there, and that would certainly remove the monotony of the diet, but I just can’t seem to find the time to make anything. Now I’m just whining.
The last excuse reason I’m not currently following my diet is the weather. Salads, fruits, smoothies, and the like are a blessed relief in the summer. Now that it’s cold, though, I find myself craving something warm and cozy.
I can’t help but look over my list and think these are some pretty lame excuses for not following a diet that makes me feel so healthy. The money one is pretty valid, but I can just skip the nuts for the time being. Headaches? Heartburn? Lethargy? Stomachaches? I don’t get it. What am I doing?
Surely I’m not the only one who defies logic by eating or doing things they shouldn’t?
The Mickeys were a gift from Mikey. (In case you were wondering about the Mickey Love picture above) Yesterday I spent the afternoon on the couch in agony. I pretty much let Mikey run amok and put Nico in his jumper so he was at least contained and safe from any choking hazards Mikey may have left on the ground. I must have looked pretty bad, because Mikey came up to me with his beloved Mickey crew and said, “Here, Mama. This will make you feel better.” He was right, it did.
You are hereby given notice that the undersigned is terminating your tenancy of the premises located at front hairline, where you are a tenant from month to month under the lease dated January 01, 1992 between Jules as unwilling landlord and Nasty-Ass-Gray-Hair as tenant. This termination is to be effective on December 14, 2007. You must continue to make landlord suffer mercilessly until this date.
You are required to vacate and surrender possession of the premises to the undersigned on or before the above date, free of all occupants and personal possessions, e.g., grotesque two inch baby hairs and maroon spots of faded color. Upon termination, the security deposit in the amount of $100.00, or any remaining balance, will be used to repair any damage to the premises and ego and otherwise applied according to law.
If you fail to vacate the premises by the above date, the undersigned may commence eviction proceedings against you and/or exercise other available rights and remedies under the law. Landlord is willing and able to use any and all coloring techniques to ensure your timely demise.
Thank you for your anticipated cooperation, bitch.
Very truly yours,