He Likes Them Apples

Something tells me that I wouldn’t be shaped like an eggplant if I went through this much trouble to eat apples.

p.s. This was his third apple in less than an hour.  He was mad at me because I refused to give it to him another one, so he went to the bathroom, dragged out the stool, and got it himself.

Coke Bloat: Not Just For Lindsey Lohan

Last Friday we went out to dinner with friends.  In honor of the occasion, I spent 20 minutes getting ready and all but flew into a red cotton dress that feels like I am wearing pajamas.  The dress accommodated my watercraft-sized breasts nicely but, more importantly, was two sizes too big.  As nervous as I was of having a wardrobe malfunction and exposing my kapows to Pepe, the restaurant owner, I was more thrilled I could pull off an empire waist without looking 6 months pregnant.  As luck would have it, my bodice clung firmly in place and my stomach appeared relatively flat.  That was Friday.

On Sunday, emboldened by Friday’s success, I put the dress on again.  It didn’t look the same.  In fact, I looked “end of first trimester.”  I chalked it up to bad angles, stretched out cotton, and the heat.  I decided to take off the dress and put on jeans instead.

On Monday I put the dress on again, this time for an appointment with my nutritionist.  Only this time, I didn’t look “end of first trimester.”  I looked “on my way to Lamaze, somebody hand me a pickle.”  I stood there in disbelief, staring at the tight, round belly jutting past my breasts.  Now, mind you, my breasts do more than their share of jutting, so for my stomach to actually gain the lead is akin to two Quarter Horses vying for victory in the last 10 meters.  It was a tight finish, but the spoils of victory went to the basketball in my torso.

I ripped the dress off and kicked it across the room.  Then I put on jeans and a parachute and went to my appointment.  Sitting across my nutritionist a scant hour later, I presented my case.  Actually, I presented my belly.  I stood up, pulled my parachute taught across my mound of flesh and exclaimed, “Now, what, pray tell, have you to say about this?!”

She looked me over calmly and said, “Is it possible you might be pregnant?”

I gnashed my teeth and considered violence.  “No, but thank you for confirming my worst suspicions!”

“Are you sure you can’t be pregnant?”

It took some doing, but I convinced her I was not about to whelp children, puppies, or kittens.  Having ruled pregnancy out, she concluded I suffered from “veggie bloat.”  Veggie what?  I was dumbfounded.  She was amused.  She asked me if I had any of the typical bloat producing vegetables, cabbage and broccoli being two of them.  I looked back on my 4th of July weekend and acknowledged that I had hot dogs and sauerkraut in every possible variation.  As a side dish, always broccoli or salad.

My nutritionist considered the case closed, but I wasn’t convinced of her diagnosis.  How can I put this delicately?  It’s not like I spent the weekend whistling Dixie. I think I would notice my stomach filling with 10 pounds of pressure, right?  Suddenly I thought of the old, tin pressure cooker my mom used to cook tough meat when I was a child.  My eyes grew wide remembering the burst of steam escaping from the valve.  I didn’t want to know, but I had to ask.

“How does the bloat disappear?” I asked, my voice cracking at the end.  If I went off like a pressure cooker, The Mister would never, ever let me live it down.  I imagined him 50 years from now, still chuckling from the grave.

“Oh, there’s nothing to it.  Just don’t eat any bloat producing vegetables and within 24 hours everything will break down on its own.”

She was right.  My stomach disappeared as quietly (thank God!) as it arrived.  I can resume wearing a dress that feels like pajamas.  Everything is right in the world once again.

And now, as a PSA for those who toy with the idea of wearing empire waist dresses, a list of fruits and vegetables that have the potential to make you look like a former child star on a bender.  You can thank me for your flat stomach with books, iTune cards, and items featuring elephants.

• Legumes (kidney, pinto, lima benas)
• Broccoli
• Brussel Sprouts
• Cabbage
• Cantaloupe
• Cauliflower
• Corn
• Cucumbers
• Garlic
• Honeydew Melon
• Lentils
• Onions
• Peppers (green, red)
• Radishes
• Turnips
• Raw Apples
• Watermelon
• Iceberg Lettuce

Fat Free Vegan

Golden Spice Pancakes from Fat Free Vegan

I’m not, but SHE is.  I’ve always loved her site.  It’s clean, gorgeous, and the pictures of her recipes are fantastic. If you haven’t tried her recipes or visited her site, I recommend you check both out.  Susan makes sure to detail the nutritional value of all her recipes, but lately she has also been including the Weight Watchers Point Value!  Yahoo!  I now have a new source for fantastic, healthy, and Weight Watcher friendly recipes, and you do, too.

Diet Talk | Reader Recipe: Sort-Of Apple Pie

I have been super excited to try Julie’s recipe for Sort-Of Apple Pie since she emailed it to me a couple of weeks ago. I finally organized my scattered brain enough to get most of the (3!) ingredients. The Mister is at the store right now getting the cottage cheese. What I like most about this recipe is the lean protein-fruit combo. I’m looking forward to a sweet treat that is actually filling! And while I am normally not a fan of plain cottage cheese, I am willing to give this one a try because I do like it occasionally with fruit. I calculated the recipe for point value, and it’s between 3-4 points, depending on whether you use a medium or large apple.

Oh, and another reason why I am trying this recipe? Julie’s kids love it. If that isn’t a indication of how tasty this sweet treat is, well then I don’t know what is.

Julie’s Sort-Of Apple Pie

1 Apple
1/2 cup Cottage Cheese [I use low fat for 2 points--ed.]
cinnamon and sweetener, to taste

• Peel, core & chop one apple
• In a small microwave-safe bowl, mix the apple with one packet of sweetener and a sprinkle of cinnamon (more cinnamon if you like it). [I am not a fan of artificial sweeteners, so I am going to try the recipe several times using various natural sweeteners, like Stevia. --ed.]
• Microwave for about 1-1 1/2 mins until the apples are cooked (not mushy though). Remove from microwave (this sucker is gonna be HOT – use oven mitts) and immediately stir in 1/2 cup of cottage cheese. Yup – cottage cheese.
• Mix it all together & eat – it tastes like apple pie. Seriously. If you can’t stomach the cottage cheese, try FF vanilla yogurt. You get a fruit & protein & dessert all in one.

Enjoy!
Julie

Please email me at jules [at] pancakesandfrenchfries [dot] com if you have a great diet/exercise tip, recipe, or product you want to share! If someone hasn’t already suggested it, I will post it on the blog, give you the credit, and link back to your site or blog.

Things I Hope to Never Forget | The First Cheeseburger

The relevance of this moment lies not in the burger, but that he is old enough to eat by himself.  We always order him grilled cheese sandwiches because they stay together even after you cut them into little bite-size pieces.  The diner made a mistake in our order, so when I gave him his half of the cheeseburger I expected him to make a mess or choke on bites too large for his small mouth.

Instead, he held the ‘burger with confidence and peeked over the bun with pride as he took normal, thoughtful bites.  The Mister and I smiled and shared a high-five at the prospect of sitting down to lunch without having to cut food into tiny, little pieces…

Until we realized what we were leaving behind in all those tiny, little pieces.